6 months!

So - my picture taking skills have been lacking but they are in swift need of a step up if I'm going to capture this dude.

Here's our attempt at the six month picture. 'gator and Jake are really into the paper. Most of the pix were a blur of hand and paper waving or baby rolling around. SMH

Here's his cute self a couple days later...in front of some natural light because I don't have the skills to fake good light yet. Or to use the light I'm given. Whatever. 

Six months (and 1 week): 

*stats to come*

*can sit up, tips when tired or reaching for something 

*has thrown about a fit a day for the last 4 days...we think he's just testing out the voice 

*no teeth, just some bumpy gums, bottom middle

*eats a couple meals a day, by meal I mean 4 oz's of some mashed up veg/fruit and the rest BM with a little formula thrown in when he's at school (daycare - not sure why I call it school but I do)

*still mainly BF'ing, he went through a couple weeks with the nickname baby barracuda, things were apparently not happening fast enough? Not sure, it was rough, thought it was becoming the end but here we are still feeding away

*sleeps through the night consistently on school days, not so much when he's been home with mom or dad

*has been found on his tummy after sleeping

*inconsistent napper - he takes them, it's just not that predictable

*does this thing where he gets his left foot all stuck in the right leg hole when he's fussing in his bed, which causes him to fuss more. non-footie jams seem to help with this, unfortch, we currently only have 2 pair of footless jams...time to start cutting some footies off (the jams)

*loves bath time

*loves the puppies, giggles if he catches a tail or ear, loves to watch them

*thinks mama is *so so * funny when she mimics his shrieks and shouts, this is new for sure because I've been mimicking him since he started making noises

*still loooooooves being out and around other people

*has uttered some dadadada, mamama, gagaga, heard a yoooouuu today

*thinks sneezes are the funniest and fake coughs to get mama's attention. there was a short window of time where he would start coughing when I walked into a room and then open his mouth with his little tongue sticking out and fuss. it wasn't cute (it was kinda cute)

*loves the books Chicka Chicka Boom Boom and Babies First Words

*occasionally takes "bites" out of mama's cheek, sometimes dad's...haven't seen him do it to anyone else yet, could be giving kisses, all I know is it's an open mouth and quite slobbery

Lotsa new babies around - makes 6 months seem so grown up. I'm still trying to soak up every moment and enjoy all the little junk because it's already going so fast. 

how many times does busy work as the excuse?

CHEEKS! 

Shout out to my Grandma's doily on the table in the back. Who uses doily's? Me!

I really do love books. Especially ones that talk to me and ones that my mama reads in a crazy voice. 

we're so busy!

celebrating big bro's bday (closest to a 5mo pic we got this month) 

supervising pumpkin carving

mama was there too!

visiting with Boppa and Great Grandpa

...bathing in the sink after the poo'splosion.
learning that hands can splash! what fun!

playing with Nana's new toys...
...pooing on Nana's new toys...

And! And! Eating "solid" food!
Dr recommended, Mama's not ready, baby boy enjoyed. 

happy birthday my forever baby

Confess, your kiss still knocks me off my legs.The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chestand I will forever, ‘cause you’ll forever bemy one true broken heart, pieces inside of me 
and you’ll forever, my baby be.
You will rest your head, your strength once saving.And when you wake you will fly away,holding tight to the legs of all your angels.Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,your blue, blue world, you're my baby blue.
Confess I'm not quite ready to be left.Still, I know I gave my level best.You give, you give, to this I can attestYou made me, you made me.You and me forever, baby.

DMB - Baby Blue

seamless

took me a minute to think of a title to that *kind of* describes my heart, my mind, my grief, my love and missingness for my 1st baby boy. 

the weather broke. just the same way it has for the last two years. october 1st means cool. It also means the final decent into his birthday. 

saturday i cried thinking about planning a second birthday party. considered having one at the zoo anyway - only we would know that the birthday boy isn't actually *at* the party. i think i'm going to do mini rainbow cupcakes regardless of what we do. 

sunday during the saints game we chatted about next week's game and i hesitated to plan the game time hangout at our house. couldn't figure out why but i just didn't commit. then it hit me - 2nd birthday. i'm really not much of a party person. we grew up having family birthday parties and in middle and high school did more friend parties...but it also seems weird to do nothing. especially with all the brain time i've committed to october 7th anyway. 

the cooking/baking has continued. combined and tweaked a couple chicken enchilada recipes, tried a mexican sweet corn cake recipe, 2 kinds of bread and a batch of cookies last weekend. the cookies have been my sorry-i'm-late gifts to my team at work when i roll in a little late these last couple days.

 it's just hard this time of year. 

thrift store jammies...didn't notice the words on the feet til we got home

finding Sammy

y'all. 

I shouldn't be surprised anymore. Sammy is so deeply imbedded in my entire being. Last week I was tired. More tired than the standard, I-have-an-infant-that-doesn't-sleep-through-the-night tired. Thursday to Saturday Dave couldn't do *anything* right. 

Memories and remembering are all about 2 years ago...those final weeks. 

Saturday I figured it out. Hey - I'm sad my baby died 2 years ago. That happened! And it is still sad! So instead of letting it subconsciously warp me, I decided to embrace and acknowledge it. This looks like tears and baking 16 mini loaves of bread. My usual coping mechanism would be shopping (case in point, last year's *need* for a dining room table) but I cannot afford that this year. So shopping for baking ingredients will have to do. 

There are obvious triggers...and more subtle ones. Obviously watching Isabel with Oakley makes me think of how Sammy would be interacting with Jake. More subtly, baking zucchini bread makes me think of this grief process. 

Grief over the years is like the zucchini in the bread. 

2010

There it is! Grief Zucchini! Can't mistake that! 

2011
Mmm, yeah, that's grief zucchini all mixed up with the rest of life ingredients.

2012 - until??

Here we are...lookin' like delicious chocolate sweet bread...what's that? 

Grief the hidden ingredient that still flavors the whole loaf.