Thursday, December 16, 2010


i don't know where this pressure comes to feel "normal" or return to "normal". but there it is, fueling the swings between "i can do this!" and "oh. but i just want to hold my baby, why is that too much to ask?"

i've changed without really knowing it. i come through a situation i've faced before realizing i handled it much differently. some times it's for the best, sometimes not. i wish i could give you an example but my mind doesn't always work like that anymore.

i read that to find happiness it helps to have a hobby that requires 100% of your attention. Ha. my capacity to give 100% attention is limited to 1 topic. my baby boy. the rest of me seems to run on some kind of muscle memory. thankgoodness.

"i will forever because you'll forever be
my one true broken heart pieces inside of me
and you forever my baby"
Dave Matthews Band, Baby Blue


  1. so true about the muscle memory! i feel that so often. sometimes I lose track of what I am doing completely...

    ahh, normal. just not happening folks.

    big hugs!

  2. I think, you GIVE us an example, even if you don´t realise (or even if your soul is so exhausted that your mind can not focus on "giving an example").

    In my eyes, for now it is far not the most important thing to give example to anyone. Or to follow the request of other people how you should act and react.

    I think the most important thing is to concentrate on your soul and on your healing. Be selfish, as much as you can.

    I am afraid, I cannot find the right vocabulary to explain, what I want.

    Your little Sammy will never be forgotten.
    Auntie Lolo (Berlin, Germany)

  3. Melissa, That is one thing about losing a loved one that will always puzzle me. Normal? What is "normal" about losing a baby or a loved one?
    Yes death is part of life, but when life barely begins or hasn't even had a chance to be part of your life, how can you get back to normal? Your life has been forever changed by loving someone and then losing them! I guess then you have to find a NEW kind of normal that includes the pain that you have now experienced!
    You will carry Sammy's memory with you for the rest of your life! You will miss him for rest of your life and ache for him for the rest of your life. I am not trying to sound negative, I am just being real.
    The loss of a baby or child is something you can never get over. Yes the pain subsides as the years go on and sometimes you will catch yourself laughing or not thinking about your loss. Don't feel guilty, or feel as though you are not honoring their memory. I felt guilty for even wanting another baby after Desi went to be with Jesus. But you know what, I LOVE Gabriella more and cherish her more because of my loss!!!
    It is hard to explain. Grief, as you know, will come in waves. It is like riding on an emotional rollercoaster. Don't fight it, just roll with it. Some of the best songs and writings come out of times of grief. Being open and honest and being REAL brings healing. The scar will be there as a reminder, but the wound will heal.
    I think True Happiness comes from loving and being loved! Thank Jesus that He loves us even when we are going through some of the worst times of our life! He loves you, Melissa and knows the longing in your heart for Sammy!
    Please know that my prayers are with you during these months. Remember that God is forever faithful!!
    God bless,

  4. I'm lost for words for you... I want to say something that will make you feel better...I know there is no such thing. I am having the same struggle with "normal" especially as Christmas approaches, which was Rachel's due date. I'm not sure I was normal before, but I am certainly not normal now...and I wouldn't want to be. Although it seems the rest of the world thinks we should somehow be able to find that "balance" I'm not sure it exsits. I think of you every day and talk of Sammy almost daily as well. He will forever be in my heart - and my heart will forever be changed because of him. For that, I am grateful and willing to never go back to "normal". Our babies have made me a better person. Thank you for carrying Sammy and for sharing him with all of us. love you, Stacy