Thursday, January 26, 2012

watermelon airheads and chocolate milk

These are not items that I *wanted* to consume at 2am this morning but when your fridge is as jumbled as mine, that's you get when you're looking for a sugar rush.

I feel this little dude kicking, turning, and moving around pretty often. And I know too many people with sad stories...so when I woke up at 2am and realized I hadn't felt him since approximately 7:30pm I started to get worried. I tried to stay calm but my mind just ran away with worst case scenario's.

So I found myself in the kitchen at 2am looking for sugar. Watermelon Airheads and chocolate milk where what I found...it's what I ate as I named my baby, wondered how I could return to my job again being "that lady" who has lost 2 babies, felt sad about the planning we've done (the few items we have and the registry that is started), and poked my belly which just felt squishy and fat.

I went back to bed and laid on my back. Within a couple minutes he thumped, I was relieved, and now wide awake from worry and sugar. After breakfast this morning, he was a busy little guy, probably thanking me for the midnight snack.

*sigh*

The worry. I don't like it. But I'm the girl who's faced a couple years of "that won't happen to ME" situations. Why should 2012 be any different?

I find myself trying to balance it all. Feel my feelings AND keep a level head. Hope but not *too* much (so if the hopes are dashed it doesn't crush me).

It's kind of exhausting.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

2 years ago...

...I woke, peed on a stick, and saw the + sign.

*smile* today I think fondly back to that morning and my time with my 1st boy. Those first two days were full of secret smiles about being pregnant until I spilled to my good friend/coworker. Looking back, life seemed simple. Lots can happen in 2 years.

I'm 24 weeks! And according to bone measurements from our last ultrasound our boy is measuring 1 week ahead. He was still hiding his face so we haven't gotten a good profile picture...only good pictures of his bottom half and his boy parts.

I usually wake up a few times at night and lately I make sure to send up a "thank you" prayer for the good sleep that I am getting. Soon enough I know sleeping will get difficult. I also started banging my belly on stuff last week. Apparently I've grown a bit lately and I am not aware of the space I am taking up these days :-)

Baby boy seems much more active than Sammy was. I thought Sammy moved a lot...not sure that my memory is really something I should rely on at this time though. My mind is fully scrambled from growing this little guy. Just when I've convinced myself I know something (that we need milk at home) it turns out I was wrong (which was a sad waste of 2 trips to the store to get milk). And, fittingly, I can't remember the other mind blanks I've had, but I know they've happened.

Last week was the week of people asking "What are you going to do with the baby when you go back to work in the fall (or late summer)?" So by Saturday I woke up thinking about a whole bunch of unanswered questions and concerns...nerves about little details that won't be worked out for months...cloth diapers? When/how to start pumping for my return to work? It led to a productive and confusing morning spent online looking into some of these details.

As for my tastes - they change with the New Orleans winter weather. At first I didn't desire or have a taste for sweets...yummm. I went through a sunflower seed phase, dill pickle flavor to be precise, and that has ended. When I'm hungry, it's time to eat. This week it's been peanut butter and jelly for breakfast - makes me hungry thinking about it. I've gained 11 pounds so far and really want to slow down the gain. I only gained 15 with Sammy! And I've got 3+ months to go! I'm trying to add some exercise into my schedule but I've self diagnosed "posterior pelvic pain" which can be made worse by standing too long...sitting on a hard chair too long...walking...so that's throwing a wrench in those plans. The pain goes away though so if I walk at the end of the day I should be able to sleep it off by the next morning.

I'm going to try and update more often - especially as we keep preparing the house for baby, hopefully choosing a name, and making all these plans...