I got a lot of messages from sweet sweet friends who knew what a hard day it was going to be. Thank you. I didn't respond to many of them...what's a girl to say?
We really didn't do anything on Friday. I spent the day thinking about last year and reading his birth story. I didn't even look at pictures until Sunday morning. Saturday I woke up to a present in the mail for me and Sammy and that seemed to turn my mood right around. Or getting past "the day" helped. I made myself meet a friend for coffee (almost cancelled about 50 times, just wasn't in the mood).
Then Sunday morning before church I started looking at pictures. I think I started this blog post then too and got distracted by the pictures. I cried. I was sad. And then I found myself feeling *bad* for feeling sad. ?? I don't know if it is all the "let go" messages people have been giving me or the "more graceful" way I have judged a few other mama's experience as they pass their babies 1 year anniversary but I felt bad for being sad.
SMH
Figuring out feelings is hard work for me. I still don't know how I would classify what I felt on Friday. I have lots of conflicting feelings so I guess it makes sense that it would be difficult to separate them and sort through the reasons why I feel this way or that. And it doesn't stop at sorting, then I have to figure out the legitimacy of the origin of the feeling. No wonder I'm so tired and thank God for my therapist.
So Sunday I figured out some of my thoughts and feelings and was able to see my own folly. Shoot, no one expected me to be happy or unaffected by Sammy's birthday, why did I have that expectation for myself? If every other mother of a dead baby released balloons, sang a song, went through their baby's box of stuff and had a cake for their baby, it still doesn't mean that I have to do any of that. What I did was perfect for me for that day.
Sometimes I wish there was a "right way" to do all this. I wish there was a manual that could help me navigate grief and baby loss.
Yeah, I've been looking for that manual too. I have been trying to "plan" Rachel's first bday for months and the conclusion I came to is that I'm not planning ANYTHING for that day. I want to plan something for a different day, but on her actual bday, I want to be free to sit around and cry if that is what I want to do. (I did the same on her diagnosis day) Plus, I don't want to be disappointed on her actual day if I invite others to celebrate her with me and they fail me... Our families are really not supportive. I have enough hurt and don't need to create anymore for myself. I think it sounds perfect what you did...and just because people blog about a cake, a party, balloons or some other really cool thing they did for their baby's bday, doesn't mean they weren't broken all the way through it. I gave Rachel a really nice funeral service and yet at the end of the day, I would have liked to jump in the grave with her. It's ok to do 'nothing' - or do it differently. You're an amazing Mama and the best Mama that Sammy could have ever had. You worked so hard for him and for our God - I think his birthday is a good time to take a rest - and cry as much as you need to. ♥ Still thinking of you both every day ♥
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of you and hoping his day would be gentle on your heart. It can be hard to know how to feel. You wonder am I doing it "right"? Just do what feels right in actions and emotions
ReplyDeleteThere is no 'right' way...it is such a battle. I broke down big time the other day looking at his pictures, but I felt more at peace right around his birthday, just thinking about his home in heaven. I think it hits us all at different times, in different ways. The biggest thing is just allowing it to come...as it needs to come...we all are here for you and here to listen...if and when you need that!
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