Saturday, September 24, 2011

it'll sneak you

Oct 7 2011

Last weekend I noticed my milk at home had the expiration date of Oct 5 and started thinking about how cool it would be to get something with an expiration date of Oct 7...I figured I missed it with the milk and tucked away that random thought.

Tuesday and Wednesday nights were spent in tears just being sad about Sammy. I haven't cried that *hard* in a long time...maybe once since Sammy was born and only a few times right after the diagnosis. And I just let myself do it, hoping it would get out of my system or something.

Friday morning, my co-worker and I were standing in the cafeteria drinking milk and I noticed the date. Oct 7 2011.

me: "awww" - pointing to the date
JM: blank stare
me: "that's sammy's birthday, I'm tearing up" pointing to my eyes
JM: eyes widen

I tried hard to just feel through it, wiped tears as I collected the students trash, getting quizzical looks from a few of them. And then all of the sudden I couldn't stop. My kiddo's went with another teacher for a few minutes while I went and cried in the corner of my classroom until the absurdity of the tears made me laugh. SMH the expiration date made me sob.


I'm thankful for those who have shared their experiences before me so I'm a little less likely to feel bad about this sudden resurgence of grief. 12 months is a hard milestone to pass. I don't know what to do for his birthday. Last year, straight home from the hospital, I started thinking about what we would do to celebrate. This year, I dunno. Nothing seems big enough or small enough.

grief, it'll sneak you.