Friday, August 6, 2010

- good looking out - part 1

Turns out, this whole week has been kinda rough. It started Monday morning when I told my team at work that I was going to start calling and setting up appointments to meet with the parents of my students. My co-teacher, the woman who will be taking over the class while I am out on maternity leave (or whatever it'll be called), asked what I was going to tell the parents...what did I plan on telling the kids...what did I want her to tell the kids if/when they asked questions.

A little back story here, I am starting a new job at a new school. By new school I mean the administration is new and 90% of the staff is new to the school. The curriculum and school environment is being set up in a different way then the last school I worked with. I'm excited about all these changes but it's a LOT of work. It's almost like being a first year teacher again. Only this time, I'm lacking any sense of urgency to meet deadlines and I know I'm lacking that urgency. It's one of those situations where I don't know what to blame it could be pregnancy fog, grief fog, the stress of all that and figuring out a new job...all I know is I'm not "me".

So I'm not sure why I was (and still am) surprised that I had not thought out how parents and students would be told about Sammy. I mean it makes sense to me that I would have avoided thinking about it and making that decision because it sucks to have to think about how to tell people your baby is gonna die. But it's not like the funeral home that I purposely avoided dealing with or the birth plan that sits unattended for the last few weeks because it always makes me cry...I didn't *plan* to avoid this planning.

I answered the questions the best I could and then decided to email a blogger I've read who faced a similar situation, started at a new school pregnant with a baby who had a fatal diagnosis. It was the email that pushed me over the edge into the "it's not fair" pit. I was able to get my composure and finish the day but it was not a fun evening at our house.

The rest of the week was full of wandering through the fog. Tuesday I sat in a meeting and thought of something I wanted to do at home that evening, by the time I dug out the paper and pen I forgot what I wanted to write down. Still don't remember. Wednesday I wanted to cry on the way to work because the songs on the radio were so musically beautiful (lifehouse and norah jones - really?). Thursday, I went to find some paper towel to clean up a spill. A half hour later, as I talked Science scope and sequence with the 2nd grade team and ate their pickle chips I remembered I was supposed to be getting paper towel for some spilled water. Oops.

Even in all that fog the Lord is good. My blogger friend wrote back and mentioned that the school counselor helped out in her case. Good idea! So I found the school social worker and asked to speak with her about how to relay the news to the students and parents. I warned her it was not a great week so we needed to meet at the end of a day when my cry face wouldn't offend anyone (or make them give me THAT look, you know, the look of sympathy that only makes things worse instead of better).

We finally were able to connect Thursday at the end of the day. And it was exactly what I needed this week and totally the Lord looking out for me.

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