chicken bingeing and other random points of interest

:-) I made my most favorite Creamy Chicken taquito's for lunch today. And last night Dave grilled some yummy bbq chicken. If I didn't know better I would say that I am bingeing on chicken these days.

Right now my main goal in life is to not nap. With a snoring husband across the room, football on tv, a chill in the air, and 2 sacked out pups it's a struggle. I think the quality of my night time sleeping is evening out now I just need adjust the timing. 1am is not the most convenient bedtime. Last night I was all wrapped up in a book that took about 200 pages to get interesting and then BAM! I was sucked in.

Most of our Sammy stuff is all sitting in one spot. I have casually looked for a box or little decorative like trunk to store everything in permanently but right now it's just out. On the corner of that table was sitting a beautiful colorful frame that my friend Jenny made and I finally got a picture of Sammy put in it.

Every time I walked from the front of the house to the back I walked by the table and would glance down at his picture. A couple times last week as I looked up into the mirror I was startled to see my baby boy's chin. I like that. I mentioned it to Dave and he said that every now and then he see's it too when he's looking at me. *smile*

My mom is taking this Nana thing very seriously. She called to tell me that when she went to her hair cut appointment she took some pictures of Sammy to show the hair stylist. *smile* I'm not sure which picture she saw but apparently the hair stylist said, "Oh, curly red hair!" In her *professional* opinion Sammy's hair was not only red, but also curly...what a fun thing to imagine.

*this was after his bath*

I got to share my Sammy book of pictures with one of the neighbors yesterday. I was outside planting flowers and he came out. Somehow Sammy came up and Jose asked if we got to spend any time with him. Shoot - yes, we did, wanna see pictures? He commented on how romantic our pregnancy photo's are from City Park, how Sammy just looked like he was sleeping and of course how big Sammy was. And then after handing the book back he started walking back to his house and said, while tapping his chest, "It just hurts my heart a little bit".

yeah. me too.

light and momentary?

I have been known at times to be *a bit dramatic*.

I can hear the laughter ringing all the way from Minnesota. Let's just say it's hereditary.

Once again I am in a place where I'll never know the real cause of the intense emotions. But after a good morning of walking with a friend, her daughter, and my pup pups there I was. By the time Dave got home I was just resigned to the fact that some times there is just an infinite feeling sadness and no way to avoid it or overcome it. I saw a quote on my new friend Brooke's blog that she found on Courtney's blog (baby Ella has not made her appearance yet!).

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, i'll already be there."

~Author Unknown (I edited to make it he's instead of she's)

It made me sad but with a side of hope and comfort. Hope that all this missing Sammy for the rest of my life will feel short and comfort in the fact that he's ok. As I continued with my afternoon and tried to not dwell in my sadness too much (FAIL - unless sitting and listening to sad music while staring into space for a couple hours = moving on), the phrase "light and momentary afflictions" popped into my head.

yyyyeeeaaahhhhhh. I knew that was scripture but I swear I scoffed out loud at all this being called "light" or "momentary". <---imagine big over exaggerated air quotes dripping with sarcasm here. And being in the shower at the time, the situation was not real conducive to Googling that phrase so I just started thinking about eternity. And wondered about the context of that scripture, thinking Paul probably wrote it while he was in jail or something crazy like that.

2 Corinthians 4:17 - For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

By itself that verse was hardly comforting...call it the selfishness of immediate gratification but I would rather have my baby now than "eternal glory" later, whatever that means anyway. With it's two immediate neighbor verses it came together for me, providing me with enough comfort to not climb into the dark hole that was attempting to swallow me.

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 - Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

It helped me to be affirmed in the "outward wasting away", that's a nice way of putting how I felt yesterday and am tempted to feel every day. And yet I was being renewed even as I was feeling affirmed in the wasting away.

It's been a struggle to complete some of the tasks I was all fired up to do a couple days ago. It started with the zucchini bread being a bust, I didn't bake it long enough (I blame my oven, bake times are way longer than recipes call for lately). Then the rest of the recipes that I wanted to try were taunting me so I made myself complete them last night. There were some flowers that needed to get planted in front of our house and I finally made myself do it today. I'm glad I did it all. In the midst of these tasks it felt good and even better when they were done. I just lack motivation some days.

I tell myself it is ok. It is ok to be infinitely sad for a little bit. It is ok to lack motivation for anything but staring into space. Some days will have those moments. Maybe that's my tendency to lean toward the dramatic but I know those moments won't last forever. I know that lately when I can't find comfort, comfort seems to find me.

lizards and a couple websites that might change your life

Confession time. I don't sleep very well these days without the aid of a little white pill. I did take one fantastic nap this week but it was my response to some adverse stimuli. (I don't want to talk about it). Every now and then I think about weaning myself off the little white pill but can always think of a reason not too. Well, last night I decided to try sleeping without it. FAIL.

The best I can figure my body has a perfect "I'm-a-new-mama-with-a-newborn-that-needs-nourishment-every-couple-hours" sleep pattern but since I'm *not* that it just equals bad sleep. Up every couple hours, crazy dreams that annoyingly don't stop. So I'm laying in bed this morning, minding my own business, after a night of shoddy sleep, listening to the rain, seeing that there is no sun shining and contemplating what in life could make me possibly get out of bed. And it's Thursday. All signs were point to a Melissa-shaped hole in the mattress.

And then I saw it. It looked like a paint drip at first, illuminated there in the sliver of light that had escaped the curtain. As I stared, I thought about how I didn't remember there being a paint drip there before...and then I saw them. The eyes and legs. Paint drips don't have eyes and legs.

