Saturday, January 15, 2011

It's been a busy couple of weeks. <--- What a small stupid sentence that carries what I've been doing inside it...

This week was full of baby news. 2 women I know had their babies and another friend from church announced her pregnancy (woohoo!). And then on Thursday night my mom gave me an update on my niece Isabel. I get almost daily pictures or video's of her new adorable smiles and growing belly - I love it, I love her!


she is such a reminder of all that I am missing out on with Sammy.

I am a snooze button hitter. Well, I have Dave hit his snooze button. So I wasn't shocked when yesterday, between one of the snoozes, I had a dream about Sammy, or at first I thought it was him. The baby in the dream was moving and some point I pushed back the baby's hat and realized the hair was the wrong color (and oh yeah, this baby had a skull) and reality crashed into my dream. I dreamed that I crawled into bed crying because I knew MY Sammy didn't move or cry...and so I woke up crying.

I know this grief and sadness is normal but I also know that Sammy's life was enough. It was just what the Lord intended for his days. I've written this before but it is my heart again, Lord, I know your ways are not my ways, your ways are higher than my ways. But can't you bring me to a little closer (and less painful) acceptance of your ways?

It's getting harder to believe this was a part of my life.


My body is back to normal, no reminder there. Day to day life has resumed its schedule. I hardly think about the "what could/should have beens". Until it sneaks into my dreams I guess.

Psalm 51:15-17
Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

My sacrifice, O God, is a

broken spirit

a broken and contrite heart


will not despise.


  1. I know exactly what you mean. It is so hard not to see other babies and think about what I am missing out on. ((hugs))

  2. We were supposed to go to a "family night" at church on Friday...I thought I'd be fine to go until I got nervous that all the new babies in church would be there (there's quite a few)... we stayed home. My "family" will not ever be complete. It's hard to go to a family night and watch other moms nurse their new babies while mine is in heaven. I don't want to rain on their parade either. It's so hard. sigh.

    I'm praying for you always...going back to "normal" is a hard one, especially since it doesn't really exist. I know you miss him. I'm so sorry.

  3. Babies have been so difficult for me as well.
    Just wanting my baby is so hard. sigh
    Praying for peace for you.