Tuesday, October 6, 2015

the night before your 5th birthday


I miss you. This year was no different than the previous 5 years. My body knows how much I miss you before my mind catches on. 

This year it started with all the friends 2010 babies starting kindergarten. You have a "bad birthday" so you would have been only starting pre-k this year...but I continually lose my breath to see another 2010 baby headed to kindergarten. 

Nana bought Jake a picture book that explains about your part in our life. Jake found it a couple months ago and seeing as we have a few pregnant women in our life he has been fascinated with reading it. 

Our bedroom

We had a slight miscommunication at Mother's Day and Daddy got my 3 babies framed (top right)...which also took my breath away. What I wanted framed was that picture on the bottom left. Samuel, in found object photography, with my life verse printed over your nickname. You have a presence in most of the rooms of the house now.

Sister's room:
I'm sure that red-headed boy is supposed to be Superman but...I see S for Sammy 

Kitchen wind sill above the sink:
I mean, it's been 5 years, there will be some casualties (broken gator tail)
The weather changed last week. I will forever remember the first time I needed a sweater in late September of 2010 outside Suko Thai. It was *only* 80 degrees and there was a *chill* in the air. So every fall when the weather finally changes I think of 2010. I start to think about your birthday. 

First I lose my appetite. Then I just want to sleep. It took a few days for me to get some time alone  this year but within 3 minutes of quiet I realized I was sad.

I have so many questions. Each new stage in Jake and Bellamy's life brings a few more.

I often wonder if you know how much you changed me. The last 5 years have been full. FULL. I wonder if you know that without you it all would have been different.

I miss you. So much.


Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:35, 37-39

If you want it, come and get it, for crying out loud
This love that He has, given to you, is never in doubt
**David Gray-ish *wink* 

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

It's been a while...things have happened.

In March we added a girl to our family! Jake has a wicked picturey smile but this is was the first duo shot I found. Baby girl has Sammy's red hair! I was predicting it with how sassy she seemed in utero...and sure enough, we have our ginger. She's opposite of Jake in many ways, starting from day 1 in the hospital. Those two have nothing but love for one another, it's very fun to watch.

I am transitioning jobs! I sadly said good bye to my pre-k position in a public school and will be teaching a 3-4yo class at a Mother's Day Out program. My kiddos will be with me, the hours will be shorter, and hopefully life will be a bit simpler. We shall see! My favorite part of the transition has been a real summer break. I mean, I know as a teacher I was lucky enough to *get* a summer break, but it has been shorter than what I was used to since we moved down to New Orleans. And since baby girl was born in March it was even more extended. It has been wonderful, I've had 5 months at home with these two.

Another thing this break has afforded me is time to read. The weekend Bellamy was born something happened in Baltimore. I kept seeing references to riots and Freddie Gray. So I started reading. I wasn't one to watch the news in general but it quickly became clear that the news I was reading wasn't carried on network stations anyway. I'm finally making time to sit down and organize my thoughts about the happenings that don't make the news.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

when he was almost 2

We went to visit our new family member in Colorado a few weeks ago and someone left their camera within reach of this guy. He's almost caught up with my photography skills. **no cameras were harmed in the capture of this photo**

It's amazing to me that even though I try to soak up every moment of my life with this boy, the moments are happening so fast and some even seem to be escaping me. We have a collection of random videos on our little camera thingy that I am so glad for. They already help me remember the ages and stages that have passed in these short 2 years.

My sister in law asked me what my favorite stage is so far and I said all of them. I love being a mama to this boy and I love watching him learn and grow. I must admit, toddler hood is not so fun...but he has been much healthier in year 2...so sickness? attitude? I guess it all evens out.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

baby bailey

I heard this week about another sweet baby that is gone too soon.

My heart breaks for the family and I wanted a buffer post between life as it appears here now and my sweet Sammy's story. I eventually appreciated the hope of a full life after such an enormous loss, but initially I wanted to read other's sorrow and find solace in that familiarity.

Our journey with Sammy began in January of 2010. I started this blog sometime that summer. Time is full right now so while this blog seems neglected, know that I am constantly reminded of my baby and his impact on my life. He is always near in my mind.

On the left if you click on the word Sammy it will take you to the beginning of the blog.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

november ramblings

I think the pressure released on November 1st. We had a wonderful first weekend of November. 

We went to find a park so I could snap some pictures of Jakers on the run. Don't have time to learn my fancy photo editing software...one day...but this picture captures the awkward toddlery gait almost perfectly. What a precious pumpkin. 

Y'all, I love being a mama. It has challenges and I'm by no means "the perfect mother" but I love love love so much about it. My outside-the-home job makes so much more sense too. For years I got to play mama every day before it became an official title for me. I can see how being a mama makes me a better teacher and being a teacher makes me a better mama. I am thankful for the interwoven nature of these facets of my life. 

It's November 12th and I wish that I had committed to one of those listings of things that I'm thankful for each day of the month. Maybe I will start now anyway.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

3 years ago


Well this year wasn't any easier for me than any other year. I don't know if it was any harder...but it certainly wasn't easier. A week and a half later I can't tell you much about what we did. hmm.

I had fall break over that weekend. Thursday hung out with my Jakers, Friday hung out with a couple great friends...Saturday & Sunday are a blur...and Monday I decided I had to make a cake. Jake wasn't feeling well so he hung out on the couch watching back to back PBS with his cup of juice. I've cut back on the baking since June and hadn't had butter in the house for months. I bought some for sugar cookies, which I had made in the weeks leading up to Sammy's birthday, and had enough left over for chocolate buttercream frosting. This cake made up for all the baking I hadn't been doing since June.

We tried to look at the pictures from his birth. But so much has come to light about what life really was as opposed to what I thought it was at that time...that I just look at the pictures and think about all the Ick that came out in 2011.

These last three years have been long. 2012 was a break compared to 2010-2011 and 2013 has had plenty of challenges. I'm just tired. And "celebrating" or not? the birth and death of my first child was once again more than I could fathom. I mean, I'm living it and it still seems unimaginable. I don't know how else to explain it.

I don't really think much about the what if's of having a 3 year old. I had a baby that didn't live. He will always be my baby. He wasn't my 3 year old. But he was my baby. And yet I can't help but occasionally miss him.

We went to Colorado last weekend to spend time with my family. Everyone was there for a quick weekend. Nana bought a bunch of pumpkins for us to carve in honor of Sammy and that was fun. We will all appreciate the fancy pumpkins that we see displayed knowing how challenging our raggedy looking pumpkins were. *smile* We went to visit my brother at his fire station and Dave snapped that picture. I love it. But all I can think is that someone is missing.

For the last 2 years I have started to plan something fun to do in honor of Sammy on his birthday. But when it comes down to it, I get too sad, too distracted trying to not look sad, and too absent minded to commit to anything. Some kind of pressure releases after October 7th and I can get back to my "normal" sad self.

Isabel was looking at pictures on my mom's phone and found the ones of Sammy. We started talking about how his birthday had just passed and she mentioned that he needed candles to celebrate.

Isabel: looking at a picture of Sammy lying in my lap "Did you drive there?"
Me: confused "uh, yes, we drove there."
Isabel: "Is there a door there?"
Me: still confused, realizing she thinks we can just go visit him...
My mom pops into the conversation as the tears stream down my face: "yes, there is a door, and Sammy is there and some day he'll get to walk around and show us all that he's learned."
Isabel: "No Nana, he can't walk, he's just a baby, babies don't walk."

Oh Sammy. You never lived outside my body but you are surely living inside our hearts and our minds. I really hope to hold it together some year and honor you on your day. But this was not that year.