I got out of bed, real sneaky like so as to not disturb the lizard. !! Lizard! In my bedroom! Thank goodness Dave was still home and could be enlisted to catch it. I believe I threatened to move out TODAY if he didn't get rid of it. Ya'll have no idea what kind of paralyzing power a tiny lizard has on me. As I think back, I have a lizard story for every year that we have been in New Orleans. I just don't like them but they seem to love me. *shiver* Dave caught the lizard and put it outside.

Whew. Anyway, I'm up. I spent yesterday running errands. I am doing great so far at keeping myself busy with stuff that I've wanted to get done for a while. Exciting things like getting a sealable container for the dogs' food, a new toilet brush, and those little fabric bins so that Dave can have his pj's and t-shirts sufficiently organized in the closet. Really though, I am revisiting my old pre-preg self too.

Like baking this Chocolate Zucchini Bread from one of my favorite recipe blogs. Only one recipe has done me wrong there, and I'm sure it was my fault. Don't be afraid of zucchini bread, especially chocolate with mini chocolate chips zucchini bread with a sugary crust on top. It will probably change your life a little bit. It's almost like I'm reverse nesting...except really I used to do stuff like this all the time. Before food made me ill and all, I loved to try out new recipes.

I read this blog this morning and it also has potential to change your life, or at least make you think for a minute. It also strikes me as slightly ironic that it's a little bit about being succinct and I feel like the opposite of that most of the time. Ignoring the Soundtrack - check it out.

Basically if pregnant Melissa = bump on a log, not pregnant Melissa = baker/cook/creator. I'm sure my creative energies would have been funneled into a nursery, actually I have a whole word document of girl/boy possibilities for nursery decor/bedding and the like. It's basically what I did instead of starting a registry before we had the anatomy ultrasound. And after the ultrasound, well, the document wasn't needed so I believe it got tucked safely away on our external hard drive somewhere.

Now that creative energy is creeping back in with the creation of the little brag books for the family and need to declutter and reorganize everything. And it takes a lot of creative energy because our home has very little storage, especially in the kitchen which is the room I am most often starring into from my place on the couch :-)

In summary, it's been 10 months since all these activities appealed to me and it seems I've missed them, even though I didn't (I swear that makes sense in my head). I really like reading blogs and sharing them with people. And lizards should really leave me alone.

I'm not the only one...

I must stop 10 times a day and think, "I can't believe this is my life". It usually happens when I see old pictures of myself or the date on something. Yesterday it was a little candy dish I made at Christmas time 2008. I thought back to that day, decorating pottery with my mom and sister in law. I remember and then it goes something like this "that was 2 years ago, little did I know what Christmas 2010 would look like...how different things would be". As I write this I'm struck with positivity, which is not where I tend to lean so !!!, and I'm actually hoping that one day I'll look back to 2010 and be a in a good different place, not the sad different place I feel like I'm in now.

I've had a few good days because I constantly tell myself that Sammy's life had a purpose and continues to serve that purpose. I get sad (<---understatement) thinking about what I wish his life could have been, or more likely what my life could have been with him, but I have to believe that his days were numbered and completed just they way they were supposed to be. Sometimes that inner monologue works, sometimes it doesn't.

I heard a song on the radio last night and a couple lines of lyrics are destined to infiltrate my dogma in these next few weeks. "You'll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow that holds you down today". So that's my plan, get through the days I can and wrestle out the sorrow when I can't.

ps - I am not wrestling alone, I've got some great tag team partners, obviously Dave and everyone praying but most effectively Jesus. He's strong and wins every battle he's in so I'm in good hands.

pps - Amy wins 10 points, I felt like my day was a few pages from the book "If you give a mouse a cookie", it's a picture book for children, it's good. The mouse goes from one random activity to the other.

ppps - Friday is Ella's birthday! Please keep praying for Courtney and her family as they spend these last few days lovin' on their precious girl.

Please pray for Ella & family

Hey all,

Please pray for Courtney, her family, and baby Ella.

Back in July when we finally contacted Sara, the local Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep coordinator, she told us she would be honored to take photo's for us and hey, one of her best friends just found out her baby has anencephaly, check out her blog!

And so I was introduced to Courtney and sweet Ella. Through Courtney's blog I found the blog of a fellow teacher who was also carrying her baby with anencephaly, going to school every day and at some point having to explain to the parents of her students that her baby wouldn't be coming home from the hospital with her (I have yet to figure out how to tell parents that). Meet Brooke and Briar. It is/was amazing being able to talk with other pregnant women about our hopes, struggles, and fears. It is SOOOOOO comforting to go visit a blog and see that someone else seems to have typed what you are feeling and feels the same thing! Briar was due in November, born in September because Brooke accumulated too much fluid. She shares her birthday with her precious son (another thing we *almost* had in common, Sammy and I have birthday's 2 days apart).

Courtney posted last night that her amniotic fluid has also accumulated and she is going in to the doctor today to find out what that means for her and Ella. It could mean an induction date, it could mean they draw out some of the fluid, or ?? She is only 32 weeks.

So say a quick prayer for Courtney and her family. For peace as a decision is made or not. For her safety and health as too much fluid can be dangerous for mama. I know they would welcome a miracle as well.

And also thank you, once again, Sara for sharing your friends with us.

if you give a mouse a cookie...

Today I feel antsy. I couldn't drag myself out of bed at 7am to go on a walk with Dave so Mose went while Stella and I stayed home to sleep. When I finally woke up I decided to do some yoga after my berry colossal crunch and coffee. Since I have a yellow dog that loves to shed I had to vacuum before I could go all yoga on the rug. And then I saw this and had to get a scissors and fix it.

<--- look at those hangy strings!

