8 years. Unfathomable. I didn't come here to miss you today. But I do. Amazing how those first cheeks, that first mouth, your chin! Are reflected in your siblings. Just Tuesday at the grocery store Jake made sure to point out that we have THREE redheads in our family, not just two *smile* the confusion on the strangers face...and his follow up "Sammy had red hair but he died" and Bellamy chimes in "yeah he's dead". I don't even care in those moments how uncomfortable the other person is, I'm just soaking up the memory and the love your siblings, who never even met you, hold for you. I see Haddie in those cheeks and chin today. We miss you, you are loved.
|1st professional photos were tough|
Monday night I forgot to leave an item with a customer and had to go back out to drop it off. Bellamy wanted to ride along so we got in the car and headed out. She was tired and chatty. She will make up stories for me or occasionally songs. She hit a lull in her lyrics so I told her I would find us some music. When I opened Spotify it alerted me that a new David Crowder album was available. 18 years into the journey listening I knew that was our choice for the night. I started on Let it Rain (because Mandisa) and knew it was gonna be another stunner. Tuesday morning I hit play again and when it got a couple tracks down I felt nearly knocked flat.
I'm Leaning on You
David Crowder ft Riley Clemmons
Jesus, take the beauty from the pain
Jesus, lift these weary hands again
Turn the silence into songs of praise
Jesus, I am leaning on Your name
I’m leaning on You
I’m leaning on You
When no one else can help me, Jesus can
Every other name is sinking sand
And even when my heart don’t understand
Jesus, I will trust You even then, oh
We're in a different kind of tough stage of life right now. I have lived different kinds of pain, and 8 years, 7 years, 6 years later I can see the beauty that grew from those pains. I *hate* so much, that the pain happened. That it existed. But there has been beauty because of it. Weary, silent, lack of understanding, I'm there. Now. But I've seen the beauty, I've sang the praise, I *can* trust even now.
It was the second intervention of the day by my blessed 3yo. I woke up cranky, way cranky. It wasn't anyone's fault, but I had no patience for life with children...children who take their dance leotard and ballet shoes out of their drawer so that when it's time for dance we (I, me, I am the one searching for dance gear while the 3yo wanders around) have to dig through the bedroom looking for it. ANYWAY, on the way to dance Bellamy tells me how she prayed for the monsters to go away all by herself "last night". Everything happened last night, it could have been months ago or literally last night, it's the phrase of things that happened before this moment. Oh - and the monsters are generally her bed time avoidance tactic, she's not scared of anything...until bed time.
Cool, I say, what a good idea. Mom. Maybe I could pray for Jesus to help you not be mad. 😏 That's another good idea, Bells, you should pray.
And she did. A short simple prayer ending with "the end" mumble jumbled to sound a little like amen/the end combined.
I don't know if it helped my mood or not. I didn't feel bad, chastised, or guilty about my mood even. I was grateful for the routine we're sharing of reaching to Jesus when the circumstance feels bigger than us. Monsters, cranky mommas, whatever. I hope neither of us forgets where to go, who to lean on, when life is hard.