Friday, November 12, 2010

5 weeks out

alternate title: 5 weeks out, a lifetime to go

alternate title: the one with excessive quotes

alternate title: numb

It has been a numb week. When I am tempted to say "I had a good week" and judge the week by the amount of tears and sadness, I feel reminded that it's because of the numb, not any emotional growth or anything that puts me in a "good" place.

And where the numb works for getting through it fails in the memories. I look at pictures and can hardly believe that is me holding my baby. Did it happen? Was I really pregnant for 9 months? Was I really sick for 5 of those months? Did I really feel kicks at all hours of the day and night? Did I really get to kiss those cheeks, squeeze those thighs, pat that bottom?

Reason #1593920 I feel crazy this week? I *hate* that grief is not a linear process so I find myself pretending it is, wishing the weeks away so I will get to "feeling better". And at the same time the tears I shed are because life is getting "back to normal".

Reason #1593921 - There is no going back and that "normal" no longer exists.


"You may notice an inability to make decisions, accomplish even normal things, and even a difficulty in getting out of bed. Your priorities may change and you might not know how to deal with this. Keep in mind that this is a temporary 'you'. It is what happens to many people during grief. Don't fight it to hard and recognize that is normal."
Empty Arms - Sherokee Isle

Amelia's mama emailed this week and brought to my attention this inability to make decisions. I am not very good at making decisions these days. Most glaring example - crying at the restaurant because I don't know what to order...and then crying again 5 minutes later when Dave asked me what I wanna do after we eat.

I make myself do "normal" things - like this week, my goal every day was to have the dishes done by the time Dave got home. It strikes me as funny because "normally" I would not have this goal, but it seems like a "normal" thing to do so it has been the goal this week. Basically it was the only goal this week. I like to keep things simple.

My real favorite part of that quote is bolded and it encourages me today. This is only a temporary me and this is a temporary "normal" (not the dishes part, the rest of it).

*deep inhale*

*deep exhale*



  1. Melissa, I read every single one of your blog entries. Thank you for being transparent with us and giving us an opportunity to pray for you specifically. As you go through this very real grief, please know we are praying for you and thinking of you often...
    Much Love,

  2. Praying for you each and every step of the way.

  3. Thanks for posting this. I am so hard on myself about how ridiculous I have been about making decisions. In Europe, for example, I would want two different things and then just CRY because both of them couldn't happen. WHAT? But knowing you are dealing too makes it more real to me, and makes me feel WAY more normal. So sorry you're already at 5 weeks. Can't believe I'm at 8. Putting those ashes in the ground today might have just tore the last bit of sanity right out of me :)