genetics

i felt safe in her arms and then i saw her face. mama!
(this smile caught by mama during our 1 month photo shoot)

Yesterday it happened. A first genuine smile - it was midmorning, I don't remember many details (fuzzy, sleep deprived brain) but I know that we had been cuddling and then I shifted him in my arms. 

"It's me! Your mama! I've been here the whole time!" 

And then the smile. 

I didn't see much of it because my eyes filled with tears. 

*smile* 

I could blame the fuzzy, sleep deprived brain but my first thought was of my grandma Dorothy, my uncle Steve, and a host of other family members that have been known to cry at any given important, memorable moment. Looks like we have another cryer on our hands (me).

*one* month

Jake is one month old today...and it's been 20 months since we said hello, good bye to Sammy.

At one month Jake:

*weighs 10 pounds 13 ounces, is 22 1/2 inches long. He's grown almost 2 pounds and 1 inch in the last 3 weeks.

*has outgrown his newborn sized sleepers and with cloth diapers some of this newborn onesies are a streeeetch

*likes to be swaddled tight to fall asleep...on top of mama or daddy's chest is the prime location

*will happily hangout in the bathroom, listening to the shower and feeling the steam, while someone showers

*loves sitting in the sun

*tolerates the car seat, yet to be convinced the stroller is a good thing

*eats every 2-3 hours, about 3-4 ounces

*has started to adjust to sleeping *at night*, until this week the sunset meant eyes open

*follows sounds and movement around the room

*loves looking at ceiling fans, venetian blinds, and shadows

*smiles occasionally at mom or dad...or the wall or curtains

*has been without his umbilical cord for 4 days and had 2 real baths

*has met 3 out of 5 grandparents

*has decided this week is a good week to be fussy

love and grief

sleepy angel

I started pumping this week. 1. So that I can get a little more sleep 2. So that Dave can be involved in the feeding process. At this point it's only a bottle a day in the morning but we love it! I'm pretty sure that's why he's trying to smile in this picture. 

I started watching a couple new shows on Hulu to pass the time while I nurse Jake. I'm pretty sure these shows are not as funny as they seem but on 2 hours of sleep at 2am everything seems hilarious or makes me want to cry *smile*. I have also been doing some reading and last night came across this quote that made me think, then shake my head, then chuckle at God's attention to detail.

"Whether your losses are little or large, they are real and important. It's all right to mourn the years the locusts are eating in your life...Remember, love is a prerequisite for grief. If you didn't love, you wouldn't really suffer from loss. So your suffering in a time of loss is really evidence of your love, and love is always a good thing."

Apparently this is from a book about cancer, A Journey through Cancer by Emilie Barnes. But this excerpt about grief is fitting for any loss situation. Little or large...losses are real and important. Each day I come face to face with the loss of what I missed out on with Sammy. There are other reasons for grief in my life and those are real and important too. For me, the hard part is acknowledging the losses at times. I beat myself up with "you should be over it" or "dwelling on it won't help anything". But really, a pause to reflect on the loss will take less time than stifling it over and over and over again. 

There's also something about how love is a prereq for grief...and love will get me through this...it's all tangled up together so it can't be bad. Grief is not bad. It just is. 

I will carry this grief and this love forever and that is ok. 

15 days

It's been a whirlwind 9 14 15 days. If whirlwinds are made of feeding a baby, changing a baby, consoling a baby, and sleep...in that order. So much to say, I don't know where to start. 

I'm learning myself in a whole new way these days. I am one who loves my 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Who knew I could survive on less? *wink* Not only can I survive, I can keep an infant alive too! I've started to recognize the signs of extreme over tiredness and I think I'm getting better about how I handle it. The first few days it equalled a bit of crying and loads of self doubt. I was scared to take him home from the hospital (even though they weren't doing much to *help*). But my mom was here and I got 1.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep the night before we were discharged so I was able to get a little excited.

