Friday, December 14, 2012

seven months

19lbs 7.5oz
27 1/4 inches

Loves: "da da da da" (not an official first word but his most favorite utterances lately. "ga" is right up there too), dad and mama, the pups, mama's milk, pureed mango, banana yogurt? even though it's cold?, going to bed at night, playing peek-a-boo, his stacking cups, baths, shoes, when daddy plays piano, when mama sings (she's silly), being tickled on the tummy or under the arms or on his chunky turkey thighs, those Varela girls, those Lawdermilk girls (there is a serious lack of little boys in our close circle of friends), his school friends and caregivers

Likes: the bumbo, squeezy pouch food, squash, sweet potatoes, banana, mum mum rice rusks, his fancy new tooth! bottom (his) left

Tolerates: being placed on his tummy - since he can roll onto his back whenever he's over it, avocado, getting lotion put on, the camera in his face 

FUSSES: if you take a straw away in a restaurant, after shots, cold milk/formula, cold food, when mama cleans his crusty morning nose, when mama wipes his face 

Excited to: meet his cousin Oakley! and see that crazy Isabel again, meet his daddy's sister and her family, see all the family and have a first Christmas, see snow!, start crawling

Thursday, December 13, 2012

they never said

I like to be prepared. My mom found a blog for me in the summer of 2010 that belonged to a teacher who had started at a new school and while getting ready to have a baby that would not survive outside of the womb. I emailed a bit with the author and asked for advice and counsel on how she had handled it all. It was helpful.

This year I am working as an Interventionist. I pull small groups from their classrooms and work with them on skills that they need reinforced. I work with first, second, and third graders. This year's third graders are my first graders from 2010-2011 school year. Follow me? More than once it has come up that I had a baby that died that year. *smile* Maybe this is a new stage, or an it's-been-a-while stage, or maybe it's just where I'm at with all this lately but it really doesn't sting the way I would have thought it would...or the way I think it should? *shrug* It's nice to have acknowledgement of my first boy. It gives me an opportunity to talk with kiddos about our response to uncomfortable topics (as they chastise one another for laughing/smiling) and the appropriate time to talk about them (not in the middle of a small group lesson).  

They never said the kiddos would fondly remember when everyone else would rather forget. 

I saw a woman this week that I knew in the fall of 2010. She had her baby in the winter of 2011 so we were pregnant at the same time. I had seen her since, after her maternity leave, but her baby left at home with a sitter, not in an urn. I saw her in a classroom interviewing a teacher. As she walked up to me a few minutes later, I noticed the bump. 

They never said after 2 years of seeing pregnant women, new babies, and babies the age of your angel that the sight of a *certain* pregnant woman would take you right back. 

When I went to my yearly dr appt with Dr v, he announced that he was leaving the baby business. I nodded in understanding and murmured my appreciation for his work in my life and then started crying. 
Y'all, I totally took for granted how amazing it was to have him as my doctor for the pregnancy with Jake. He's never wanted to get into any of the mental aspect of the emotions that I've shown...that is to say, when I cry he pats my arm or hand and rambles on about something kind of, but not really related to the real reason I'm crying, as he exits the room. But I didn't have to explain anything. He used his first hand knowledge to make decisions. I am going to miss him should there ever be a #3. 

They never said the grief would be ripped open when Sammy's doctor, one of the few people to hear his heartbeat and feel his weight, made his exit from our life.

Friday, December 7, 2012


7 months! 
time to take up an instrument
his caregiver at school asked me to bring in a cup

a cup! 
not my *baby*
ooooh maaaaaaan