Wednesday, December 8, 2010

well we all survived...

yesterday was my first work break down.

after thinking about it for a bit I guess it was probably about being overwhelmed. I counted on some time to do some work in the middle of the day and it wasn't going to happen...all of the sudden I felt like I didn't know what to do and started crying in front of about 150 kids and 8 or so staff members. I totally knew what to do but in that moment couldn't think and couldn't stop myself from crying. I couldn't explain to anyone why I was crying...I was able to get away to my room for a minute and a couple people checked on me and tried to totally would have worked if my students hadn't already seen me crying and started wondering why "I looked hot or something" (splotchy face).

I'm sure I could have gotten someone to take the class but I just barreled through with a box of kleenex by my side. One little smarty asked "are you crying because your baby died?" and another admonished him "don't say that! we're not supposed to talk about!" while another student said "you still remember that?"

oh goodness. I answered yes to all their questions but I couldn't address anything they said without completely sobbing so I taught math instead. Number representations in case you're wondering. I was able to casually mention it a couple times today, I don't remember the context now, it's been a day-after-a-good-cry, fuzzy, kind of day.

Dave a had rough "Sammy" day too. (how I refer to days that are really ok except for that big gaping hole where our baby should be.)

he went to pick up Sammy's Christmas ornament. i kinda want to stare at his little handprint for two days straight. a-dorable. Tuesday was 2 months and today is 9 weeks since he was born. Sunday we got a video/slideshow of some taping (is it even called that anymore?) that our Pastor did that night. I recommend videoing to all parents. I didn't remember anything that happened in those short minutes. It makes me very grateful that we were able to plan for pictures and gives me even more respect for those parents who have to remember without pictures or video. I wish we had a camera rolling for all our hours with him.

So yeah. Overall the return to work has been good...and grief, like an angry toddler, continues to demand my attention.


  1. Dear Melissa,

    I am so sorry for your grief and sadness. It is so good to let it out.

    You seem so wise and courageous to me...

    Thank you for sharing!
    Little Sammy waves "hello" from Heaven, where - I am convinved - he has the best place ever, sitting directly next to Jesus.

    Thinking of you in far Germany,
    Valentina´s Auntie Lolo

  2. Greif is so darn sneaky!
    I hope you will consider posting a picture of the ornament.I would just love to see it!
    praying for easier days ahead...

  3. I bet his hands were CUTE... :o)