<---- Now they are gone. Mose in this picture represents how interesting it is when I sit/lay/try to exercise on the floor...I hope it adds a level of difficulty to the ab workout when I giggle as Stella randomly licks and attacks me.

<--- Here's the not so impressive pile of clippings...it would have been twice this size if Stella hadn't eaten the first half.

Other exciting antsy activities for today? I mean, besides photographing my carpet's string cut? Yoga, Bootylicious Buns 3 workout On Demand, organizing my jewelry box and Dave's socks and undies drawer. Little did I know his way of putting clothes away at some point evolved into just stuffing things in random drawers. I found socks in 3 different drawers, including the one I had to wrestle open.

I'm gonna eat some lunch now and read a book...have I ever mentioned my dogs here? We have two - Mose, the Dorkie (dachshund/yokie) and Stella, a chihuahua/yorkie/terrier mix. They are champion cuddlers with lots of personality.

And last random tidbit for the day. We've found two shows that without fail make me laugh. We're talking laughing through my sad tears as I read or write blogs...one is The Office, specifically season 5. And last night...SMH...it was super old reruns of Cops on TruTV. I generally can't *stand* Cops but it was hilarious last night. I've taken some great notes on what NOT to say if I ever get pulled over.

10 points to anyone who gets the context for the title...

I am

I am trying to put together a coherent post tonight...it's a struggle.

So I am going to try and keep it simple with the hope that at some point this week the rest of these thoughts can be transferred into some kind of post. Because I think what I'm thinking is important *rolling my eyes now at myself now*.

*edited here to add that I did not succeed in keeping it simple. In fact, the more I read this over the more detailed I want to add. Publishing post now!*

Yesterday was a hard day where I spent the day just not including God (by default of sinful, self-centered nature, not on purpose). Wendy texted to check in on me and reminded me of Isaiah 43:2. That broke the seal that had formed on my mind and I felt so much better remembering that the Lord is always with me...whether or not it *feels like it*.

Follow me on this rabbit trail...I made a "Sammy's List" for our time in the hospital just in case it would be helpful and we listened it to a few times throughout the day. In planning for the pushing part I toyed with putting my iPod on shuffle and seeing what happened, of course, I planned to take all the kiddie music off my iPod before then. We did set it on shuffle and I did NOT take off my 10+ albums of early childhood appropriate music. Farmer in the Dell played at one point I think. It helped lighten the mood when I asked someone to "skip this song" in between pushes.

The very first song that played was "You are my Joy" by the David Crowder Band. It made me happy because Sammy is my joy and this song has been one that just always brought me to a place of worship. It's so not what I would typically call a worship song because those songs are all sweet and soft...while this one is anything but sweet and soft. A few years ago at a DCB concert Dave even commented on how it was a unique worship song. Special to me for many reasons, awesome to hear as I began pushing.

The only other song I remember playing (besides Farmer in the Dell) was a Nichole Nordeman song that I used to listen to a lot but I had to go searching for it in the days after Sammy's birth. I know it touched my heart to hear it then and today it touched my heart today.

I would link to a Youtube video of the song but I don't like any of them. :-) So I'm linking to place where you can listen and read the lyrics at the same time.

Nichole Nordeman - I Am

My favorite part? All of it naturally. It reminds me of 2 other times in my life where I felt in desperate need of the Lord...and how he didn't let me down then, he definitely didn't fix things the way thought he should have, but since when I do I know what's best for me?

For real, I can hardly choose what lyrics to limit it to here but for those of you who won't follow the link or won't read the lyrics I know I want to share part of it with you. I wish you could all hear the sweet, simple music that accompanies these lyrics.

Life had begun, I was woven and spun,
You let the angels dance around the throne, who can say when,
But they’ll dance again, when I am free and finally headed home

when I am weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name.
“Oh Shepherd, Savior, Pasture-maker,
hold on to my hand,” and You say “I am.”

So much greatness there (angels praised when Sammy was created *and* when he was welcomed to Heaven!!) but what I got overall today and what I needed yesterday was the reminder that the Lord is *always always* right here with me. Every feeling, every doubt, every fear, every high and every low, he is right here with me, just waiting to help me through. I am so humbled when I get emails and messages about people praying for me, usually this happens on the hard days. When I can't get there on my own, the Lord is faithful to provide other people to remind me. And it's not always the same people (but sometimes it is)!

And here is where my mind gets tangled sometimes. The Lord is not going to force himself on me (or you) but he never leaves me (or you)...I could have just as easily thrown my phone at the wall last night and stayed focused on MY pain and MY empty arms. He's so patient and loving. He waits for me. He waits for you.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

End of the rabbit trail: Ya'll he cares. He's there. Just look.

*sigh*

Numbering is the easy way out of figuring for smooth transitions. Now I've confessed and can be unapologetic about numbering my thoughts.

1. I'm not sure if it was the "Thursdayness" of yesterday and people know how hard that day can be (Sammy was born on a Thursday) or if it was all the Lord's direction or both but I g0t a few encouraging messages yesterday. It was a great day to know that people were praying because not only was it the 2 week Thursday, it was also the day we took the urn we picked out to the funeral home and picked up "Sammy". Again with the quotes because I tell myself it's just dust and the real Sammy is chillin' in Heaven. It's too much to think about my precious, squishy baby being anywhere else. Thank you for the prayers and thoughts yesterday if that was you.

2. I realized yesterday that I hadn't said much here about what we did with Sammy. There will obvs be a whole post about that adventure. We did not have a funeral or memorial service of any kind, it just wasn't something we wanted. We reserved the right to change our minds, but we didn't. I think I started planning his 1st b-day celebration the day after he was born so look out October 7, 2011!

