Tuesday, August 31, 2010


I had a bad dream. It wasn't even that bad of a dream. But somehow in the middle of the night as I woke up thinking about it, it hurt my feelings. I made one of many night trips to the bathroom and got back into bed. And started crying. And thinking crazy thoughts. I finally knew I had to wake up Dave even though he was slumbering so soundly. I turned to face him and for whatever reason (you know like the lurching and rocking of the bed as my not-so-little self heaved over, or the sobs) he woke up immediately asking if I was ok.

I told him I had a bad dream, what it was and how it made me feel. It feels sooo transparent to type it out. Imagine my uncomfortable pause here.

I dreamt that as I was holding Sammy immediately after he was born and didn't open my eyes to look at him (in hind sight, I have lots of dreams where I can't open my eyes...huh). That was the part of the dream that bothered me. So in my half awake state my mind started to worry that I don't love Sammy enough. And then I started crying. So my explanation to Dave went:
"I was holding Sammy but my eyes were closed. What if I don't love him enough?"

Dave, in his half awake state, told me that didn't even make sense and held me for a while as I cried. I laid there wanting him to say more. Finally he said:
"you know that's devil stuff right?"

ahhhhh. Yes. I know before I decided to wake Dave I tried to chase away the thoughts with all a bunch of scriptures, one being "perfect love cast out fear". So I called on the Lord's perfect love to get rid of my fear. I know I recalled a couple other verses (but can't remember them right now) and then woke Dave up. After he put together this middle of the night puzzle for me I asked him to pray, he did, and we were able to sleep a bit more before the alarm sounded.

Two crazy old songs popped into my head...one by Petra! LOL Called Love is patient maybe? It just cracked me up. Which reminds me 1 Corinthians 13 was one of the verses that I started thinking of in the night...

The other song was by DC Talk (I only know these things because I google search the lyrics that get stuck in my head - usually only a handful of words from the actual songs). After Dave prayed and I was falling back to the sleep the lyrics "I wanna be in the Light, as you are in the Light, I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens". That reminded me of Pastor's sermon the Sunday his mama was in town.

Light and dark cannot coexist. Impossible. So where am I and what truths am I relying on? Those of the Light or those of darkness. On my way to work I was thinking about all this and really felt that the only opening I've had lately for any darkness to creep in is while I'm half awake. Sneaky. And then I got mad that our house and specifically our bedroom was not protected from those sneaky thoughts. So Monday I prayed a big 'ol shield over my mind, bedroom, house, and classroom even.

Today I can see how absolutely ridiculous all my middle of the night thoughts and worries were. I was reading on another blog and playing there was a song I've heard a TON over the last few months called "I Will Carry You" by Selah (lead singer's wife carried a baby girl to term who had been given a fatal diagnosis). The last lyrics really got me though. I love Sammy more than makes sense to me. And even when it hurts I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am *honored* to feel him grow and kick. I am *honored* to be chosen to carry him.

If you don't know this song, I suggest you get some tissues now. I don't listen to it too often. In my searches just now Dave heard the opening bars and said "I heard the sad music". Cause he just knows that it makes me cry. Someday I will learn how to put a video on my blog so ya'll don't have to follow links but until then:

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o

There were photographs i wanted to take
Things i wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that i am brave but I`m not
Truth is i`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So i will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Sneaky thoughts or not. I love Sammy times a million. And the Lord loves us both times infinity. The end (or the beginning really :-).


  1. You're so beautiful... and a great mama. A woman on HLIC staff sang that song at our conference after they lost a baby. What a song!

  2. Melissa,
    I love that song!!! I too have heard it on many blogs. Every mommy's feelings that have lost a little one, put into a beautiful song. I cry every time I hear it too!

    You are doing such an excellent job in loving Sammy!!! He is one very special baby boy and has such awesome parents!! Know that he loves you very much too!!