Saturday, March 10, 2012

happens to the best of us

I tried my hardest to keep it together, but after about 12 hours of only a few gentle pokes I just needed some piece of mind.

Thursday morning I woke up and realized that the usual dance party in my belly that happens between 5:30am-7am had not happened. I drank some orange juice and waited for a few minutes...felt a couple gentle pokes and moved on with my busy day. I just knew that after breakfast he'd perk up...and then I just knew that after lunch he'd perk up...or maybe if I have a little bit of candy in the afternoon...

I wasn't satisfied with the gentle pokes so after work we went up to Labor and Delivery for a non-stress test. Baby is fine, but it was like being hooked up to those monitors my body just knew what to do and started contracting. Nothing major, I could feel the tightness and it wasn't painful. Doctor said to HYDRATE - make sure I was getting enough water. No restrictions.

Yesterday I woke up to the usual dance party and lots of body parts poking out on either side of my belly.

I didn't want to be that overreacting, too worried mama, but I was. I told one person at work Thursday how I was feeling with the disclaimer "Lightening doesn't strike twice does it?" Unfortunately, I know better and even saying it made me nervous. Did I ever mention about the time I joked with friends on May 11, 2010 that my baby probably had half a brain? Only to find out on May 12, 2010 that my baby did, indeed, have only half a brain?

I don't like this baggage but it's not going anywhere soon.


In other pregnant-after-a-baby-loss-news, I have had the opportunity to talk about Sammy a few times this week. I was at a training Monday and Tuesday and met some new people on Friday so I was asked The Question. "Is this your first?" Even the time I gave a half answer "first living child", it came up again so I got to explain. It's a strange feeling, wishing someone here but yet glad to have a chance to mention his existence. Feeling like half-a-mom having been through pregnancy and child birth but not having experienced the exhaustion of a newborn or a toddler.

Yup. I loved talking about my Sammy this week.


  1. I remember I got more nervous toward the end and I did end up going in once b/c I hadn't felt her move for 5 hrs.

  2. I battled fear in my pregnancy with Gabriella! Especially when I got close to 32 weeks of pregnancy with her! I was considered high risk so they were keeping an eye on her, so that was nice reassurance! I love the fact that at three years old now she asks about baby Desi and even woke up crying in the morning because she misses him and wants him to come back! (She never even has seen him except in pictures)
    It will be nice when you can tell Baby J all about his brother Sammy, but even better when he will start talking about him too! It is a great chance to teach them about heaven and what heaven is like! :)

  3. Talk about awkward. People ask me how many kids, and I feel like I have to give them a life story. But Briar deserves to be talked about. So does Eli, in Africa...who is legally our child...but we can't bring home yet. We are total head cases when we try to explain our lives to people :) SO happy for your little man!!