Sunday, August 8, 2010

- good looking out - part 2

I had briefly explained what was going on with me and Sammy to the social worker (SW) earlier in the week so we didn't have to start the meeting with all that. But it didn't take long for the week's heaviness to settle in over me. She started telling me that she had contacted another person in her office who had more experience with grief and unexpected circumstances and that that person would be a better one for me to talk to so that her and I didn't have to worry about boundaries between a counseling relationship and our work relationship.

I was confused. I wanted to talk with her about how to talk to the children and their parents and it seemed she was offering *me* services. I asked, would I talk to her co-worker for me, or the kids? She gave me a confused look and said for me. She went on to say that there used to be a grief group for parents who had lost children ages 0-4 and repeated that her friend would be able to talk with me a lot more about grief, loss, and all the things I was going through.
At this point I was still a little confused but said I would take her co-workers number and call. I mentioned that I want to be a resource for people in the future who are going through something like this in the New Orleans area and the more information I had the better.

I picture God at this point shaking his head at me and the social worker still had a puzzled look on her face. She was great about saying that would be a good reason to call and somehow transitioned to talking about my needs.

The rest is kind of blur...I know I cried and did that horrible cry talk for about half of our conversation, at a couple points in our conversation it hurt to breath. I wasn't crying at that point, but each inhale was shallow and stabbing. I have so many people supporting me and letting me be me as I talk about Sammy and this whole process. But to hear from basically a stranger that I needed to take care of me first and that my thoughts and feelings were normal brought me such freedom that afternoon.

As I talked about my week and all the forgetfulness. She mentioned that for people who have faced an unexpected tragedy, that is all normal. She brought up that people who faced these situations can feel at times like they are outside themselves watching what's happening...I immediately thought of my lost sense of urgency and focus...

oh yeah, and the whole reason I wanted to talk to her, we basically decided to wait to make a decision. She told me I didn't need to tell anyone anything, and I definitely didn't need to make a decision right now. Or even before Sammy is born. More freedom. Except, I explained that right along with telling people face to face about Sammy now, the thought of facing the "normal" newborn mama related questions like "how's he sleeping? who does he look like? how big was he? etc" makes my heart hurt. My motivation for explaining something to the kids and their parents is to avoid those tough questions and the tears that I imagine would follow them. I don't want to dread my first day back to school after Sammy's born. The social worker was again reassuring. She told me it was great that I already recognized the triggers and that we could make those decisions later.

I just feel better. It feels better to know that my crazy is normal. It feels good to be let off the hook (my own hook, nonetheless) for not thinking about how to explain things to my students and their parents.

Good looking out God. He knew I needed some encouragement. He knew I would go searching out answers for how to take care of other people and find the answer for how to take care of myself. He knew I needed someone to tell me to take care of me first and deal with everything else second.

Thank you all for your prayers. The Lord is answering them.


  1. Melissa ~ I couldn't agree more with taking care of yourself first. You are putting way too much pressure on yourself and wearing yourself right out. Eventually, you may be a good resource for others - but you're trying to be one now! You don't need to offer explanations to the kids or their parents right now. You are expecting and are going out on maternity leave. That's all they need to know. If they press you with questions about the baby, just tell them that there are some concerns and you'd appreciate their prayers. You don't need to say anything more. It's really not any of their business. With the children, keep the focus on their work. Don't worry about your first day back to school. Take care of today, then tomorrow when it is tomorrow. One day at a time. Mentally and emotionally, give Sammy to God. Every day, say - Lord -this is your child. Do with him as you will. I give him back to you. May you receive honor and glory from this little life you have placed inside of me. Don't let Satan come against you with all this confusion. He is the author of confusion. Call out to the Lord when you feel this oppression. Keep your focus on Him and his power. Abraham gave up Isaac on the altar and was willing to sacrifice him, but at the last moment, God provided a ram. Keep your eyes on the Lord. Step aside and let the Lord step in. Our prayers are still continuing. God is still on His throne. Jesus is still Lord. With Him, we are overcomers! Love you Melissa. Sending you a big hug from both of us.

  2. Hey friend. I was waiting for part two. I love reading your thoughts. Reminds me of when the lights would go out in the pink room with the circus stripes... you always seemed to open up then. Missing you.