Tuesday, September 18, 2012

finding Sammy


I shouldn't be surprised anymore. Sammy is so deeply imbedded in my entire being. Last week I was tired. More tired than the standard, I-have-an-infant-that-doesn't-sleep-through-the-night tired. Thursday to Saturday Dave couldn't do *anything* right. 

Memories and remembering are all about 2 years ago...those final weeks. 

Saturday I figured it out. Hey - I'm sad my baby died 2 years ago. That happened! And it is still sad! So instead of letting it subconsciously warp me, I decided to embrace and acknowledge it. This looks like tears and baking 16 mini loaves of bread. My usual coping mechanism would be shopping (case in point, last year's *need* for a dining room table) but I cannot afford that this year. So shopping for baking ingredients will have to do. 

There are obvious triggers...and more subtle ones. Obviously watching Isabel with Oakley makes me think of how Sammy would be interacting with Jake. More subtly, baking zucchini bread makes me think of this grief process. 

Grief over the years is like the zucchini in the bread. 

There it is! Grief Zucchini! Can't mistake that! 

Mmm, yeah, that's grief zucchini all mixed up with the rest of life ingredients.

2012 - until??
Here we are...lookin' like delicious chocolate sweet bread...what's that? 

Grief the hidden ingredient that still flavors the whole loaf. 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

4 months

Oh man, you've changed so much in the last month.

Sleep: I guess this hasn't changed too much. You will randomly sleep through the night (9pm-5am) but usually you're up at least once between 1-3am. *shrug* I figure if you get up and the paci doesn't appease you, must be because you're hungry. 

I have milk supply insecurity. I feel like I'm barely keeping up with you so when ever you're unconsolable I feed you. That makes me insecure too. *rolling eyes* What I learned about feeding you is that when it's just me and you (during Hurricane Isaac), we do juuuuust fine. It's this work and pumping business that makes life more difficult. Oops - this is supposed to be about you and your 4 months of life. 

Play: You grab at stuff. You've started reaching for my phone when I try to snap your picture. I bring toys places because you seem to like to grab at them and put them in your mouth. When I picked you up at daycare today (4 months 1.5 weeks) you were in a exersaucer punchin' at the toys on it cause your fingers couldn't quite get it done. 

Ms. Sharon says you love it when your baby friend Sara pulls up on the exersaucer and looks at you. You smile and stare back. You love people! Always have! We went to a Saturday work meeting last Saturday and you chilled the whole time, being passed from teacher to teacher. For a while you chatted back with the presenter, cooing and gooing at the back of the room. 

During the hurricane you found your pointer finger and in the last week you've found your thumb. It's pretty funny to watch you stick that thumb up into your paci. 

Growth: You wear size 2 diapers and most of your clothes now are 6 month size...some 9 month. !! You apparently had your first ear infection. At your 4 month visit the doctor saw it. You hadn't been abnormally fussy or anything! Even after your shot you were smiling at the doctor. He was impressed with your pain thresh hold. I was more upset about the ear infection then you were. It seemed everyone asked about you last week so I was reliving the frustration. I wish I was home with you all day, then you wouldn't have picked this up from daycare. :-/

Next you'll hit 5 months on what could have been your brother's 2 year birthday. Crazy. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

4 months

Details about the last month to come *smile*
1st ear infection diagnosed today *frown*
15 lbs 11 oz - 75th percentile
26 inches - 95th percentile

Had to do some nervous baking tonight as my new nephew was being born! So exciting. 
Couldn't help but think of waiting for his sister to be born...just 6 short weeks after Sammy...

Sunday, September 2, 2012

during a hurricane...

babies *might* be less cranky than their mama - or maybe that's just at our house. I mean the houses of all the people that were kind enough to put us up until our power came back half on.

your mama might find a chair in the room y'all stay in during the hurricane and decide it's great for pictures. she might learn a new word, perfectly fitting what you do every time you're set up. tump. you tump over almost every time get set up.

it's the perfect size for you!

she might haul the chair downstairs while the girls, who so graciously allowed y'all to stay in their room, show you music video's on their ipods. *game day*

later, A will teach you how to play a racing game and you will watch intently.

during the aftermath of the hurricane, in 90 degree temps, you will get to nap in the dining room. the temps will require you to forgo swaddling...growing up...

it's so hot even the dogs find random places to rest. 

no baby was left unattended for the duration of these photos
dad will set you up outside to get some fresh air and decide that you need your picture taken some more. you have found your pointer finger during this last week. it must taste amazing 'cause you will take that paci out in a heartbeat to stick that finger in.

Mama hasn't captured a picture yet but you also decided that laying down is for *babies* and will try to "sit up" whenever you're tipped back too far...ahhh, you're growing right up...

Seriously though. We have been crashing on twin beds, futons, and mattresses on the floor for the last 7 nights. I love my friends and times like these remind me why. A few people have opened up their homes to us and currently our neighbor is letting us use a window AC unit *and* his generator. Since his power is back on and all. Our local energy provider and the electrician have decided this is a good time to fight about what proper electrical hook up is. So while our neighborhood has been restored to full power we are quite literally in the dark. And the hot. Except for neighbor Will. 

Apparently it takes a village to raise a child *and* his parents. during a hurricane.