a struggle, a battle, life is a teeter totter

The Only Exception by Paramore (thought of Sammy when I heard this on Pandora today)

When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it.

And my momma swore
that she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

But darling,
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

Maybe I know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways
to make it alone.
Or keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I've sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness.

*******

During my melancholy moments, that ^ up there is how I feel.

But honestly, I do believe that I have found a peace that plows on through the storm...a joy that jumps over my sadness, a love that lights up every room (thank you Kim Walker for articulating that).

1 John 3:16-18

16 By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. 17 But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? 18 Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

******

And it is all so hard to reconcile. The ache of love for my child and the commission to love those around me. Truly love...not just with words or platitudes but with action. Love with patience (says the kindergarten teacher). Love with kindness. Love with forgiveness. Love. *I* would rather hide it all away in my heart so that *I* don't have to hurt or be disappointed when the love *I* give is not returned. Maybe it's not all about me...

What a hypocrite.

Thank you Jesus for loving me even though. Even though...

******

School is going well :-) I don't want to jinx myself but it seems I have another great class this year. Only 15 so far, so 3 more will join us in the next few days. Wanna squeeze them all, I'm having a hard time being stern...

10 months...

So I'm a day late this time. I've dropped off the face of the earth a little bit but for good reason this time. We moved on Saturday! (no internet for a while!) And today was the first day of school! Poor planning you say? I agree. But sometimes life just works out that way.

Today was one of the best 1st days in my history of 1st days. I got a thank you note from Laura from String of Pearls and with it a copy of my favorite book One Thousand Gifts and a GENIUS striped notebook for me to start my own list of 1000 things to be grateful for. I left it out today at work so that I would remember to be grateful when I saw it. It worked.

I'm really excited about our new house! It's about twice as big as the last place we lived in and the kitchen! If I made cooking and baking work in that little thing I used to have, I can't wait to see what I can whip up in the new huge one.

10 months was a numb marker for me. Maybe because of the rest of my life craziness...maybe because I had nursery duty and got to hold baby P for a good bit before church...I just love babies. So much. And it's a whole different kind of weird to realize you've been through all the *through* that one needs to go through and should have one...I have always loved babies and now have to get over what I think other people are thinking. Like yesterday I just assumed I was getting the "oh, poor her, loves holding babies and her's died" look. *rolling eyes* I gotta get over this thinking about what other people are thinking junk.

I miss you Sammy. I wish I was watching you crawl after the dogs and keeping you from chewin' on their toys.

time didn't stop...

...but it kinda did? I realized today that I haven't stepped outside the house since Saturday and that doesn't really bother me but on some level it does. I swear I will write out the story of what happened soon. I've spent a lot of time emailing back and forth with some dear women who are destined to be life long friends. We are all wading these waters of carrying a baby with anencephaly as long as the Lord allows us and I know I enjoy talking about my experiences and hearing about all that they are feeling and doing as well.

I talked with my dad tonight and told him that I kinda feel like I'm doing "too good". Someone who's baby just died 5 days shouldn't be able to function as well as I am. And I guess my only criteria for thinking I'm functioning well is that fact that I'm not crying nonstop (I mean didn't I just say I haven't left the house for 4 days?). I definitely have teary spells...Saturday morning when I woke up everywhere I looked was a reminder that I wasn't pregnant anymore and I didn't have a baby home with me either. It hurt to look at my maternity clothes, it hurt to be able to sleep and roll over *without* hurting (does that make sense?). Yesterday when it looked like we wouldn't be able to make our casts of Sammy's foot because the molds were shrinking and cracking - it immediately brought tears to my eyes and felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. We were able to make the 3-d casts and they are adorable.

The Lord is so faithful and His timing is so perfect. We've had people bring supper each night since Saturday. Tonight when Melissa (my pregnancy shoot photographer) brought supper she also spent some time praying with me and encouraging me. I couldn't say much in response to anything she said because I was so close to tears. She and I had just looked through some of our Sammy photo's, I missed my nap today (lol), and was just having a tough moment. She prayed and it helped restored peace to my soul.

We got ready to eat the food she brought...chicken! My first chicken in months, it was going to be a test, did Sammy ruin my ability to eat chicken forever or not? I put some on my plate and cut the first bite. Dave's phone rang and I could tell immediately it was a call about Sammy. My first thought was it was LOPA and something was wrong with his valves and they wouldn't be used (I put my fork down). Turns out it was the funeral home, his "remains" (I don't know why I have to put that in quotes, makes it seem less harsh to me or something) are ready for pick up. That just hurts. My rolly polly, soft and squishy baby is "remains". We hugged and cried for a bit...then I looked down at my plate and saw the bite of chicken that I had literally cut and put on my fork the second BEFORE the phone rang.

People, Sammy is *still* trying to stop me from eating chicken. :-) This boy will not stop and I love him even more for it. A lot of mama's have different things that remind them of their babies that are gone, things like butterflies, rainbows, or beautiful trees. My baby is keeping his legacy rolling with chicken. Seriously. SMH I will *not* start collecting chicken statues or chicken pictures though - promise.

Random other info - within 24 hours of having Sammy it seems my crazy pregnancy signs went away. Everything I ate tasted the way it was supposed. My toothpaste doesn't make me nauseous and my back teeth on the top are quite happy to be included each time I brush :-) I feel very fortunate...as soon as I noticed my milk was coming in we bound me up with an ace bandage and so far I am not in much pain. I would say almost no pain...I haven't had to use ice packs or anything. And I love my crazy shaped body. Honestly it's weird to say I love my body. But right now it's proof that I carried and grew a baby. I love it.

You know what else I love? My pit crew. I feel like some kind of race car (albeit a really slow, basically non-moving race car) and there is a team of people keeping me running. Dave and my mom are such an incredible blessing right now. They have lotsa time to rest with me but I feel incredibly spoiled by the great care they are giving me. And I don't want them to ever leave but I'm pretty sure they'll have to at some point.

So that's kinda how things are now. I feel like I'm doing too good, but I haven't left the house in 4ish days. Time is almost non-existant. I sleep, I correspond with friends online and share pictures of Sammy with anyone and everyone that I know.

I have loved having people stop by to see pictures or visit. I'm a little surprised, I don't usually get energy from being around others but right now I totally am. We average a group of visitors a day (ranging from 1 to 4 people) and that seems to be a perfect rate. Thank you for all the encouragement, prayers, visits and meals. We can feel the love.

*fall bug*

The fall bug hit me today. I came across a website that was advertising all their fall wonderfulness and I had to take part. Immediately. I have a few decorations that I need to get out of my seasonal decor box but I also knew I wanted a fallish table runner.

As I wandered around the stores enjoying the fall candle smells and decor I felt this urgency to take it all in. Then I realized, somehow in my mind, time ends when Sammy is born. He'll be born in early October and there will be plenty of fall and fallness to partake in after that...except in my mind it stops at Sammy's birth.

I just don't want to think about after. It'll come soon enough.