Sunday, October 2, 2011

on the birthday and letting go

Last week my mom texted that she was sending a package to me and it's going to be delivered on Wednesday. Great timing for your birthday present she said.

I was confused...thinking she was a couple days early for the birthday but early is good for her. Then I realized she meant *my* birthday, not the birthday that has taken over my mind.

It's happening. Even though my baby is gone, I am becoming less selfish and concentrating on my kid. Makes me feel like a real mama.


I have been pondering "letting go" over the last couple of weeks. It sounds incredibly horrible to me but a few people have mentioned it. Most of them are aware of the season too (dead baby anniversary), which perplexes me even more. At least it took a year I guess?

I can't even believe it's been a year. I woke up today shocked that September is already over, October is here. Last year I painted my belly the Sunday before he was born. The weather has changed, cooled down a bit earlier than usual, just like it did last year. Is it weird to wish it was last year again so I could be feeling his kicks and getting ready to meet him?

Anyway - on letting go. I tend to just shut down when people start telling me that. Obviously they have not been through something like this, what is there for me to let go of? HE'S GONE. I fulfill my work duties and almost no one is really aware of the way I'm actually feeling these days, or at least, they pretend not to notice. What more could there be to this "letting go", "moving on"?

The disappointment of losing Sammy feels fresh right now. There have been some other big disappointments in my life in this last year. And today I felt challenged to embrace them, and let go of the plans and dreams that I had for what my life was supposed to be. I don't like these changes, this new reality of mine. But I have to keep moving, keep trusting that the Lord has ordered my steps, that He loves me and has *good things* in store for me.

I'll never let go of Sammy but I do need to let go of what I expected life to be.