love and grief

sleepy angel

I started pumping this week. 1. So that I can get a little more sleep 2. So that Dave can be involved in the feeding process. At this point it's only a bottle a day in the morning but we love it! I'm pretty sure that's why he's trying to smile in this picture. 

I started watching a couple new shows on Hulu to pass the time while I nurse Jake. I'm pretty sure these shows are not as funny as they seem but on 2 hours of sleep at 2am everything seems hilarious or makes me want to cry *smile*. I have also been doing some reading and last night came across this quote that made me think, then shake my head, then chuckle at God's attention to detail.

"Whether your losses are little or large, they are real and important. It's all right to mourn the years the locusts are eating in your life...Remember, love is a prerequisite for grief. If you didn't love, you wouldn't really suffer from loss. So your suffering in a time of loss is really evidence of your love, and love is always a good thing."

Apparently this is from a book about cancer, A Journey through Cancer by Emilie Barnes. But this excerpt about grief is fitting for any loss situation. Little or large...losses are real and important. Each day I come face to face with the loss of what I missed out on with Sammy. There are other reasons for grief in my life and those are real and important too. For me, the hard part is acknowledging the losses at times. I beat myself up with "you should be over it" or "dwelling on it won't help anything". But really, a pause to reflect on the loss will take less time than stifling it over and over and over again. 

There's also something about how love is a prereq for grief...and love will get me through this...it's all tangled up together so it can't be bad. Grief is not bad. It just is. 

I will carry this grief and this love forever and that is ok.