it's all a matter of perspective really

last weekend as I prayed I felt *led* (or whatever) to ask God to prepare my heart. or when I prayed, that's what was coming out, prepare my heart.

prepare my heart.

I spent this week preparing my heart for more of the worst. this last year and a half have been *rough*. full of the unexpected. so I took that prayer to mean I needed to prepare for more of the that. how does one prepare? well, my first grown up job was rough, 3 years of teaching at a school where anything could happen at any moment...I don't want to go too into it but a crazy glimpse for you? getting ready to go on a field trip to see a show (that in itself hurts my feelings) with 60 four year olds and 50 five year olds...ooooh, fire drill, seriously? wait, it's not a drill, someone started a fire on the other side of campus and we're not allowed to go back in. thankfully it was not my first day *smile* so I had all the $$ and permission slips, the buses showed up and we left for our field trip from where we had been standing on the street.

all that to say, at work, most days, I can handle almost anything. so this week I spent time preparing my *mind* for how to handle more of the worst. my counselor just shook her head when I told her my plan. "That's not very realistic." Ha. I assured her my emotions would follow in a normal fashion but I think it's ok to prepare with an unrealistic initial response. laugh or cry, I choose laughing. crying will always come.

Sometime last weekend it occurred to me that my prayer was "Lord, prepare my heart". Not "melissa, prepare your mind". While I think it was good that I planned, I don't think that was God's point.

I would rather build a protective shelter around my heart, hide it in a cave with a big ol' stone in front of the opening...pick and choose who gets to see it, hold it, who gets in. I feel a constant reminder to let it go, keep it from getting brittle from lack of nutrition, or under developed from lack of use. For me, this boils down to trusting God. Trusting that he is big enough to heal my heart every time it gets hurt. Trusting God to lead me to give my heart to help myself and others, not just on a whim. Trusting God that He will get the glory. Trusting God that this is only the beginning of forever.

If this is the beginning of forever...

she is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come

proverbs 31:25

there is no fear in love

1 John 4:18