Saturday, March 10, 2012

happens to the best of us

I tried my hardest to keep it together, but after about 12 hours of only a few gentle pokes I just needed some piece of mind.

Thursday morning I woke up and realized that the usual dance party in my belly that happens between 5:30am-7am had not happened. I drank some orange juice and waited for a few minutes...felt a couple gentle pokes and moved on with my busy day. I just knew that after breakfast he'd perk up...and then I just knew that after lunch he'd perk up...or maybe if I have a little bit of candy in the afternoon...

I wasn't satisfied with the gentle pokes so after work we went up to Labor and Delivery for a non-stress test. Baby is fine, but it was like being hooked up to those monitors my body just knew what to do and started contracting. Nothing major, I could feel the tightness and it wasn't painful. Doctor said to HYDRATE - make sure I was getting enough water. No restrictions.

Yesterday I woke up to the usual dance party and lots of body parts poking out on either side of my belly.

I didn't want to be that overreacting, too worried mama, but I was. I told one person at work Thursday how I was feeling with the disclaimer "Lightening doesn't strike twice does it?" Unfortunately, I know better and even saying it made me nervous. Did I ever mention about the time I joked with friends on May 11, 2010 that my baby probably had half a brain? Only to find out on May 12, 2010 that my baby did, indeed, have only half a brain?

I don't like this baggage but it's not going anywhere soon.


In other pregnant-after-a-baby-loss-news, I have had the opportunity to talk about Sammy a few times this week. I was at a training Monday and Tuesday and met some new people on Friday so I was asked The Question. "Is this your first?" Even the time I gave a half answer "first living child", it came up again so I got to explain. It's a strange feeling, wishing someone here but yet glad to have a chance to mention his existence. Feeling like half-a-mom having been through pregnancy and child birth but not having experienced the exhaustion of a newborn or a toddler.

Yup. I loved talking about my Sammy this week.