daddy's boys

with Sammy 10.7.10

   

with Jake 05.7.12

Daddy's Boy 

by Patsy Gaut

My little eyes are watching,
My ears are listening too.
They take in everything
That you say and do.

My little hands are eager
To do the things you do.
I'm hoping and I'm dreaming
I'll grow up just like you.

I am just a little guy
Who knows that you are wise
You'll teach me what I need
For someone just my size.

I'm a bright eyed little fellow
Who is watching what you do
And I'm waiting for the day
I'll be grown up just like you.

from ann voskamp today

That at the first, at the beginning of everyone that ever was, there is this braving of the pain and no one tells you that this is the way it will always be now– because love is always worth the pain. Just ask any mother — love is a willingness to suffer.

read the rest here a holy experience.

This is the work of a mother — this strange and peculiar joy in letting go of self to make the joy of another large.

babies don't keep

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).



Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo



But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).




The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.


-by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

genetics

i felt safe in her arms and then i saw her face. mama!
(this smile caught by mama during our 1 month photo shoot)

Yesterday it happened. A first genuine smile - it was midmorning, I don't remember many details (fuzzy, sleep deprived brain) but I know that we had been cuddling and then I shifted him in my arms. 

"It's me! Your mama! I've been here the whole time!" 

And then the smile. 

I didn't see much of it because my eyes filled with tears. 

*smile* 

I could blame the fuzzy, sleep deprived brain but my first thought was of my grandma Dorothy, my uncle Steve, and a host of other family members that have been known to cry at any given important, memorable moment. Looks like we have another cryer on our hands (me).

*one* month

Jake is one month old today...and it's been 20 months since we said hello, good bye to Sammy.

At one month Jake:

*weighs 10 pounds 13 ounces, is 22 1/2 inches long. He's grown almost 2 pounds and 1 inch in the last 3 weeks.

*has outgrown his newborn sized sleepers and with cloth diapers some of this newborn onesies are a streeeetch

*likes to be swaddled tight to fall asleep...on top of mama or daddy's chest is the prime location

*will happily hangout in the bathroom, listening to the shower and feeling the steam, while someone showers

*loves sitting in the sun

*tolerates the car seat, yet to be convinced the stroller is a good thing

*eats every 2-3 hours, about 3-4 ounces

*has started to adjust to sleeping *at night*, until this week the sunset meant eyes open

*follows sounds and movement around the room

*loves looking at ceiling fans, venetian blinds, and shadows

*smiles occasionally at mom or dad...or the wall or curtains

*has been without his umbilical cord for 4 days and had 2 real baths

*has met 3 out of 5 grandparents

*has decided this week is a good week to be fussy

love and grief

sleepy angel

I started pumping this week. 1. So that I can get a little more sleep 2. So that Dave can be involved in the feeding process. At this point it's only a bottle a day in the morning but we love it! I'm pretty sure that's why he's trying to smile in this picture. 

I started watching a couple new shows on Hulu to pass the time while I nurse Jake. I'm pretty sure these shows are not as funny as they seem but on 2 hours of sleep at 2am everything seems hilarious or makes me want to cry *smile*. I have also been doing some reading and last night came across this quote that made me think, then shake my head, then chuckle at God's attention to detail.

"Whether your losses are little or large, they are real and important. It's all right to mourn the years the locusts are eating in your life...Remember, love is a prerequisite for grief. If you didn't love, you wouldn't really suffer from loss. So your suffering in a time of loss is really evidence of your love, and love is always a good thing."

Apparently this is from a book about cancer, A Journey through Cancer by Emilie Barnes. But this excerpt about grief is fitting for any loss situation. Little or large...losses are real and important. Each day I come face to face with the loss of what I missed out on with Sammy. There are other reasons for grief in my life and those are real and important too. For me, the hard part is acknowledging the losses at times. I beat myself up with "you should be over it" or "dwelling on it won't help anything". But really, a pause to reflect on the loss will take less time than stifling it over and over and over again. 

There's also something about how love is a prereq for grief...and love will get me through this...it's all tangled up together so it can't be bad. Grief is not bad. It just is. 

I will carry this grief and this love forever and that is ok.