I am

I am trying to put together a coherent post tonight...it's a struggle.

So I am going to try and keep it simple with the hope that at some point this week the rest of these thoughts can be transferred into some kind of post. Because I think what I'm thinking is important *rolling my eyes now at myself now*.

*edited here to add that I did not succeed in keeping it simple. In fact, the more I read this over the more detailed I want to add. Publishing post now!*

Yesterday was a hard day where I spent the day just not including God (by default of sinful, self-centered nature, not on purpose). Wendy texted to check in on me and reminded me of Isaiah 43:2. That broke the seal that had formed on my mind and I felt so much better remembering that the Lord is always with me...whether or not it *feels like it*.

Follow me on this rabbit trail...I made a "Sammy's List" for our time in the hospital just in case it would be helpful and we listened it to a few times throughout the day. In planning for the pushing part I toyed with putting my iPod on shuffle and seeing what happened, of course, I planned to take all the kiddie music off my iPod before then. We did set it on shuffle and I did NOT take off my 10+ albums of early childhood appropriate music. Farmer in the Dell played at one point I think. It helped lighten the mood when I asked someone to "skip this song" in between pushes.

The very first song that played was "You are my Joy" by the David Crowder Band. It made me happy because Sammy is my joy and this song has been one that just always brought me to a place of worship. It's so not what I would typically call a worship song because those songs are all sweet and soft...while this one is anything but sweet and soft. A few years ago at a DCB concert Dave even commented on how it was a unique worship song. Special to me for many reasons, awesome to hear as I began pushing.

The only other song I remember playing (besides Farmer in the Dell) was a Nichole Nordeman song that I used to listen to a lot but I had to go searching for it in the days after Sammy's birth. I know it touched my heart to hear it then and today it touched my heart today.

I would link to a Youtube video of the song but I don't like any of them. :-) So I'm linking to place where you can listen and read the lyrics at the same time.

Nichole Nordeman - I Am

My favorite part? All of it naturally. It reminds me of 2 other times in my life where I felt in desperate need of the Lord...and how he didn't let me down then, he definitely didn't fix things the way thought he should have, but since when I do I know what's best for me?

For real, I can hardly choose what lyrics to limit it to here but for those of you who won't follow the link or won't read the lyrics I know I want to share part of it with you. I wish you could all hear the sweet, simple music that accompanies these lyrics.

Life had begun, I was woven and spun,
You let the angels dance around the throne, who can say when,
But they’ll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home

when I am weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name.
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker,
hold on to my hand,” and You say “I am.”

So much greatness there (angels praised when Sammy was created *and* when he was welcomed to Heaven!!) but what I got overall today and what I needed yesterday was the reminder that the Lord is *always always* right here with me. Every feeling, every doubt, every fear, every high and every low, he is right here with me, just waiting to help me through. I am so humbled when I get emails and messages about people praying for me, usually this happens on the hard days. When I can't get there on my own, the Lord is faithful to provide other people to remind me. And it's not always the same people (but sometimes it is)!

And here is where my mind gets tangled sometimes. The Lord is not going to force himself on me (or you) but he never leaves me (or you)...I could have just as easily thrown my phone at the wall last night and stayed focused on MY pain and MY empty arms. He's so patient and loving. He waits for me. He waits for you.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

End of the rabbit trail: Ya'll he cares. He's there. Just look.