d-day

Yesterday was d-day. The one year anniversary of diagnosis day. The day started out OK really. I was feeling like myself for the first time in weeks and actually got my table at work cleaned off to its usually level of cleanliness. And then I had to deal with the stupid hospital bill and it all went down hill from there.

I drove home from work thinking about the change that occurred in my life a year ago. The overall memory from that day is sitting in our living room crying the day away. Explaining to a few people on the phone what was going on...and then life was a blur until Memorial Day weekend when we started our cross country tour with Sammy.

This morning I woke up and put the iPod on shuffle. By the time I got to work I was feeling all sad from listening to sad songs - duh. I hadn't told anyone about yesterday being one of "the days" so it was extra surprising to see *2* new flower arrangements on my table when I walked into the classroom! I had received one last week from a co-worker so that made 3 beautiful arrangements. It felt good to have a clean table covered with flowers. My friends had chatted and knew the date was sometime around Mother's Day and just happened to choose today as the day to bring flowers. *smile* Perfect timing and a great start to the day.

I learned something new about myself tonight and it seems counter-intuitive to me. I have always said I'm a "realist" (that's a pessimist code for pessimistic) and tonight I realized that the last year has made me into more of a optimist.

What? Who said that? Are you kidding me? Bad things don't make one an optimist!

For real. I want to buy every wall hanging or piece of art that says something cheesy about happiness or joy. Because ya'll, I will be the first one to tell you that if you are looking for those things to happen in life - they won't. Happiness, joy, contentment are gifts from God that come from a deeper peace. I know who my Savior is and the all encompassing nature of grace, mercy, and love that He bestows on me, not because of anything I have done or deserve, actually in spite of everything I've done.

I am more joyfully embracing the past because I am beginning to see the effects it has had on me. Thank you Jesus for guarding my heart and providing me with an amazing support system in my family, friends, church, and coworkers.

I am not perfect. *haha* This has been the crankiest week I've had in a long time, mingled with lots of sad, and a little pity every now and then for good measure. But tonight I can say, once again and completely honestly, that I am a better person because of all the ish that I am walking through.

And when I am heavenly minded (forever! in Heaven!), these troubles *do* seem light and momentary...