In the interests of comparing myself to everyone else *rolling eyes, I know, I can't help it* I have to say that I haven't heard of anyone in recent years that carried a baby to term (or had an unexpected stillbirth) that chose not to have some kind of service. But I am totally comfortable and content with the decision we made to forgo a service(and to the best of my knowledge, Dave is too). So anyone reading this, who might not want a service, it's ok, do what feels best for you.

3. My mom leaves tomorrow.

4. We got a couple super sweet gifts in the mail this week. One from my step-cousin and one from some friends in Michigan. I love people remembering Sammy. My great aunt and my grandparents also donated some Bibles in Sammy's honor. I just got a pamphlet in the mail from "Heifers International" about donating $ to purchase a heifer (in some other country to people who would need it), I don't know why, maybe someone is donating a heifer in Sammy's honor. That makes me giggle. *I'm sure this is a fantastic organization, I'm not trying to make light of their hard work*

I need to go finish the picture books so I can get them in the mail today but I wanted to check in here too.

5. Oh! Look up! Under the title of the blog there are now a couple pages. Just click on the tab to read "The Soundtrack" - if you're interested in good music or the songs that I listen A LOT, and "Sammy's Birth Story" - kinda self explanatory. I will be adding a couple more pages soon...

Part 3 - He's born!

1. Please excuse the crazy hair/face and focus on how natural I look as a mama holding her baby. Wendy just sent me this photo a couple days ago, she took it with her phone and it's one of my favorites.

2. Aren't they all your favorite, you ask? Why yes, so what if they are ALL my favorite?

3. I was probably trying to convince Dave that Sammy's feet were mini versions of his.

4. It also painfully obvious in this photo that Sammy got my simultaneously nubby and nonexistent chin(s)...good thing he's a baby, he could pull it off.

*part 3*

Apparently someone went on a Starbucks run and returned right about the time we were ready to get started. So there I lay, literally with my legs up in stirrups, the doctor and Anne were getting everything ready and my mom handed Dave his iced-whatever across my chest as she sips her iced-whatever. I definitely commented on this. I mean, they both had a long hard day of dealing with me but seriously. It’s now been 24 hours since anything but water stayed in my system and they are floating iced coffee above my head. I’m not bitter (maybe a little).

I pushed for only 20 minutes. I mean it felt like forever but compared to others I know 20 minutes isn't bad. The people waiting outside the door heard laughter a couple times during the process. One time someone asked the doctor if he could see any hair, he thought they asked about "hearing" so he was answering some crazy answer about how it would take a couple days and some kind of ear canal trauma from birth blah blah blah, finally someone figured out there was a miscommunication and everyone laughed. He couldn’t see any hair at that point. Another time my mom stopped counting!! She was the counter and while I was in mid push she quit! Of course I focused on how she quit counting, not finishing the count myself. LOL - that got everyone laughing too. As soon as I took my next breath I was fussin' at her for not counting.

Turns out she was probably distracted by all the work the doctor was doing to get Sammy out. We didn’t know until he was all the way out what a big boy he was. Wendy thinks his shoulders got stuck and coupled with his head not being able to stretch everything else out appropriately it caused him to get stuck. I could feel Sammy squirming between contractions. I thank God we were able to get him out without having to go to a c-section. I had no idea what was going of course. I was just pushing and not feeling a thing.

Finally Sammy was born, the doctor looked at me and said “I’m so sorry” as Anne placed Sammy on my tummy. I assumed that to mean he was born still (later my mom mentioned he was probably apologizing for the damage that was done). I had my own moment of assessment, realized he was still, and then I started going on and on about how big he was! He had little baby boobies and ROLLS. Rubber band wrists and thighs. I couldn't believe it. And I LOVE it. He had red hair! Another shocker. We knew it was possible; my mom and Grandma have red hair, I had red hair as a child and Dave's mom and Grandma have red hair but I am still just in awe.

Sammy was born at 9:47pm, weighed 8 1/2 lbs and was 20 inches long. Thank God we choose to go ahead with October 7th, I can't imagine how much more he would have weighed by the 11^th and how much more damage he could have done. We are happy to have avoided a c-section. And even though no one will really tell me what was going on during all the pushing I get the impression that without an epidural I might be stuck away in a psych ward somewhere. I am super grateful for my own openness to changing the plan during labor (mmm, humble? not so much) and Wendy's flexibility and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit (yes, I am giving the Lord credit for the epidural).

His size was a shock for a couple reasons. One being that all through the pregnancy doctors told me that babies like Sammy are "generally" smaller. I don’t know that I have actually read a story about an anencephalic baby that was over 8 lbs. I also had my mom telling me all week that there was no way he was a big baby. I was too small, there wasn’t enough room in there for a big baby. Ha. Love my mom, but she was also convinced Sammy was a girl until ultrasound confirmed otherwise.

I don’t know how long we fawned over Sammy before I asked why no one else had come in to see him...yeah…my mom gently reminded me with a giggle that I was not fit for guests yet as the doctor was still stitching me up. Right. I just wanted to share my sweet baby with everyone.

Everybody came in and it’s kind of a whirlwind after that. Sammy was passed around and everyone got a chance to hold him. I couldn’t wait to get him bathed and dressed! Someone (Anne I assume) brought in a little pink plastic tub and my mom and Dave gave Sammy a bath on the bed. My mom held up one little outfit – no way was it going to fit. Thank goodness I bought a layette, it was premie sized but we were able to squeeze him into it.

Sometime before the bath Sara (NILMDTS photographer) had to leave unexpectedly. Dave had planned a little bit better than I had asked a friend from church if she would be the back-up photog in the event we needed one. Sure enough, at 11pm someone called Brenna, got her out of bed and she trekked back up to the hospital (she had visited earlier) to take pictures. (1 million thanks to both of these ladies!)

