Sunday, August 15, 2010

i wonder if...

...God sighs at me or just has to shake his head some times.

1. Friday nights post was a mess. I revisited it yesterday and there is just no flow. Obviously that's how my brain is/was functioning. Scary.

2. I will compliment every pregnant woman I see for the rest of my life. It really helped my day along yesterday to have a complete stranger comment about how "small" I am for being due in September and a coworker comment on how "cute" I looked in my rounded out panda t-shirt. When it's hard to get comfortable in even the most comfortable of chairs (much less hard plastic ones) one doesn't feel small or cute.

3. God is good. Amazingly good. I-don't-deserve-it good. This isn't the first time in my life that I have needed other people to tell me what's right in front of me. I feel like I'm usually such a great processor and spend a lot of time thinking about everything. And then there are times like now when I think God might be shaking his head at my inability to see and while he's still shaking his head, he provides someone to help me put my puzzle pieces together.

Basically this morning God allowed my pastor's mom to complete my puzzle. In a couple different ways. The most basic being this - when me and Sammy are being prayed over, I don't cry, I'm not sad, I'm comforted and encouraged. The exact opposite of being in that pit that I talk about. Huh. Pastor sermon was on being "children of light", he talked about how light and dark cannot coexist. Riiiiight. So that pit, that is complete and utter darkness? Not of God. It was a great reminder that I need to shine some Light on the subject when I feel draw to that awful pit. Not that grief in and of itself is the pit, but I need to be careful about letting grief take me there.

Before the pastor's mom knew who I was (she was visiting from Houston and has been praying for us) she prayed for the release of a spirit of oppression that she sensed over me when I walked into the prayer room. At that point I was praying for the church and Pastor and envisioning the mighty warrior angels that were camped out in each corner of the church. As she prayed (or reorganized my puzzle pieces) I began to see that sometimes the grief is oppression weighting me down. During worship we sang a song with the familiar scripture that no weapon formed against us will stand because Jesus is on our side. Puzzle complete.

Those warrior angels? They are camped around me too (doubly since Sammy's angels are hanging out with mine) and there is no weapon, or pit, that can be used against me if I continue to seek the Lord, believing, hoping, and trusting on His promises. Freedom. Church was great today :-)

Pastor's mom (I'd call her by name if I knew it) also prayed that nothing is impossible for Jesus. Duh - right - but that takes on so many challenges that I had been cowering behind. Can Sammy be healed? Yes. Will I be able to smile the day Sammy is born? Yes. Will I survive this? Yes. Can I survive this graciously and peacefully? Yes. None of this is impossible. It might be hard, but if I'm calling on those promises and trusting the Lord to carry me through, nothing is impossible with Jesus.

I would shake my head at me, if I was God. And I'd probably sigh a lot. But I'm thankful for my God who won't give up on me and who provides other people to piece together my puzzle when it's just to hard for me.

1 comment:

  1. I was telling a friend of mine your story and she knew exactly what it is that Sammy has. She immediately chimed in and told me about someone she knew that was pregnant with twins and one of the twins was diagnosed with the same thing Sammy has. So they prepared for the worst. When her twins were born, both were in perfect condition. The twin that had the diagnosis did have some other minor issues but no anenacephely.

    I don't know what God has in store for Sammy, but HE is a miracle working God. He CAN heal Sammy. Pastor Tim preached an awesome message about God's no's not being His rejection but his protection. We don't know why or understand his reasoning for saying no to something as precious as a baby! Sometimes I still question why He said no to my baby Desi, but I do trust that He did what was best for Shannon and me. I will always miss baby Desi and think about what he would be like now 3 yrs later. But we can't dwell on the what if's of life. One day we will be reunited with our loved ones, young and old and all will be revealed!!

    I will pray for Sammy's healing until the Lord gives us HIS answer!