15 days

It's been a whirlwind 9 14 15 days. If whirlwinds are made of feeding a baby, changing a baby, consoling a baby, and sleep...in that order. So much to say, I don't know where to start. 

I'm learning myself in a whole new way these days. I am one who loves my 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Who knew I could survive on less? *wink* Not only can I survive, I can keep an infant alive too! I've started to recognize the signs of extreme over tiredness and I think I'm getting better about how I handle it. The first few days it equalled a bit of crying and loads of self doubt. I was scared to take him home from the hospital (even though they weren't doing much to *help*). But my mom was here and I got 1.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep the night before we were discharged so I was able to get a little excited.

The next big hurdle for me was my mom leaving. She's a nurse and was my security blanket. She fed me, while I was feeding Jake, and kept our house looking great while I napped and cuddled my boy. I didn't even realize until after she left that I had to figure out how to fit eating into my schedule since no one was around to bring me food. It's been almost a week and we are still surviving, dare I say, thriving?? *smile*

Enough about me. 

Jake. 

In two weeks it has become obvious that he is growing and developing. My mom pointed out that his initial squeaky, shrieky cries changed to more purposeful cries with in a few days. He starts with a snort now and definitely has a distinctive *wah* to his upset cry. 

In the last couple days he has started seeming more intentional about looking into my eyes when I get up close to him. He has also started loving the Moby wrap...the Maya, and the Ergo actually. Something about being all curled up in a ball on mama's chest calms him down (most of the time). 

Jake loves to be swaddled. Our house is a bit chilly so he is often found swaddled and then wrapped in Sammy's blanket, minky side in. My boy also loves the sun especially sitting in his bouncy seat in a sunny patch.

He has a cranky couple hours each day. He's moved it from 12am to 9pm so we're grateful for that. Once he gets to sleep in the evening he wakes to feed and goes right back to sleep...except last night. I don't know if it was coincidence that I had some urgent prayer requests to lift up or what but he was up every 1 - 1 1/2 hours to nurse.  Prayers were answered and mama was tiiiiiiired today. 

I don't know if I missed it? Or if people never mentioned it...but nursing is not a simple task for me. Jake loves it, eats well, is gaining weight perfectly. See?

12 days old - headed out with daddy for the first time

This is how I spend my days - that is his blanket made by Nana. 

I think of Sammy often. When I was getting all checked in and hooked up for the induction the nurse commented on how quiet we were...I think we were remembering a short 19 months earlier when we had been through all that. It was hard to separate and understand that our outcome was going to be so different. Our first night with Jake I spent some time telling him about his big brother. Dave played some music one our second night in the hospital and unknowingly pulled them from my Sammy playlist. They were calming for Jake...not so much for me in my sleep deprived state.  Right now Sammy's blanket is the perfect size to use as an extra layer of warmth during the night. Jake has his own blanket but it's a bit too big right now.

I know there was more I wanted to say...more I think to write about during the day but it escapes me right now. I'm amazed at how fast the days are going by with the little that I feel like I'm getting done. Regardless, I am focused on enjoying my baby, holding him, loving him, and soaking it all up. 

Mother's Day #2

Mother's Day was one of my saddest and happiest days.

It was yesterday that I realized *how* all those baby loss mama's have the motivation to do something for their baby's after they are gone. From writing books, making and/or selling items in honor of their child, to setting up fundraisers and races, I have been amazed at what some mama's do. I just thought I was different, handling my grief my way, and applauded those other mama's. 

It's not about *how* - it's why. Yesterday I knew I would spend the day caring for Jake, doing for him everything I could to take care of him. It breaks my heart that I can't do anything for Sammy. I got a couple "Happy 1st Mother's Day" messages and that broke my heart too. It wasn't my first Mother's Day. I may have been an unconventional mother, but I was a mother last year too. Some of it is the pregnancy hormones trying to balance themselves and some of it is the process of starting to realize what I missed out on with my 1st baby boy. It was a hard day.

And it was a happy day, cuddling my Jake and being with my mom for the second year in a row on a day for honoring her. 

It was also my first failed attempt to get out of the house. We were all getting ready to head to the grocery store and it took longer than I thought it would.  So the baby needed to eat by the time we were all ready. :-) Flexibility is the name of the game these days. 

Enamored

Is that a little smirk?? Love the bouncey chair!

Lookin' like my big bro. Cheeks!

