Saturday, October 29, 2011

It's complicated...

Some things happened this week that got me all fired up to start blogging again. And now the ideas, the important things I want people to know, and the release of my own anxiety is all tangled up in a tight, pulsing knot.

My life isn't simple*. It is, in fact, quite complicated. But even in the midst of that I am certain of one thing: Jesus. His blood. His grace. His love. I guess that's more than one thing.

And even as I feel that certainty deep within, today I am struggling with the fact that trust now equals foolishness to me. I'm hoping to share more soon but let me suffice it to say that everything that I have trusted in life has let me down. If I'm completely honest, God has even let me down. But somehow, His good in my life has outweighed the disappointment. I wish I could explain it better but I guess that's why they call it a "personal relationship", ya'll gotta get your own to understand.

*and I'm willing to bet yours isn't either.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Oct 7, 2011

It wasn't easy.

I got a lot of messages from sweet sweet friends who knew what a hard day it was going to be. Thank you. I didn't respond to many of them...what's a girl to say?

We really didn't do anything on Friday. I spent the day thinking about last year and reading his birth story. I didn't even look at pictures until Sunday morning. Saturday I woke up to a present in the mail for me and Sammy and that seemed to turn my mood right around. Or getting past "the day" helped. I made myself meet a friend for coffee (almost cancelled about 50 times, just wasn't in the mood).

Then Sunday morning before church I started looking at pictures. I think I started this blog post then too and got distracted by the pictures. I cried. I was sad. And then I found myself feeling *bad* for feeling sad. ?? I don't know if it is all the "let go" messages people have been giving me or the "more graceful" way I have judged a few other mama's experience as they pass their babies 1 year anniversary but I felt bad for being sad.


Figuring out feelings is hard work for me. I still don't know how I would classify what I felt on Friday. I have lots of conflicting feelings so I guess it makes sense that it would be difficult to separate them and sort through the reasons why I feel this way or that. And it doesn't stop at sorting, then I have to figure out the legitimacy of the origin of the feeling. No wonder I'm so tired and thank God for my therapist.

So Sunday I figured out some of my thoughts and feelings and was able to see my own folly. Shoot, no one expected me to be happy or unaffected by Sammy's birthday, why did I have that expectation for myself? If every other mother of a dead baby released balloons, sang a song, went through their baby's box of stuff and had a cake for their baby, it still doesn't mean that I have to do any of that. What I did was perfect for me for that day.

Sometimes I wish there was a "right way" to do all this. I wish there was a manual that could help me navigate grief and baby loss.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

on the birthday and letting go

Last week my mom texted that she was sending a package to me and it's going to be delivered on Wednesday. Great timing for your birthday present she said.

I was confused...thinking she was a couple days early for the birthday but early is good for her. Then I realized she meant *my* birthday, not the birthday that has taken over my mind.

It's happening. Even though my baby is gone, I am becoming less selfish and concentrating on my kid. Makes me feel like a real mama.


I have been pondering "letting go" over the last couple of weeks. It sounds incredibly horrible to me but a few people have mentioned it. Most of them are aware of the season too (dead baby anniversary), which perplexes me even more. At least it took a year I guess?

I can't even believe it's been a year. I woke up today shocked that September is already over, October is here. Last year I painted my belly the Sunday before he was born. The weather has changed, cooled down a bit earlier than usual, just like it did last year. Is it weird to wish it was last year again so I could be feeling his kicks and getting ready to meet him?

Anyway - on letting go. I tend to just shut down when people start telling me that. Obviously they have not been through something like this, what is there for me to let go of? HE'S GONE. I fulfill my work duties and almost no one is really aware of the way I'm actually feeling these days, or at least, they pretend not to notice. What more could there be to this "letting go", "moving on"?

The disappointment of losing Sammy feels fresh right now. There have been some other big disappointments in my life in this last year. And today I felt challenged to embrace them, and let go of the plans and dreams that I had for what my life was supposed to be. I don't like these changes, this new reality of mine. But I have to keep moving, keep trusting that the Lord has ordered my steps, that He loves me and has *good things* in store for me.

I'll never let go of Sammy but I do need to let go of what I expected life to be.