I was confused. I wanted to talk with her about how to talk to the children and their parents and it seemed she was offering *me* services. I asked, would I talk to her co-worker for me, or the kids? She gave me a confused look and said for me. She went on to say that there used to be a grief group for parents who had lost children ages 0-4 and repeated that her friend would be able to talk with me a lot more about grief, loss, and all the things I was going through.
At this point I was still a little confused but said I would take her co-workers number and call. I mentioned that I want to be a resource for people in the future who are going through something like this in the New Orleans area and the more information I had the better.
I picture God at this point shaking his head at me and the social worker still had a puzzled look on her face. She was great about saying that would be a good reason to call and somehow transitioned to talking about my needs.
The rest is kind of blur...I know I cried and did that horrible cry talk for about half of our conversation, at a couple points in our conversation it hurt to breath. I wasn't crying at that point, but each inhale was shallow and stabbing. I have so many people supporting me and letting me be me as I talk about Sammy and this whole process. But to hear from basically a stranger that I needed to take care of me first and that my thoughts and feelings were normal brought me such freedom that afternoon.
As I talked about my week and all the forgetfulness. She mentioned that for people who have faced an unexpected tragedy, that is all normal. She brought up that people who faced these situations can feel at times like they are outside themselves watching what's happening...I immediately thought of my lost sense of urgency and focus...
oh yeah, and the whole reason I wanted to talk to her, we basically decided to wait to make a decision. She told me I didn't need to tell anyone anything, and I definitely didn't need to make a decision right now. Or even before Sammy is born. More freedom. Except, I explained that right along with telling people face to face about Sammy now, the thought of facing the "normal" newborn mama related questions like "how's he sleeping? who does he look like? how big was he? etc" makes my heart hurt. My motivation for explaining something to the kids and their parents is to avoid those tough questions and the tears that I imagine would follow them. I don't want to dread my first day back to school after Sammy's born. The social worker was again reassuring. She told me it was great that I already recognized the triggers and that we could make those decisions later.
I just feel better. It feels better to know that my crazy is normal. It feels good to be let off the hook (my own hook, nonetheless) for not thinking about how to explain things to my students and their parents.
Good looking out God. He knew I needed some encouragement. He knew I would go searching out answers for how to take care of other people and find the answer for how to take care of myself. He knew I needed someone to tell me to take care of me first and deal with everything else second.
Thank you all for your prayers. The Lord is answering them.