I should be sleeping

Jacob Samuel Lucido

"Jake"

9lbs 6 oz

21 1/2 inches

born at 5:50pm on May 7th

It was a great day. Induction went smoothly, I'm a rockstar pusher *ahem* and he was out in about 4 minutes and 5 pushes.

Y'all I can't stop looking at him. I'll get some more pictures but his little profile looks a lot like Sammy :-) His hair is dark with some lightish, reddish undertones, no ginger baby this time. He latched on at his first and second try - so far he's a nursing champ (hopefully I can keep pace with his champness, nursing hurts!).

We are enamored. In love. Amazed. Blessed.

Thank you Jesus!

39 weeks - The Plan

Well we made it. 39 weeks and most likely just as big, if not bigger than his brother. Last week's health crisis appears to be all related to that awful sunburn.  It's reduced to an itchy, flakey mess and I have no swelling or blood pressure issues. That made this week a bit easier.  Yet it's been an emotional week and I don't tend toward the positive very often so it was no surprise to me that I sat in the waiting room on the edge of tears this afternoon. I'm so ready to be done with pregnancy and to meet this little guy! I've been tired and having contractions randomly for a few weeks but had convinced myself that I'd probably be waiting *one* more week.

Thankfully I was wrong! I don't know what my Dr's deal is. Early in the pregnancy he was concerned about J's potential size considering Sammy's size and the difficulty of his delivery...and somewhere in the middle of the pregnancy it wasn't a concern any more. Literally 3 weeks ago he told me size wasn't *that* big of deal. And then today, he's back to worried about it. "Well, you're still growing, measuring 38cm's, that's usually an 8lb or 9lb baby." uuuuhhhh, yeah? He's been measuring big since his first measurement. SMH - pray with me for a safe delivery? Doctor said he wouldn't promise a vaginal delivery - given Sammy's birth...there are worse things in life than a c-section but I would love to avoid one if at all possible.

We have an induction date! Monday! He asked when would work for us, we said ASAP. The next availability was to go in Sunday night to get things started with a cervix softener pill and then to get things going with pitocin and breaking my bag of waters (I'm guessing) Monday morning. On the phone he said, "One way or another we'll have this baby on Monday".

Monday, May 7th.

Y'all. There were a few May dates that I would have loved to land on. May 1st was a monumental day last year, May 5th is Dave's grandma's birthday, May 12th was diagnosis day for Sammy 2 years ago...and of course the 7th is just always special. Happy 19 months in heaven baby boy! The way it works *down here* is that we give YOU gifts on special days yet it seems that you've been giving us the gifts all along.

ahhhhh! So I am awake at 4am, brain running, running, running, with all the things that *need* to get done in the next 2 days. My mom was debating about when to come in and after putzing around for a couple hours I realized that I would like an extra set of hands to help with some of the final details around here. I'm generally one who needs a deadline in order to complete a task (unless it involves data collection and analysis for my job *shrug*) and this has proven to be the same. I *could* have been working on this stuff all week. So mom comes in tomorrow and is missing her graduation ceremony to get here. (She just finished her counseling degree this spring! So proud of her!)

If you have a moment, say a prayer for us :-) I don't know if I've mentioned the "new-mama" anxiety that I've been feeling. I like to worry in advance *rolling eyes*. It's part of what has made these last couple weeks more difficult. It starts with remembering these days with Sammy, then I reassure myself this time it will be different, and then I feel unprepared and inadequate for the days to come. I recognize it for what it is - some kind of downward spiral of negativity and anxiety but sometimes recognizing it isn't enough to get me out of it.

Alright y'all. Next post should have some *amazing* chubby cheeks and a precious fuzzy head.

yes

"You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between."

It's been a looooooong week waiting...waiting...waiting...and emotions/hormones are running high.

So what do I find myself doing? Reading blogs, remembering, and crying. Not constant crying but definitely a tear a day. You see, I've been here before, waiting for my baby to be born. And the way my body has remembered what shape to take, it seems my emotions have fallen into the path that they took before too. I know that the outcome will be different. At least I have no reason to believe the outcome will be the same. But secretly, it's an intense hope, because anything can happen.

I read this blog entry When you lose a baby and the quote above resonates. It works for baby loss, but it also fits any situation that may have left a bitter seed in your heart.

You can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.

38 weeks - sunburn and bed rest

As if I don't complain enough, I decided to go to the beach and sit with some friends for an afternoon. It was a windy, chilly day and as soon as I noticed a little pink I covered up my legs. Hmmm. Not soon enough.

Now it appears that the sunburn has rammed up next to a high blood pressure issue. I had an ultrasound today to check on the babes size. He looks great! Doing all the right stuff, growing, growing, growing. He's about the size that his brother was at birth...yeah...so no wonder I'm a little uncomfortable a little earlier than I was last time. We got some fantastic pictures :-) Lotsa cheeks!

Anyway - my blood pressure was on the high side. I had a headache yesterday and it returned today...along with nausea and some mighty puffy feet so I have been given instructions for bed rest. Which is where I spent yesterday anyway, couldn't move around much what with my legs on fire. I have tried every natural home remedy to ease the burn. Including mayonnaise slathered on my legs at 5am. Not surprisingly, I'm having a hard time sleeping so let's just say things are a little emotional around here. The insomnia did start before the sunburn occurred but flaming legs doesn't help. It did keep my mind off uncomfortable pregnancy pains. In other news, my nose and my taste buds have gone crazy in these final days.

