I really had no idea. This is a trigger I would not have predicted.
Last time I went to the aquarium was on a field trip. One of those days when my co-workers could sense my unease before I did. Babies and families everywhere! Lots of school children too but shoot.
Yesterday I was invited to go to the aquarium with a bunch of my favorite people, Leigh, Jodie, Melissa, and their daughters. First of all, Sammy would have loved being the lone boy in that bunch. Second, I couldn't get over that fact that I *could* have had a stroller to push around (or baby to wear) in an alternate path if this had been a choose your own adventure life. Maybe one day I'll be one of those "spiritually mature" people who can say I would not change a thing but yesterday...today...not that day.
The aquarium is my kryptonite. I miss my baby.
I guess I'm spiritually immature then. There's no way I'll ever be able to say about my own life, "I would not change a thing..." and if that makes me immature, then so be it. Bring on the judgement. Why WOULDN'T you want to change the past 14 months of your life, Melissa? To say you wouldn't change a thing means you are content with the horrendous things you've been going through. I for one, don't think any of it is OK or that your experiences are anything to be content about. And it's more than OK to be angry, feel hurt and empty. In fact, IT IS HEALTHY to feel and acknowledge reality and the feelings that come with it. You won't stay in this place forever. Really. Trust me. You won't. Eventually the pain will lessen, though the wrongs you'll never be happy about, nor should you be. It's OK for now. You're OK. Take care of YOU. And for what it's worth: I love you and pray for you constantly.
ReplyDeleteAmen to your mama... I mean... all of this stuff is a part of living in a broken world. We aren't supposed to deal with stuff like this. So of course you'd want to change it. I would change it for you if I could.
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ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your pain, such a precious baby. Your writing expresses your feelings like a word-picture. I feel like I am in the midst of your experience with you. Someone once told me prayer is like our heart pressing in close to God's heart. Easy for me to say, but I encourage you to keep pressing in close.
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