It was a much needed day off, Monday and Tuesday I worked 12 hours days. We had orientation in the evenings and let me tell you, this pregnant lady was tiiiiired. I was able to get a solid 11 hours of sleep (you know, by solid sleep I mean only up 5 or 6 times to use the restroom) and I got to spend my day (yesterday) off writing my scripted plan for the first day. I feel prepared for that - having spent 3 hours writing 11 pages of script (!!!!).
Ya'll, I'm not joking about my foggy brain. Monday and Tuesday were good days, but super tiring so Wednesday evening I remember having a little break down about something...but I don't remember what. Anyway, I cried. A lot. Got sleep and was feeling energetic and like I could tackle all my school planning on Thursday. Until our doctor appointment. *sigh*
(oh yeah, we didn't meet with Wendy yet because she had to go out of town at the last minute. We'll meet with her next week.)
Doctor's appointment. We must have been one of the last appointments of the day, the waiting room was empty. Something on the tv made me sad again...brain fog not clearing but it may have had something to do with a cute chunky baby...I do remember trying to sit there and distract myself.
I had been still enough yesterday to feel quite a few Braxton Hicks contractions and had the office assistants at the dr's office concerned by the way I was rubbing my tummy. I weighed, and was sad to see the highest weight I've ever seen on a scale. Only up 10 pounds since 10 weeks though so that's ok...and in spite of this being the most I've ever weighed we're pretty sure my overall shape has shrunk considerably (except the tummy of course) since this pregnancy started...end tangent.
As we waited I still tried to distract myself. Each appointment is now one visit closer to us saying good bye to Sammy. I do remember that makes me sad. Dr v started the exam and as he measured my belly (perfectly measuring between 32-33 weeks) this conversation takes place.
Dr. v: "do you have a pediatrician chosen yet?"
me: pause "do we need one?"
Dr. v: "yes, blah blah blah" (I quit listening, I understood he was confused, I didn't want to think about it)
me: "even though he has anencephaly?"
Dr. v: "oh. uh. I was thinking of something else. No, you won't need one, there will be a neonatal blah blah blah" (I quit listening again, sad and trying not to cry).
We made it through the appointment but I think all that coupled with the school stress...the pressure is starting to build up. I don't even think I cried about it all yesterday. I understand that doctors are human and make mistakes...it was the end of the day and he obviously had not looked closely at my chart, which is slathered with the word anencephaly, as it sat open in front of him. I also feel that it was just another reminder from the Lord that I can't *rely* on anyone but Him. The best doctor is still gonna make mistakes. *sigh*
This morning as I woke up I remembered a dream I had about the day Sammy is born and the tears started. It was a crazy dream, involving me actually being pregnant with quintz this whole time, all of them suffering from anencephaly, but I only had eyes for Sammy. I couldn't remember the labor or actual birth and I didn't even hold him in the dream but I remember he was adorable and I loved him so much. While remembering makes me cry some more, it's also reassuring to me. That all this time loving him through my skin will not be wasted.
I was beyond crabby for most of the day and there must have been a cloud hanging over my head because a few people asked how I was feeling or keeping up or wasn't it tiring doing all this work while growing a little human? The volunteers asking when I was due and the fact that I rushed through the answer and tried to look busy so they wouldn't ask more questions hurt. I *loved* talking babies and pregnancy before all this. On my way out of school I felt Sammy kicking and thought about how all I wanted to do was sit and spend time feeling his kicks tonight. Instead I have work to do and then I get sad that I have to spend so much time enjoying the kicks because I won't get to spend time with him after he's born...I kept it together until I got to the car today and cried for a good hour. It's not the Dr's fault he brought up some of the "norms" that I so avoid trying to think about (except it is his fault). I do love my job but the stress of a new year, new grade, new system, being pregnant, grieving...
Please keep me in your prayers. I'm excited for this year but have limited capacity to remember and focus. Did I mention the brain fog? I'm half grateful it allows me to avoid thinking about sad things although it's not helpful when I need to get work done. And apparently roller coaster emotions? Keep Dave in your prayers as he has front row seats to the show.
Grieving makes me feel crazy. I know I have to grieve but sometimes I feel like I spend too much time in that pit. I was reminded this morning of one of the songs I could actually play on my guitar back in the day.
You Are My Hiding Place (circa 1981 Maranatha! Music thankyouverymuch)
you are my hiding place
you always fill my heart with songs of deliverance
whenever I am afraid I will trust in you
I will trust in you
let the weak say I am strong in the strength of the Lord
I will trust in you
I know I will spend these next few weeks trusting in the Lord. Continually trusting for a miracle, trusting for peace and grace in this entire process.