Tomorrow is our hospital tour of Labor and Delivery. We are getting a personal tour and Wendy will be there...had to go back and check (people, the brain fog is only thickening) and I didn't tell ya'll about our meeting with Wendy last week! It was fantastic! I am so excited to have the opportunity to work with her, it's especially great in our circumstance but based on what she said about her role and how she executes it, I will want to use a doula every time I give birth. So many women I talk to say something to the effect of "and then, if I had been in my right mind, I would have said "let's do this!". But because I was in labor and couldn't think XYZ happened". And with this fog that is permeating and invading my brain, I can't imagine having clear thoughts WHILE being in some of the worst pain known to womankind (well, mankind too since we all know most women have a higher pain tolerance than the average man).
We sat in our living room with Wendy and talked for 3.5 hours. I feel like she has a good handle on who we are and what we want from this labor/birth and I know I feel good about how ready she is to handle anything that comes up and how knowledgeable she is about the topic of labor and birth. (side note - I am not exaggerating when I saw the medical system down here is messed up, Wendy's youngest 2 children were *home births* because of how jenky she thinks the system is.)
Basically for the last 3 years I've wondered why the Lord brought us to New Orleans. I have hated it. I have called it my Nineveh. And now all of the sudden, three years after moving to this god-forsaken (so I think) city, I feel like I'm getting a glimpse of why we might be here. At the time we moved it was about a job and knowing I wanted to teach in an urban school district. Detroit had nothing to offer, I applied for at least a dozen jobs and received NO calls for interviews. I got a job in New Orleans after passing their screening and having an on the spot interview. I had already processed through the list of reasons I moved to Detroit and how I had really done everything I moved there to do (and eventually I even got a bonus prize! a husband!). It seemed clear, Dave and I were to get married and move to New Orleans.
So there we were, finally found a fantastic church, despite my own internal battle about raising children here, we found ourselves starting a family, and I fulfilled my commitment to my old school district and was on my way to a better work environment. I had my family praying for "Dave's revelation" that it was time to leave for cooler climates.
da - dada - daaaaaaa - enter Sammy.
I'm still unsure about this city. And the weather here. But I guess I'm starting to see how the experiences we are having are shaping us into the people God wants us to be. As I was being prayed over last Sunday at church, the woman said something to the effect of "More is happening that what meets the eye, Sammy's life and this time is more than meets the eye". And I started thinking about how in life, there is nothing better than to be used by the Lord. What more could a person ask for? Hey, I'm still plenty sad and would give almost anything to keep my baby. But it just clicked, we were created to glorify God and can do nothing greater than be used of the Lord. Who else can take one of the worst things to happen in life and make it worth something?
I don't know how people get through losing a child without the Lord. I have been reading blogs for *years* of women who faced fatal diagnosis for their babies and were able to humbly and gracefully walk this path. Honestly, there are a few blogs I have not been able to read because I didn't understand where or how they found the peace they had.
I. Did. Not. Get. It.
I thank the Lord that I have so many people praying with me and for me because I can finally rest peacefully in Him. I know throughout these last few months I have asked lots of questions of the Lord and still have many brewing. And I have always felt an underlying stability in my foundation, even at my darkest and craziest feeling moments. That stability, thanks to all our prayers and the Lord's answer, has overgrown in my spirit like Morning Glory at 5516 University Place. *wink* trust me, it's an all consuming confidence that I can and will, not only survive this horrible situation, but be better for having gone through it all (I used to cringe when people wrote things like that or tried to tell me that about Sammy - this is growth!)
whew. That was a mindful. And I purposely left out many details. This is what I've been thinking about, you know, in all my spare time between growing a baby and teaching 1st graders.
thank YOU for the prayers. Time for our evening chocolate fix - Blue Belle Dutch Chocolate ice cream with coconut and mini chocolate chips.