My appointment was with a specialist today, my OB is out of town this week. I go in for some blood work tomorrow and will check in with my doctor on Monday. Keep us in your prayers please! I wanna meet this boy but on good, healthy terms...

I have spent my late night hours praying and practicing the art of gratitude. Sammy changed my prayers. Whereas I used to pray for what *I* knew was best, I now find myself praying...maybe a bit more biblically? For the Lord's will or what he knows needs to happen. It's interesting.

37 weeks - sad days

Today was my last planned day at work. We have spring break next week and since baby J is being born right before summer break it all kinda works out for me to be off from today until the next school year starts.

"How are you doing today?"

Y'all, it is wildly ironic to me that I spent last spring and summer talking about feelings and how important they are to acknowledge. Because what I've learned since I started counseling in July is that I am really bad at identifying how I'm feeling and spend a lot of time trying not to feel. At least once a week I am forced to answer the question "How are you feeling?" and it has to be a legit answer. Good and ok are not feeling words apparently and don't count as answers. So when I got my mom's text this morning "How are you doing today?" I actually stopped for a moment and thought about it. Until I saw the question I was "fine".

And then I realized I was really quite sad.

Sammy has been on my mind a ton lately, but eeking out in tiny glimpses here and there. I made a cake last night and said it was in honor of my mom and step dad's anniversary and my SIL's birthday. An birthdayversary cake. (They live in Minnesota and Colorado respectively so clearly this was an excuse to chocolate up the house.) When asked for a picture of the cake I had to add some decoration. I thought about adding the words "April is a great month to be born, come on out Baby J!" and that got me thinking about waiting for Sammy and my begging him to come in September....so I added some sprinkley stars to honor Sammy instead. I was too sad last October to make him a birthday cake but I know what I'll do this year!

When my mom asked me how I was doing, I immediately thought of the last time I was headed to school on my last day of work before the baby (Sammy) was born. I remembered getting through the day ok but sobbing as I walked out, knowing it was Sammy's last day at work with me...my last day at work with him. I knew that day I would return the mama of a dead baby. I cried all the way to work today, missing my boy.

I have my days of worry about this baby, but most of the time, I'm just excited. Today was not about worry, it was about being sad and missing Sammy. I almost went crazy that fall break of 2010 waiting for Sammy to be born. I have left myself lots to do next week but I am still nervous about sitting around for a whole week....waiting...

It makes perfect sense to me that this time will bring grief and memories closer to the surface. I guess I just need to do my best to feel it and deal with it.

J is behaving very much like his brother right now. Growing, growing, growing, and too comfortable to come out and play. My body is making little to no progress according to the doctor but I sure am feeling more aches and pains. At this point I'll be happy for an early-May birth instead of a mid-May birth (due date is May 9 or May 11 - depending on which dr you talk to).

I should have more time to write in the next couple weeks so I will try to add some pictures of the nursery and write about all the incredible showers I've had *smile*. Also - my students would be very surprised to see sentences that start with "and" or "because". I've spent a lot of time fussing them for doing just that. Oops.

36 weeks, is it over yet?

Augh.

I realized today that I feel the way I felt my last week with Sammy. That was week 40, I am in week 36. Mostly physically uncomfortable, hunger pains but no where to put food, and in the last couple days I just get to a point where I want to cry because everything hurts and because crying just sounds good. It could be a long few weeks here. I know it'll go fast and all of the sudden I'll be picking him up from his first day at kindergarten...but in this moment it feels like forever.

I had another dream about him last night. So far in my dreams he's always naked. ??? He was big! And then I was out running errands and soooooo happy to have a flatish belly, even if it was a mushy, first couple weeks after birth belly, I could twist and turn and move without pain! These are the things I look forward to :-)

We are *almost* all set for him to come. We ordered the car seat last week, it should be here Tuesday. The essentials in his room are ready, decor needs to be put up on his walls...my mom is making him a quilt, crib skirt, and changing pad covers! They are almost finished and will put a finishing touch on all that.

I'm going to try cloth diapering! My friend Jessie gave me a bunch of her daughters left over disposable size 1's and rumor has it the hospital sends some home with you too so we should be able to get through a few days and give the cloth diapers a try. I'm drawn to the hybrids, meaning you can use a cloth insert *or* a disposable insert. I like the versatility, sometimes cloth is not convenient but it can save money. We have a local store here that sells 'used' cloth diapers (sounds gross but I promise the ones I'm using don't have any parts that have touched another baby bottom, it's just the used cover that I bought) as well as new ones and I was able to buy a couple trial diapers for $5 each instead of the usual $17 each. They are seriously the most adorable, soft diapers you have ever seen. Just wait. Whether I stick with it or not I will have some dang cute pictures of baby J with his little cloth diapered butt in the air.

I think we've settled on his name but I'm reserving my last 1% of confirmation until I see his sweet face.

We're ready buddy, come on out and play!