I talked with my dad tonight and told him that I kinda feel like I'm doing "too good". Someone who's baby just died 5 days shouldn't be able to function as well as I am. And I guess my only criteria for thinking I'm functioning well is that fact that I'm not crying nonstop (I mean didn't I just say I haven't left the house for 4 days?). I definitely have teary spells...Saturday morning when I woke up everywhere I looked was a reminder that I wasn't pregnant anymore and I didn't have a baby home with me either. It hurt to look at my maternity clothes, it hurt to be able to sleep and roll over *without* hurting (does that make sense?). Yesterday when it looked like we wouldn't be able to make our casts of Sammy's foot because the molds were shrinking and cracking - it immediately brought tears to my eyes and felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. We were able to make the 3-d casts and they are adorable.
The Lord is so faithful and His timing is so perfect. We've had people bring supper each night since Saturday. Tonight when Melissa (my pregnancy shoot photographer) brought supper she also spent some time praying with me and encouraging me. I couldn't say much in response to anything she said because I was so close to tears. She and I had just looked through some of our Sammy photo's, I missed my nap today (lol), and was just having a tough moment. She prayed and it helped restored peace to my soul.
We got ready to eat the food she brought...chicken! My first chicken in months, it was going to be a test, did Sammy ruin my ability to eat chicken forever or not? I put some on my plate and cut the first bite. Dave's phone rang and I could tell immediately it was a call about Sammy. My first thought was it was LOPA and something was wrong with his valves and they wouldn't be used (I put my fork down). Turns out it was the funeral home, his "remains" (I don't know why I have to put that in quotes, makes it seem less harsh to me or something) are ready for pick up. That just hurts. My rolly polly, soft and squishy baby is "remains". We hugged and cried for a bit...then I looked down at my plate and saw the bite of chicken that I had literally cut and put on my fork the second BEFORE the phone rang.
People, Sammy is *still* trying to stop me from eating chicken. :-) This boy will not stop and I love him even more for it. A lot of mama's have different things that remind them of their babies that are gone, things like butterflies, rainbows, or beautiful trees. My baby is keeping his legacy rolling with chicken. Seriously. SMH I will *not* start collecting chicken statues or chicken pictures though - promise.
Random other info - within 24 hours of having Sammy it seems my crazy pregnancy signs went away. Everything I ate tasted the way it was supposed. My toothpaste doesn't make me nauseous and my back teeth on the top are quite happy to be included each time I brush :-) I feel very fortunate...as soon as I noticed my milk was coming in we bound me up with an ace bandage and so far I am not in much pain. I would say almost no pain...I haven't had to use ice packs or anything. And I love my crazy shaped body. Honestly it's weird to say I love my body. But right now it's proof that I carried and grew a baby. I love it.
You know what else I love? My pit crew. I feel like some kind of race car (albeit a really slow, basically non-moving race car) and there is a team of people keeping me running. Dave and my mom are such an incredible blessing right now. They have lotsa time to rest with me but I feel incredibly spoiled by the great care they are giving me. And I don't want them to ever leave but I'm pretty sure they'll have to at some point.
So that's kinda how things are now. I feel like I'm doing too good, but I haven't left the house in 4ish days. Time is almost non-existant. I sleep, I correspond with friends online and share pictures of Sammy with anyone and everyone that I know.
I have loved having people stop by to see pictures or visit. I'm a little surprised, I don't usually get energy from being around others but right now I totally am. We average a group of visitors a day (ranging from 1 to 4 people) and that seems to be a perfect rate. Thank you for all the encouragement, prayers, visits and meals. We can feel the love.
Melissa, I totally know what you are saying when you said that you are doing better than you thought you would be doing. I too felt a peace when going home. I have to admit that leaving the hospital without my Desi in my arms was a little sad, but ok. When my milk came in, I felt an emptiness, but quickly recovered. Although I ended up back in the hospital 2 days after being home because of Hyper Tension, people were amazed at how well emotionally I was doing.
ReplyDeleteI think I did hit some rough patches, like my first time back at church, and during worship. It was even difficult when some people wouldn't talk to me about it. I too, wanted to talk about it! It was healing and still is! Grief did come and it came in waves. Sometimes it hit hard, but other times there was such peace. Music of course helped a lot! For me, it was healing to hold my friends newborn baby. I even called her from the hospital telling her that I didn't want her to feel awkward around me. (she was due 2 weeks after I lost Desi) I did hold her baby and kissed his sweet face!!
I believe that the reason you are doing so well and I did so well is because God is our strength when we are weak! He comforts us in ways we can't comprehend. He holds us in His loving arms and gives us such a peace that passes all understanding. Yes we will have good days and bad days, but we can make it because the JOY OF THE LORD IS OUR STRENGTH!!!
I love you Dave and Melissa and am so glad that we have been able to take this journey with you.
Thank you for sharing your Sammy with us. There are some things that we can't imagine ever going through, then we find that the suffering produces perseverance which produces character, which produces hope. It's quite strange to me how that works out, but I think it's God's way of giving us a hug. I look at Morgan's ashes and am reminded that I was chosen to be her mommy. I pray that you feel the same honor every single time you think of Sammy. We are praying for you and Dave every single day, thinking of you all the time. Sammy's life was so big...
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