a struggle, a battle, life is a teeter totter

The Only Exception by Paramore (thought of Sammy when I heard this on Pandora today)

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it.

And my momma swore
that she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

But darling,
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

Maybe I know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways
to make it alone.
Or keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I've sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness.

*******

During my melancholy moments, that ^ up there is how I feel.

But honestly, I do believe that I have found a peace that plows on through the storm...a joy that jumps over my sadness, a love that lights up every room (thank you Kim Walker for articulating that).

1 John 3:16-18

16 By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. 17 But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? 18 Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

******

And it is all so hard to reconcile. The ache of love for my child and the commission to love those around me. Truly love...not just with words or platitudes but with action. Love with patience (says the kindergarten teacher). Love with kindness. Love with forgiveness. Love. *I* would rather hide it all away in my heart so that *I* don't have to hurt or be disappointed when the love *I* give is not returned. Maybe it's not all about me...

What a hypocrite.

Thank you Jesus for loving me even though. Even though...

******

School is going well :-) I don't want to jinx myself but it seems I have another great class this year. Only 15 so far, so 3 more will join us in the next few days. Wanna squeeze them all, I'm having a hard time being stern...