I will write more soon but it's time to feed a hungry little guy right now. With no previous experience for comparison, things are going just as good as they could be. I can count my hours of sleep this week on 2 hands *smile* and I don't even mind.

Jake is fantastic. I love being his momma.

I should be sleeping

Jacob Samuel Lucido

"Jake"

9lbs 6 oz

21 1/2 inches

born at 5:50pm on May 7th

It was a great day. Induction went smoothly, I'm a rockstar pusher *ahem* and he was out in about 4 minutes and 5 pushes.

Y'all I can't stop looking at him. I'll get some more pictures but his little profile looks a lot like Sammy :-) His hair is dark with some lightish, reddish undertones, no ginger baby this time. He latched on at his first and second try - so far he's a nursing champ (hopefully I can keep pace with his champness, nursing hurts!).

We are enamored. In love. Amazed. Blessed.

Thank you Jesus!

39 weeks - The Plan

Well we made it. 39 weeks and most likely just as big, if not bigger than his brother. Last week's health crisis appears to be all related to that awful sunburn.  It's reduced to an itchy, flakey mess and I have no swelling or blood pressure issues. That made this week a bit easier.  Yet it's been an emotional week and I don't tend toward the positive very often so it was no surprise to me that I sat in the waiting room on the edge of tears this afternoon. I'm so ready to be done with pregnancy and to meet this little guy! I've been tired and having contractions randomly for a few weeks but had convinced myself that I'd probably be waiting *one* more week.

Thankfully I was wrong! I don't know what my Dr's deal is. Early in the pregnancy he was concerned about J's potential size considering Sammy's size and the difficulty of his delivery...and somewhere in the middle of the pregnancy it wasn't a concern any more. Literally 3 weeks ago he told me size wasn't *that* big of deal. And then today, he's back to worried about it. "Well, you're still growing, measuring 38cm's, that's usually an 8lb or 9lb baby." uuuuhhhh, yeah? He's been measuring big since his first measurement. SMH - pray with me for a safe delivery? Doctor said he wouldn't promise a vaginal delivery - given Sammy's birth...there are worse things in life than a c-section but I would love to avoid one if at all possible.

We have an induction date! Monday! He asked when would work for us, we said ASAP. The next availability was to go in Sunday night to get things started with a cervix softener pill and then to get things going with pitocin and breaking my bag of waters (I'm guessing) Monday morning. On the phone he said, "One way or another we'll have this baby on Monday".

Monday, May 7th.

Y'all. There were a few May dates that I would have loved to land on. May 1st was a monumental day last year, May 5th is Dave's grandma's birthday, May 12th was diagnosis day for Sammy 2 years ago...and of course the 7th is just always special. Happy 19 months in heaven baby boy! The way it works *down here* is that we give YOU gifts on special days yet it seems that you've been giving us the gifts all along.

ahhhhh! So I am awake at 4am, brain running, running, running, with all the things that *need* to get done in the next 2 days. My mom was debating about when to come in and after putzing around for a couple hours I realized that I would like an extra set of hands to help with some of the final details around here. I'm generally one who needs a deadline in order to complete a task (unless it involves data collection and analysis for my job *shrug*) and this has proven to be the same. I *could* have been working on this stuff all week. So mom comes in tomorrow and is missing her graduation ceremony to get here. (She just finished her counseling degree this spring! So proud of her!)

If you have a moment, say a prayer for us :-) I don't know if I've mentioned the "new-mama" anxiety that I've been feeling. I like to worry in advance *rolling eyes*. It's part of what has made these last couple weeks more difficult. It starts with remembering these days with Sammy, then I reassure myself this time it will be different, and then I feel unprepared and inadequate for the days to come. I recognize it for what it is - some kind of downward spiral of negativity and anxiety but sometimes recognizing it isn't enough to get me out of it.

Alright y'all. Next post should have some *amazing* chubby cheeks and a precious fuzzy head.

yes

"You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between."

It's been a looooooong week waiting...waiting...waiting...and emotions/hormones are running high.

So what do I find myself doing? Reading blogs, remembering, and crying. Not constant crying but definitely a tear a day. You see, I've been here before, waiting for my baby to be born. And the way my body has remembered what shape to take, it seems my emotions have fallen into the path that they took before too. I know that the outcome will be different. At least I have no reason to believe the outcome will be the same. But secretly, it's an intense hope, because anything can happen.

I read this blog entry When you lose a baby and the quote above resonates. It works for baby loss, but it also fits any situation that may have left a bitter seed in your heart.

You can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.