Monday, November 29, 2010

Here we go...

L to R: Cami, Laura, Lawrence & Brandon
Dave's sister & family
the green reminded me of Sammy all day :-)

back row: Sharonne, Sam, Grandma Virginia
front row: My hair, Dave
seriously - how big is my hair? what is dave doing with his hand?

Whew. I don't know where to start. Michigan was good. We got to see family and friends. It was great to catch up with our church family on Sunday and personally thank all the people who have been praying with us and encouraging us over these last few months.

Tackled a couple firsts last week...really they tackled me...I don't remember a time where I felt so many conflicting emotions at the same time. I was so excited and happy for Isabel to make her appearance I didn't anticipate the sadness. I'm sure on some level I knew it would come.

It is impossible to look at pictures or hear stories about Isabel and not wonder how it could have been. On top of all that, I know I was planning this years double baby holidays before that May ultrasound so one bout of wondering led to another...and with a little lack of sleep it just made for a long week. Life with Isabel and without Sammy begins, 1st new baby in the family since Sammy.

The other first...well...two close friends announced their pregnancies this weekend. I knew both couples were "trying" and I am excited for them. And terrified for them. I don't understand how they could watch all THIS go down and happily plan a pregnancy. I'm angry that our innocence is gone. I'm sad. And somewhere deep down I'm hopeful.

I've called grief a roller coaster, well last week (still a little) it's the tilt-a-whirl. I hardly stopped spinning from one thing and we were off to spinning again. Can you imagine feeling happy for someone else, sad for yourself, and a little mad (at God! The audacity, I know, but it's true) all at the same time? Tilt-a-whirl.

I'm not sitting still much these days, full of nervous energy and emotions that don't want to be sorted or set to the side. I start back at school with students tomorrow. I went in today to get acquainted with things and spent the first 10 minutes crying in my room and then cried when the first person I saw asked how I was doing. Hopefully that's kind of out of my system and tomorrow I can function a little bit better.

I'm excited to see the kids and get back to work but really sad at the same time. It was jarring to realize that my mind was consumed by something other than Sammy and sadness this afternoon. It feels like I'm "moving on" from that period of time when I got to focus on Sammy 100% of the time. When memories are all I have it feels like a betrayal to not remember...and moments when I lose my eternal perspective are the worst...

Please excuse the randomness of this post, it's been a while and my mind is whirring at 100 mph. I've made 2 kinds of cookies in the last couple days and started 3 crafts (not finished). Returned items to four stores on Sunday and cooked a turkey. AND another lizard made its way into the house tonight...Stella chased it in between my feet and I let out the best Hollywood scream ever. It is still on the loose. I wasn't joking about not sitting still.

These verses have been lingering on my heart and Pastor preached from them on Sunday.

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:28-31

I need to get to bed, off to work tomorrow!


  1. I've SO Been There sweetie! In every aspect you wrote about. Praying for you as you return to work tomorrow.

  2. This new life without our babies stinks.
    Wishing you peace and a very uneventful day back at work!