Thursday, January 26, 2012

watermelon airheads and chocolate milk

These are not items that I *wanted* to consume at 2am this morning but when your fridge is as jumbled as mine, that's you get when you're looking for a sugar rush.

I feel this little dude kicking, turning, and moving around pretty often. And I know too many people with sad when I woke up at 2am and realized I hadn't felt him since approximately 7:30pm I started to get worried. I tried to stay calm but my mind just ran away with worst case scenario's.

So I found myself in the kitchen at 2am looking for sugar. Watermelon Airheads and chocolate milk where what I's what I ate as I named my baby, wondered how I could return to my job again being "that lady" who has lost 2 babies, felt sad about the planning we've done (the few items we have and the registry that is started), and poked my belly which just felt squishy and fat.

I went back to bed and laid on my back. Within a couple minutes he thumped, I was relieved, and now wide awake from worry and sugar. After breakfast this morning, he was a busy little guy, probably thanking me for the midnight snack.


The worry. I don't like it. But I'm the girl who's faced a couple years of "that won't happen to ME" situations. Why should 2012 be any different?

I find myself trying to balance it all. Feel my feelings AND keep a level head. Hope but not *too* much (so if the hopes are dashed it doesn't crush me).

It's kind of exhausting.


  1. PAL can be hard! Us mommas worry a lot for our babies. We know all too well the things that could go wrong. It's ok to hope more. I don't think it matters how little hope you have it would still feel crushing

  2. I agree with Holly. Really, have you ever been able to stop yourself from hoping? Not that you/we won't stop trying in scary situations. I know you know all the true things about God and all that... you know them way better than I do... so I'll just tell you for the 8 billionth time... I miss you and wish I could be there to experience more of life with you. I want to be neighbors since it would be strange to share a bedroom now that we're both married. Love to you.