My next time marker is at 1am (the 8th) when Anne came in to tell us that because of his size and age, Sammy could donate his heart valves! We had hoped initially for that opportunity but were told by 2 out of 3 doctors that donation was not a possibility. So we quit pursuing it but it found us. Our first question was when would they need Sammy and they told us 6am. It gave us a few more hours with him so we decided to do it.

We spent the night with him cuddling and memorizing his little body. I tried to chap his cheeks lavishing them with kisses. There are pictures of me poking them too, I couldn't stop. I am so in love with how chunky and squishy he was!

Giving him his last kiss was incredibly hard. I appreciate the hospital staff so much for all of their understanding. It was the only time Anne saw tears (or heard sobs) from us, and she apologized for having to take him. A few minutes later she rushed in with a tissue in her hand. She hadn’t realized that he had hair and somehow didn’t see where we had already cut a bunch off (don't worry, it wasn't a hack job, Wendy did a wonderfully tasteful newborn haircut). Anne was apologizing for not noticing earlier, but as she adjusted his hat after leaving the room she saw his hair and brought us a snippet wrapped up in tissue. After all my fussing in June/July it turns out our hospital was fantastic.

I thank God for the peace and joy that filled the hospital room from the moment I entered until we had to hand Sammy over. People seemed shocked at the joy in the room as we all loved on Sammy. It was an answer to my prayers and the prayers of hundreds of others that held us up.

I love that I could fully experience labor and birth for what it was and didn’t spend all day worrying. I love that in spite of Sammy being stillborn everyone could spend time getting to know his big little self and be taken in by the wonder that was our little baby, a pretty perfect combination of Lucido/Scrabeck (if I do say so myself).

I remember sitting in our big brown chair one evening in February and wondering how a woman could allow herself to become pregnant more than once (my all day sickness/nausea was no joke).

I remember the adventure of never knowing what food was going to decide to come back up until well into June.

I remember needing 5 pillows to “sleep comfortably” – ha ha - the last three weeks.

I remember the 21 weeks of knowing my baby had a slim chance at living and trying to fill each one of those moments to the fullest.

I remember *kinda but not really* the pain of contractions.

I am still shocked when I can breath and touch my feet at the same time. *smile*

And I would do it all over again – every single moment - if it meant feeling Sammy’s movements and getting to spend those 8 hours with him.

Two weeks later I am in wonder at how my body is healing and showing that it was made to do this. Yet two weeks later my shattered heart has moments of doubt that I can survive this.

I am convinced it’s gonna take a lotta love to get through this...love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things.

Part 2 - LABOR

Part 2 - all caps because it should be shouted. LABOR. This is what happens when I have time to add details...I'm really writing this for myself so don't feel too bad if you can't make it through the whole post.

*we all worked hard - all day*

Wednesday night was short. My mom came with us to the hospital so that she would be able to find the room the next morning and Wendy met us there. Ya’ll have no idea how nervous I was about IV’s and all that hospital business. And being induced I was given full hospital business treatment (stupid automatic blood pressure cuff & stupid veins that are hard to find). Twice throughout the night Ann inserted some sort of cervix softening pill thingy to get it ready for the big stretch. She also gave me a little sleep helper pill so I would able to get some rest. I’m not too sure sleep woulda been possible without it. Dave and I fell asleep not long after Mom and Wendy left for the night.

And Thursday. We were woken up right after 7am by our new nurse, Tisha, and Dr. v. He blew in with an, “ok and now we’re going to break your water” and set to work. It was one of the hardest moments in the entire pregnancy. I haven’t fully processed why…honestly I didn’t give up hope that Sammy would be healed until he was placed on my belly. I couldn’t tell the doctor no, I don’t know why. But as soon as we were alone again I cried. Not long after that Wendy, my mom, Duane, Sharonne, and Laura showed up and around 10:30am Sara, the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer showed up.

I have no idea what time contractions started. We didn’t do birthing classes we just talked with Wendy about laboring techniques, I read a lot of birth stories, and my co-teacher gave me the book Hypnobirthing. I read about half the book, it talked a lot about breathing so I would practice deep yoga breaths each night as I fell asleep. Dave called it my “creepy breathing”. Music has always been a powerful tool for me as well so I made Sammy a playlist and made sure my “Feel the Love” playlist from May was ready too. In one awesome natural birth story the mama talked about how they got l.e.d. tea lights to set the mood at the hospital. So I bought some of those too.

I don’t remember the music much, I do remember being in my own little labor world. I did lots of creepy breathing and had lots of hate for the blood pressure cuff that kept tightening on my arm just as a contraction would start (coincidental). Having Wendy (doula) around was perfect at this point. I know in the heat of the moment had Dave or my mom suggested I move around and try a different labor position the answer would have been NO. But since Wendy is one of the sweetest people I know and not at all related to me, it was hard to say no. Oh yeah, and she’s kind of an expert at the whole labor/birth thing.

In some of my reading of birth stories women would talk about hearing what was going on in the room but only addressing what was happening in their head. I don't know if I said that clearly but I was totally there. I could hear conversations and would "respond" in my head. It was weird and probably for the better, especially at the end.

So we moved around the room a bit. I think the first variation we tried was laying on my side, it was HORRIBLE. Hours later I would hold my son and contemplate laying on my side but decide against it, remembering the pain I felt with those 4 contractions I had while laying on my side. There was a birthing ball, loved that, still required a couple people to get through contractions though. One time Wendy made me stand…after I decorated Dave, the birthing ball, and the floor with all the water and juice I drank that morning I didn’t have to try standing up any more. Gross. There was a birthing chair but that hurt too. It was a long day.

