Friday, April 20, 2012

37 weeks - sad days

Today was my last planned day at work. We have spring break next week and since baby J is being born right before summer break it all kinda works out for me to be off from today until the next school year starts.

"How are you doing today?"

Y'all, it is wildly ironic to me that I spent last spring and summer talking about feelings and how important they are to acknowledge. Because what I've learned since I started counseling in July is that I am really bad at identifying how I'm feeling and spend a lot of time trying not to feel. At least once a week I am forced to answer the question "How are you feeling?" and it has to be a legit answer. Good and ok are not feeling words apparently and don't count as answers. So when I got my mom's text this morning "How are you doing today?" I actually stopped for a moment and thought about it. Until I saw the question I was "fine".

And then I realized I was really quite sad.

Sammy has been on my mind a ton lately, but eeking out in tiny glimpses here and there. I made a cake last night and said it was in honor of my mom and step dad's anniversary and my SIL's birthday. An birthdayversary cake. (They live in Minnesota and Colorado respectively so clearly this was an excuse to chocolate up the house.) When asked for a picture of the cake I had to add some decoration. I thought about adding the words "April is a great month to be born, come on out Baby J!" and that got me thinking about waiting for Sammy and my begging him to come in I added some sprinkley stars to honor Sammy instead. I was too sad last October to make him a birthday cake but I know what I'll do this year!

When my mom asked me how I was doing, I immediately thought of the last time I was headed to school on my last day of work before the baby (Sammy) was born. I remembered getting through the day ok but sobbing as I walked out, knowing it was Sammy's last day at work with last day at work with him. I knew that day I would return the mama of a dead baby. I cried all the way to work today, missing my boy.

I have my days of worry about this baby, but most of the time, I'm just excited. Today was not about worry, it was about being sad and missing Sammy. I almost went crazy that fall break of 2010 waiting for Sammy to be born. I have left myself lots to do next week but I am still nervous about sitting around for a whole week....waiting...

It makes perfect sense to me that this time will bring grief and memories closer to the surface. I guess I just need to do my best to feel it and deal with it.

J is behaving very much like his brother right now. Growing, growing, growing, and too comfortable to come out and play. My body is making little to no progress according to the doctor but I sure am feeling more aches and pains. At this point I'll be happy for an early-May birth instead of a mid-May birth (due date is May 9 or May 11 - depending on which dr you talk to).

I should have more time to write in the next couple weeks so I will try to add some pictures of the nursery and write about all the incredible showers I've had *smile*. Also - my students would be very surprised to see sentences that start with "and" or "because". I've spent a lot of time fussing them for doing just that. Oops.

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