Saturday, September 24, 2011

it'll sneak you

Oct 7 2011

Last weekend I noticed my milk at home had the expiration date of Oct 5 and started thinking about how cool it would be to get something with an expiration date of Oct 7...I figured I missed it with the milk and tucked away that random thought.

Tuesday and Wednesday nights were spent in tears just being sad about Sammy. I haven't cried that *hard* in a long time...maybe once since Sammy was born and only a few times right after the diagnosis. And I just let myself do it, hoping it would get out of my system or something.

Friday morning, my co-worker and I were standing in the cafeteria drinking milk and I noticed the date. Oct 7 2011.

me: "awww" - pointing to the date
JM: blank stare
me: "that's sammy's birthday, I'm tearing up" pointing to my eyes
JM: eyes widen

I tried hard to just feel through it, wiped tears as I collected the students trash, getting quizzical looks from a few of them. And then all of the sudden I couldn't stop. My kiddo's went with another teacher for a few minutes while I went and cried in the corner of my classroom until the absurdity of the tears made me laugh. SMH the expiration date made me sob.


I'm thankful for those who have shared their experiences before me so I'm a little less likely to feel bad about this sudden resurgence of grief. 12 months is a hard milestone to pass. I don't know what to do for his birthday. Last year, straight home from the hospital, I started thinking about what we would do to celebrate. This year, I dunno. Nothing seems big enough or small enough.

grief, it'll sneak you.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


Amos' birthday today. He's in Heaven with my Sammy. He would have been 4 today. I am remembering last year...crying and wondering what it would be like to have witnessed my baby's passing...and then the passing of his birthday...not just once but 3 times? It's amazing how quickly the heart can go back to such a raw place.

I find myself thinking of the oddest moments. The other day when I was laying on my stomach I thought about that first crawl into bed the day after Sammy was born, when I finally laid down to get some sleep. I could lay on my tummy and only needed 2 pillows! And then I remembered waking up. So distraught and so disappointed.

I read Stacy's blog and can totally relate. It's shocking to see the newborn babies around me reach milestones. I can't help but wonder about Sammy's every time. What would his first smiles and giggles have been like? How big would he be? What would that red hair be doing? It really shouldn't surprise me anymore but it always does when those thoughts burst into the forefront of my mind, seemingly out of nowhere.

Happy Birthday Amos. You'll always be apart of my fall 'memberies.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

this is how it goes

Life seems to have settled into a routine. work, sleep, repeat, spend the weekend cleaning and getting settled. This week that was interrupted a bit when I became fixated on my dining room. This is what it looks like right now.

Empty. And I am in the process of planning what I want it to look like. For the longest time I didn't think we needed a dining room, we were gonna have 2 sitting rooms, but then last Sunday we had people over and our 4 chairs didn't fit everyone. The thought of a regular dining set from the furniture store is NOT exciting to me. Plus the cost. Booo. And then! It came to me. Thrift stores. Antique stores. Mismatched chairs. Comfort. Color.

I cannot WAIT to get this dining room put together. We have space, it's 15x20. I measured. Jodie claims she "failed out of design school" - I think she changed her mind, either way, she's got the skills, I have the half baked vision, FUN.

Anything to keep my mind off last year. (what? where'd that come from?)

Which is interesting because in some other areas of life I am all about "feeling" this week. Feel the pain, feel the feeling, go through it, give it to God, grow. Maybe that's the difference. I don't know how I will grow through feeling the pain of my dead's just always there. Or maybe my brain/self/heart can only feel so much pain and it has to be compartmentalized a bit.

My brain is a mess lately. I mean that in the kindest way. I am living life, doing well, and then at brain won't stop and I'm having all these super clear dreams where I process through life the way I won't let myself during the awake hours. Does that make sense to anyone else?

The dining room, it's gonna be cozy, comfortable, and welcoming. I don't know what I'll put in the buffet that I'm picturing but it will be beautiful. With a big crazy mirror hanging above it...I can't wait to see what treasures New Orleans has for my space.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

11 months

Today I would have been sitting you next to some crazy sign that said 11 months and you probably would have been chewing on it before I could get the picture taken. Or the dogs would have been so excited that you were sitting still that they tried to lick your face off and it would have been a blurry furry, ew-face 11 month picture.

Love you and miss you baby