I know at some point I started visualizing items disappearing as a contraction progressed. I remember 3 different things vividly and I’m sure there were more…first was a cookie. As I took my deep breath in one big bite of the cookie disappeared and as I let that breath out slowly some more of the cookie disappeared. I have no idea where this came from (having not eaten since 7pm the night before). I also pictured the breathes out as blowing out some candles on a birthday cake, but I didn’t like that visualization because it always took more breathes to get through the contraction than it took to blow out all the candles. Even during labor my mind is unsatisfied with itself? Really?

I spent the day laboring naturally...at the start I was 0cm and 50% effaced, -3 station, by 1pm I was 4cm and fully effaced. Woohoo! Seemed to be trucking right along. At 4pm I was 6cm and we had high hopes of delivering sometime early evening...I know I was hoping for 8pm at the latest since I was going about 1cm an hour and after the fact I found out everyone else was thinking the same thing.

By 5:30 I was ready to give up (I only know the approximate time because of the picture at the beginning of this post, this was my final semi-comfortable laboring position and the clock says 5:30. I was probably trying to figure out a way to weasel drugs from someone while this was being taken). Contractions were very painful and all the positions and tricks seemed to have stopped working. Wendy and I had talked about possible drug options if they became necessary so I broached the subject, knowing she was partial, in Sammy’s case, to IV narcotics as opposed to an epidural. I mentioned being just about done with all this *smile* and she suggested we have the nurse check me since the doctor was taking quite a while to get back and check me after his office hours.

At 6:30pm-ish Tisha checked me and I had basically stalled...still 6, maybe 7 cm and -1 station. I wanted to cry, especially because I had to be back in the bed for the check and contractions while sitting/laying in the bed were horrendous at this point. They were 1 1/2 - 2 mins long 2-3 minutes apart...and increasing intensity. I was whiney...I tried to cry but it made everything hurt worse.

At this point my doula said she actually thought an epidural would be a good idea (God was guiding her for what was to come). I didn't care, I just wanted something to take the pain away. Here is where I mention that I had the squeakiest hospital door ever in life. Best I can figure at this point everyone who’d been hanging out all day decided it was time to line up outside the door and take turns coming in. Slowly, one at a time. Every time the door opened I waited for the “It’s Tisha” announcing her arrival and the arrival of relief (read: drugs). I don’t know if I said anything out loud but I was loosing patience with that door and the absence of the nurse. At one point a doctor came in, but was in the wrong room, I probably would have taken whatever was in his pocket at this point.

So it was decided I would have a shot of narcotics to take the edge off while I waited for the 2 bags of fluid I would need to run into my body before the epidural could be placed. Shout out to my Mom and Laura for squeezing those bags of fluid into my arm until they got an official iv bag squeezer thingy in place. I wanted to try natural, I did. I was a little scared of how I might respond to drugs...turns out we are besties :-) me and drugs get a long reeeeaalll good (if ever anyone can find a vein).

Sometime after the initial Nubain shot I had the 3^rd vivid visualization for getting through the contractions. Have you ever seen contractions on a monitor? They look like mountains. Single mountains if you’re lucky, if you’re not they’ll have 2 or 3 humps like some of mine did. Anyway, this time I visualized a rainbow…I was climbing the outside layer of a rainbow and going down the other side on the inside because it was too boring to just climb up and down the outside…and then I wondered what color comes first on the outside of a rainbow. Oh boy…

Clearly with the shot of narcotics I was able to relax...I had been shivering uncontrollably for an hour or so, cold but also just couldn't relax. I could talk between contractions again and a bunch of girlfriends from church arrived about the time I got the shot. They came in and visited with me until the epidural dude got there. We had really deep conversation, my first interactive conversation 8 or so hours, it went like this - "So, what have you all had to eat today?" LOL - I was hungry!

The dude with the epidural came in so my friends stepped out for him to do his business. For anyone fearing an epidural or a catheter I would suggest 8-10 hours of natural labor to distract you from that fear. I did not feel either when they were finally all in place. Again, before this day started I couldn't watch someone draw my blood and had to take deep breaths the entire time they did. I scoff at little blood draw needles now. Scoff.

My friends came back in to pray over me. During that prayer one of my friends was kinda rubbing my belly and said Sammy was kickin' like crazy during the entire prayer...he always loved him some prayer.

The doctor finally came in and did his own check. Less than an hour after the epidural I was +1 station, fully dilated, and ready to start pushing. I was shocked and asked for 20 minutes to power nap before we started. Hubs and I took a little rest and spent some final minutes talking to Sammy. Dave would always ask Sammy questions and tell him to kick if he agreed...Sammy rarely answered. This time when Dave asked if Sammy was excited to meet us he responded with a thump :-) We were ready to meet our baby boy.

Part 1 - Choosing his birthday

**Sammy & Nanna Shelly Wednesday October 6th**

If I could add trumpet fanfare to the beginning of this birth story I would...although that might be misleading because I feel like this first part is boring but I guess that's how labor & delivery work -the excitement is at the end...

Our first induction date was set for October 11, 1 ½ weeks past my due date. At one of my last appointments we asked if there was a busy baby time of year in New Orleans and the doctor confirmed that it was the end August, September, beginning of October…about 9 months after cold weather usually hits the area, which coincides with the holidays so it's kind of a double jeopardy I guess. * smile* This "busy baby season" contributed to the late induction date, if someone scheduled for October 7^th went into natural labor earlier we would be the first ones bumped to that day.

