There is another pregnant woman at church who just happened to sit down next to me. Last I knew, she was due at the end of September, just like me. So there in the middle of praise and worship I found myself fixated on the fact that this woman will get to take her baby home with her and I won't. I finally decided that I just needed to step out of service and deal with the emotions instead of wiping away the tears that I couldn't completely bottle up.
I stepped out to the restroom and just cried. I ended up in the sitting room before the bathroom trying to get a hold of myself. I felt bad for being distracted during worship. A wonderful woman from the church came into the restroom, following the Spirit's leading to come and pray with me. She began praying for me, mostly for peace and comfort. I did not explain what the struggle was, just sat and agreed with her prayers. Honestly I didn't believe that the prayers would be answered but within minutes I felt that inner calm and was able to return to the worship service and sit in my same seat.
I had another opportunity to use that experience last Thursday. I made a phone call to Wendy and felt courageous enough to finally ask for a funeral home suggestion. I know her husband is a pastor and has some experience with funeral homes in the area. It's one of the last details and makes me cry every time I think about it. Well, I made it through the conversation but as I returned to our training session at work, I again felt fixated on how unfair it is that I have to plan a funeral for my baby. The training session was on parent involvement...the presenter kept saying things like "parents do what they think is best for their children" and "parents want the best for their children" and it felt like a twisting knife that I can't do anything to fix this for Sammy.
I finally stepped out of the room and headed to find some tissues. Thanks to the answered prayer on Sunday I was able to talk myself away from hysteria. I focused on how planning a funeral is taking care of my baby in this instance and prayed for that complete peace that passes all understanding...it still hurt but it was enough to calm me down and let me return to the meeting.
Today I am in awe of the depths that the Lord will take me to in my understanding of His presence and provisions. Does that make sense? I'll be expounding on this as time goes by since it seems to be a theme...I mean, trust me, it's a weird co-mingling of toddler like tantrums and this "depth".
I don't even know if depth is the right word but I think I use it because I'm listening a lot to "How He Loves" by the David Crowder Band - "if His grace is an ocean we're all sinking" - I love the picture that paints, completely surrounded by grace, or whatever I need from the Lord, whenever I ask. Whether or not I feel it, whatever the it is (grace, love, peace), the Lord provides. I tend to believe that as I trust and hope for those things to become reality, I will feel them as well.
ahhh - tangents. Need to get some supper, Sammy is quick to let me know when it is time to eat.