The next big hurdle for me was my mom leaving. She's a nurse and was my security blanket. She fed me, while I was feeding Jake, and kept our house looking great while I napped and cuddled my boy. I didn't even realize until after she left that I had to figure out how to fit eating into my schedule since no one was around to bring me food. It's been almost a week and we are still surviving, dare I say, thriving?? *smile*

Enough about me. 

Jake. 

In two weeks it has become obvious that he is growing and developing. My mom pointed out that his initial squeaky, shrieky cries changed to more purposeful cries with in a few days. He starts with a snort now and definitely has a distinctive *wah* to his upset cry. 

In the last couple days he has started seeming more intentional about looking into my eyes when I get up close to him. He has also started loving the Moby wrap...the Maya, and the Ergo actually. Something about being all curled up in a ball on mama's chest calms him down (most of the time). 

Jake loves to be swaddled. Our house is a bit chilly so he is often found swaddled and then wrapped in Sammy's blanket, minky side in. My boy also loves the sun especially sitting in his bouncy seat in a sunny patch.

He has a cranky couple hours each day. He's moved it from 12am to 9pm so we're grateful for that. Once he gets to sleep in the evening he wakes to feed and goes right back to sleep...except last night. I don't know if it was coincidence that I had some urgent prayer requests to lift up or what but he was up every 1 - 1 1/2 hours to nurse.  Prayers were answered and mama was tiiiiiiired today. 

I don't know if I missed it? Or if people never mentioned it...but nursing is not a simple task for me. Jake loves it, eats well, is gaining weight perfectly. See?

12 days old - headed out with daddy for the first time

This is how I spend my days - that is his blanket made by Nana. 

I think of Sammy often. When I was getting all checked in and hooked up for the induction the nurse commented on how quiet we were...I think we were remembering a short 19 months earlier when we had been through all that. It was hard to separate and understand that our outcome was going to be so different. Our first night with Jake I spent some time telling him about his big brother. Dave played some music one our second night in the hospital and unknowingly pulled them from my Sammy playlist. They were calming for Jake...not so much for me in my sleep deprived state.  Right now Sammy's blanket is the perfect size to use as an extra layer of warmth during the night. Jake has his own blanket but it's a bit too big right now.

I know there was more I wanted to say...more I think to write about during the day but it escapes me right now. I'm amazed at how fast the days are going by with the little that I feel like I'm getting done. Regardless, I am focused on enjoying my baby, holding him, loving him, and soaking it all up. 

Mother's Day #2

Mother's Day was one of my saddest and happiest days.

It was yesterday that I realized *how* all those baby loss mama's have the motivation to do something for their baby's after they are gone. From writing books, making and/or selling items in honor of their child, to setting up fundraisers and races, I have been amazed at what some mama's do. I just thought I was different, handling my grief my way, and applauded those other mama's. 

It's not about *how* - it's why. Yesterday I knew I would spend the day caring for Jake, doing for him everything I could to take care of him. It breaks my heart that I can't do anything for Sammy. I got a couple "Happy 1st Mother's Day" messages and that broke my heart too. It wasn't my first Mother's Day. I may have been an unconventional mother, but I was a mother last year too. Some of it is the pregnancy hormones trying to balance themselves and some of it is the process of starting to realize what I missed out on with my 1st baby boy. It was a hard day.

And it was a happy day, cuddling my Jake and being with my mom for the second year in a row on a day for honoring her. 

It was also my first failed attempt to get out of the house. We were all getting ready to head to the grocery store and it took longer than I thought it would.  So the baby needed to eat by the time we were all ready. :-) Flexibility is the name of the game these days. 

Enamored

Is that a little smirk?? Love the bouncey chair!

Lookin' like my big bro. Cheeks!

I will write more soon but it's time to feed a hungry little guy right now. With no previous experience for comparison, things are going just as good as they could be. I can count my hours of sleep this week on 2 hands *smile* and I don't even mind.

Jake is fantastic. I love being his momma.