We got a phone call from the doctors office Friday the 1^st. I didn’t recognize the number at first since, you know, being 40 weeks pregnant I didn’t my doctors office phone number yet programmed into my phone (it wasn’t until 38 weeks that I realized if I went into labor I wouldn’t know what to do first, call the dr or go to the ER or ???, I still say this fact alone makes me a dream patient). I listened to the message and immediately called Wendy (my doula) and when she didn’t answer I called my mom to see what difference 5 days would make in the wait for my body or Sammy to decide to be ready for birth. The consensus from both was that since my body was making such little progress the boost of induction would probably be helpful and 5 days probably wouldn’t make much of a difference. My family history is pitocin is necessary and babies like to hang out past their due date. And every doctor I talked to told me that babies with anencephaly generally go past their due date and would hang out forever so I was already resigned to induction…

My first reaction to moving up the date was excitement. Dave wasn’t quite ready. So I asked the doctor for the weekend to decide, 7^th or 11^th. I kept thinking of reasons why I liked the 7^th but wanted to respect Dave’s feelings and his part of the process. I learned that *my* original due date was the 7th but I showed up a couple days early. I googled the 7th of October and the 11th of October to see if anything special on one of these days would make it clear which day we should choose. Other than the 11th being National Coming Out day (while semantically fitting in one way, probably not quite what the founders of this day had in mind), nothing really grabbed my attention. Obviously we decided on the 7^th and got the family all geared up to come into town. Oh - and turns out it was probably a God thing that we chose the 7th...

My mom and stepdad had already been summoned to New Orleans and had flights planned for the evening of the 3^rd. Dave’s mom (Sharonne) and sister (Laura) made their plans to drive down on Tuesday. I honestly don’t remember much about Monday-Wednesday. I know we (read: my mom) cleaned and waxed the floors at some point…we got pedicures on the 5^th, which was my 29^th birthday, and I wasn’t really in the mood to go out so we had Whole Foods Deli for supper and Pinkberry for dessert.

Wednesday during the day I really don’t think we did anything. We did go out for supper and I finished packing my hospital bag before we headed to church. Every Wednesday night our church has a prayer and worship service, this was one of the reasons an induction on the 7^th appealed to me. The doctor’s initial scenario started with going into the hospital the night before at around 9pm. Perfect for spending some time in prayer right before walking into the hospital, one of the moments I had most fearfully anticipated.

We got all checked in and met our first nurse, Ann. She was fantastic. Everybody I met was fantastic, all that worrying and stressing I did in June/July, well, I wanna say it was a waste of time but really I think it was the Lord teaching me trust. I still feel it was justified anxiety but I will never forget the underlying calm, knowing somewhere really deep down that it was all gonna to work out.

And it did.

sammy's book(s)

This is one of my favorite pictures - I'm sure I was moments away from poking his cheek. I love the joy that is on our faces and today as I was looking up verses to sit opposite certain pages in his little brag books that I am making for family in far off places like Minnesota and Michigan I found these. Again, I know one of them is a song I had on Sammy's playlist (I knew this one was scripture) and the other verse just helps to heal my heart today. Sammy was not a mistake, every piece of him was purposefully made...

...bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor...

Isaiah 61:3

This picture is proof to me that we were covered with that oil of gladness instead of mourning as we enjoyed our time with Sammy. In the last few months I have worn that garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair and I know I need to grieve but I want to spend more time in that place of praise.

my frame was not hidden from you when i was made in the secret place. when i was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:15-16

I mean Psalm 139 in its entirety is fantastic but those two verses are a piece of comfort to me right now.

Thanks for the encouragement after yesterdays downer post - feeling better today while I continue to ride this roller coaster of grief.

**ps - I should really stop saying this but I swear on my list of things to do today is start the birth story posts...I've written a couple versions and they are long...and still short on details...that's a warning**

**pps - I think I keep saying it so I feel some pressure to get it done. obvs not working great so far**

chicken, michaels and a realization

Of the people I've talked to that read my blog, 100% have asked if I ate the chicken. I didn't mean to be vague but yes. I did eat the chicken even though it appeared Sammy tried to stop me yet again. And it was delish. In fact, I had the exact same chicken for lunch again today. Well, not the exact same, but from the same restaurant. It continues to be one of the many mysteries of pregnancy...how one day all these little quirks show up and in one long day 8 1/2 - 9 months later the quirks disappear. I had a lotta quirks (yes I said *had* - hush Dad).

Remember the other day when I went to Michaels and saw a baby and it made me sad? Guess what I saw last night at Michaels when I was trying to exchange a picture book? Another brand new baby, this time a boy. It was not a good day yesterday anyway. Can someone tell my why all these people are taking brand new babies to Michaels? Target - duh - but Michaels? It'll be a good while before I go back in there.

I didn't cry in the store but almost as I watched the daddy check his phone with one hand as he gently bounced the baby in his other arm...I started wondering how little (or big really) Sammy's feet would look hanging out of Dave's arms as he checked his phone. I guess this is how it'll be now. Wondering how it could have been. Most of the time I understand and accept that this is how it was meant to be for us and Sammy. He lived his days and started making his mark here...

And if I'm completely honest - really I can't imagine a scenario in which I talked Dave into carrying Sammy around Michaels while I shop. They totally woulda been chillin' in the car. But then if I really think about it (these hormones are no joke people) the chances that I would have gone shopping with a week old son are pretty slim...wouldn't have needed a distraction or been so purposeful about *not* wearing maternity clothes this soon.

That's been my weekend. Trying to distract myself and not spend the whole thing crying. My eyes haven't been this puffy since the week of our anatomy ultrasound. Thinking about that brought me to a realization this morning at church (epic fail = trying not to cry my first day back at church). I don't really like crying in front of people, mostly because I don't like my cry face or cry voice, but also because I feel like it's just stating the obvious to say why/what's making me cry PLUS I'd have the cry face/voice. *cringe*

Why are you crying?

