Oh buddy. You are missed.
It always starts with the change in the weather (broken record much mama?). Last Friday, your due date, I was excited as I got in the car, the weather was cool! But as soon as I saw the temp was indeed cooler it hit. That first wave of grief...so deep that it can't be ignored, controlled, or reigned in. Cried my makeup off and had to stop and get some more before I got to school.
I've been talking about you, shared your pumpkin picture with my class even.
Thought of you last night, how we spent the night before you were born. And woke up at 4:30am and let myself have a few moments of "what if" and "remember when". It wasn't pretty. And it's quite unrealistic because your brother *most likely* wouldn't have existed had you lived...not to mention the wild card of our marriage in light of the revelations of late 2010/early 2011 that probably wouldn't have happened if I wasn't in that one online support group for babies with anencephaly. God has strange, amazing ways.
And there is all the wondering about what it will be like when I get to see you again. Who are you hanging out with? There is so much family and so much love in Heaven I know you are fine. But I miss you anyway.
I can't help but wonder if you'd be spicy like your sister or laid back like your brother.
I know 3 babies born exactly on your birthday in the last few years. Apparently this is a popular time of year to be born. Not sure what else to make of that.
6! You'd be in Kindergarten. Would you be into critters and football like Jake? Would you be adventurous and daring like Bellamy?
We did donuts and the zoo for your birthday. On the way in Jake asked if the people in front of us were going to get donuts for someone's birthday *wink* I did explain that not all people save donuts for special occasions and some people go just because they like donuts...but I like that it's connected to birthdays for us. At 4 years old, Jake has some questions and confusion about where you are and how he has an older brother that is still a baby. I do my best to explain.
You are missed. You are loved. You are on my mind often. You changed me in ways that I am so grateful for and I can't help but wish things were different.