alternate title: 5 weeks out, a lifetime to go
alternate title: the one with excessive quotes
alternate title: numb
It has been a numb week. When I am tempted to say "I had a good week" and judge the week by the amount of tears and sadness, I feel reminded that it's because of the numb, not any emotional growth or anything that puts me in a "good" place.
And where the numb works for getting through it fails in the memories. I look at pictures and can hardly believe that is me holding my baby. Did it happen? Was I really pregnant for 9 months? Was I really sick for 5 of those months? Did I really feel kicks at all hours of the day and night? Did I really get to kiss those cheeks, squeeze those thighs, pat that bottom?
Reason #1593920 I feel crazy this week? I *hate* that grief is not a linear process so I find myself pretending it is, wishing the weeks away so I will get to "feeling better". And at the same time the tears I shed are because life is getting "back to normal".
Reason #1593921 - There is no going back and that "normal" no longer exists.
"You may notice an inability to make decisions, accomplish even normal things, and even a difficulty in getting out of bed. Your priorities may change and you might not know how to deal with this. Keep in mind that this is a temporary 'you'. It is what happens to many people during grief. Don't fight it to hard and recognize that is normal."
Empty Arms - Sherokee Isle
Amelia's mama emailed this week and brought to my attention this inability to make decisions. I am not very good at making decisions these days. Most glaring example - crying at the restaurant because I don't know what to order...and then crying again 5 minutes later when Dave asked me what I wanna do after we eat.
I make myself do "normal" things - like this week, my goal every day was to have the dishes done by the time Dave got home. It strikes me as funny because "normally" I would not have this goal, but it seems like a "normal" thing to do so it has been the goal this week. Basically it was the only goal this week. I like to keep things simple.
My real favorite part of that quote is bolded and it encourages me today. This is only a temporary me and this is a temporary "normal" (not the dishes part, the rest of it).