Wednesday, November 3, 2010

fast forward

In our own separate ways Dave and I have both mentioned wanting to hit the fast forward button in life. Dave is ready to set up a Christmas tree! I feel deeply unsatisfied in life and want to move to the next step. There must be a next step! It must be coming soon!

Looking back over the recent days I can think of a couple times where I told myself to slow down. I put some pictures together in a frame and was in such a rush that I messed it up a bit...rushed because?? Last night I substituted yogurt for sour cream in a baking recipe without looking up if one can even do that legitimately. *shrug* The bread tastes great, so I got away with it, but it's just not really like me to be in such a rush.

And everybody today is blogging about living in the moment. Ya'll, I don't want to live in *this moment*. People who don't have any frame of reference say time will heal, people who know say you'll just get better at dealing with the pain and loss. Either way, I want to be there, not here.

What do you do in the here, waiting for the there? How do I live in this moment without dwelling in it?


  1. Sigh. One moment at a time - with God's help. I've found that it helps me to find ways to help others - through what I've learned on our journey with Karinne. Give yourself some time sweetie! I know it's hard to be "here". Heck I'm still here myself - what do I know? Just wanted to send you a HUG I guess.

  2. I wish I could tell you some magic fix for the 'here.' I suppose that's why we all do the things we, take pictures of the decorations we leave on our babies graves, try to comfort the others walking the same road...we just do whatever we can to get through another day without our little babies.

    The only thing I can think of that is worse than being 'here' is being 'here' alone...


  3. ugh. I'm not on that side of the journey yet and I still worry about what I'll do to keep myself busy while I'm "there". Right now, while I'm planning things, I can feel like I'm doing something for Rachel. My mom told me today that it would get harder when there was nothing left to do. I cried. Nothing left to do?? What will I do then? (I'm a do-er) I guess there's nothing you can do. Nothing will take the pain away - the loss is too big. It hurts. But I will tell you that as a mom about to go down that road, I have gotten so much hope and strength from you. You found my blog the day you were going in to be induced and I have followed yours every day since. You are an inspiration. While you've been "here" you have helped me so much. I pray that it brings you comfort to know how many people smile every day because of Sammy and because of you...although I know that doesn't make it easier or hurt less.

    Thinking of you,

  4. Oh, how little can I say (in my bad english even less...)!
    I remember times in my life where i have been at that point. And I am quite afraid of getting where you are right now. I Imagine it being the most difficult part of 'our' journey. So I can just thank you once again for sharing Sammy with me, for letting me feel your incredible capacity to love, for inspiring my faith through yours.
    I think of you in compassion,
    And I will pray for you!
    Lot's of Love from Germany,

  5. Wow, Melissa....I'm there with you. Sometimes I feel like I 'should' be past this point. But I lost a huge part of my son. So did you. We are allowed to be here. But I agree...I don't want to be here either. I want to get my Christmas tree too. I'm ready to move forward and onward. But for some reason God has to walk us through these steps. And we will keep moving forward. Slowly. i'm here. ;) I was thinking, I should get your phone number, because a million times I have wanted to text you crazy thoughts in my day...just needed you to tell me you understand :) haha!!

  6. Melissa,
    I know how hard it is to see the other side to all the pain you are experiencing in the "here". It is okay to experience the pain, have a good cry, miss Sammy, talk to the Lord about your pain, but don't DWELL in it. Maybe you can think of a special way to honor Sammy's memory throughout the holidays. Pick out a special ornament, send family members Christmas gifts to honor Sammy's memory also.
    Take baby steps and allow God to minister comfort to you. Ask a friend to call you daily to check on you. Angela did that for me, she would let me cry and pray with me.
    Something else that really helped me was the devotions from Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowen. Each day seemed to speak to my grief and pain. I would focus on what the Lord was telling me.
    This too shall pass. Remember that. God will bring you strength to strength, from glory to glory. Focus on Jesus and the word he has given you.
    I love you and am continuing to pray for you and Dave. You WILL get through this. Helping others out is a great healing for your soul as well.