*I want my baby.

*I shouldn't be walking into church in regular clothes without a baby - remember!?! I was pregnant 2 weeks ago.

*We shouldn't be walking into church as a twosome - remember?!? I was pregnant 2 weeks ago.

Which leads me to my realization about why I appreciate this blog. I can sit here with tears and snot running down my face. I feel ok letting the sadness wash over me, I don't feel like I have to be strong or that I need to "get over it". I realize it's self imposed pressure to be strong and get over it around others but still. I don't know if anyone except Dave and my mom have even seen me cry in the last 10 days (and anyone watching at church this morning I guess) and I bet I've only explained myself a couple times.

This really is cheap therapy and probably reassurance for Dave and my mom that I am processing, even if it's not out loud to them. *sigh*

October 15th is

national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

My favorite 27 year old brother sent me a link to a song back in May and it was the song running through my head yesterday as I mourned the loss of my baby. Specifically the chorus. Guess what? The Lord thought I should be reminded of how incredible He is and had a new friend email me the story of her baby and some scriptures that ministered to her. One of those verses? The chorus to the song that had been running through my head all day.

I love being bombarded with the same Truth. Makes it hard to miss the point, well, most of the time. And I am encouraged by this verse because it *doesn't* say "you won't ever be faced with anything hard or bad or seemingly impossible". It does say "I will be with you, you will not be destroyed by what comes your way".

Enter the Worship Circle - You Are Mine (click the link to listen on youtube)

Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

one week ago...

...i was just getting relief from the pain of labor...

i didn't think at the start of this day that i would be posting here. i also didn't think i would be able to stop crying. but i am. and i did.

so yeah it's been a week. i woke up this morning and felt as if i hadn't slept at all. i slept for at least 10 hours. my subconscious musta been working over time, i was sad from the inside out before i even had a chance to think about "last week at this time". (btw - at the time I wrote this sentence last week, the dr was telling me it was time to push and i was requesting a 20 minute power nap first).

i made the decision to shower right away and get out of the house. dave has gone to work for a bit each of the last couple days so it's been me and my mama chilling. i technically did get "out" of the house yesterday...some jehovah's witness knocked on the gate and i went out before realizing who they were...kinda doesn't count, didn't even open the gate...

so we made it out of the house for real. we went to get some photo brag books for my family members that don't have the internet and haven't seen pictures of Sammy. i really can't wait to get started on the books, we got some cute paper and alligator stickers to decorate the little pages. i don't have the patience for a whole scrapbook so a mini-fake one will have to do and most likely will not outlast my attention span. (and i can't lie, chicken stickers did catch my eye but i *will not*, i repeat *will not* start collecting chickens).

it was good to get out but not easy. as we were talking about which book she would want and how it would have room for my niece (who's due in 5 weeks!) i realized we'll never get to update the pictures of Sammy. so we cried in the middle of the isle for a minute. and then we got in line behind a daddy, big sister, auntie, and a mama wearing her very young baby in a carrier. in the moment it was just hard to see. the first baby item i ever bought was a moby wrap, i debated about bringing it to the hospital even. (i didn't). the baby had lots of dark hair, was a girl, and probably weighed half of what Sammy did but it still hurt. i was never so glad to see a baby leave as i was when the dad took her out of the carrier and out to the car.

somehow that felt like a test and i felt like i passed and then i was ok. we went to print out pictures to fill the brag books and stopped at the mall for a pretzel. looking through the pictures and planning which ones to display and thinking about how much each the people receiving them would love them helped i'm sure. at the mall i got excited to be a personal shopper for my mom...she will really rock some of the latest fall fashions she just needs a little nudge to do it. lucky for her i'm a nudger.

so overall, not a horrible day but not a great one. i'm really just watching the clock and thinking about last week at this time. thanks for the prayers, before i even spent much time thinking about it people were texting and emailing that they were praying for us today. Preemptive reminders that Jesus is always looking out for me.

time didn't stop...

...but it kinda did? I realized today that I haven't stepped outside the house since Saturday and that doesn't really bother me but on some level it does. I swear I will write out the story of what happened soon. I've spent a lot of time emailing back and forth with some dear women who are destined to be life long friends. We are all wading these waters of carrying a baby with anencephaly as long as the Lord allows us and I know I enjoy talking about my experiences and hearing about all that they are feeling and doing as well.

I talked with my dad tonight and told him that I kinda feel like I'm doing "too good". Someone who's baby just died 5 days shouldn't be able to function as well as I am. And I guess my only criteria for thinking I'm functioning well is that fact that I'm not crying nonstop (I mean didn't I just say I haven't left the house for 4 days?). I definitely have teary spells...Saturday morning when I woke up everywhere I looked was a reminder that I wasn't pregnant anymore and I didn't have a baby home with me either. It hurt to look at my maternity clothes, it hurt to be able to sleep and roll over *without* hurting (does that make sense?). Yesterday when it looked like we wouldn't be able to make our casts of Sammy's foot because the molds were shrinking and cracking - it immediately brought tears to my eyes and felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. We were able to make the 3-d casts and they are adorable.

The Lord is so faithful and His timing is so perfect. We've had people bring supper each night since Saturday. Tonight when Melissa (my pregnancy shoot photographer) brought supper she also spent some time praying with me and encouraging me. I couldn't say much in response to anything she said because I was so close to tears. She and I had just looked through some of our Sammy photo's, I missed my nap today (lol), and was just having a tough moment. She prayed and it helped restored peace to my soul.

We got ready to eat the food she brought...chicken! My first chicken in months, it was going to be a test, did Sammy ruin my ability to eat chicken forever or not? I put some on my plate and cut the first bite. Dave's phone rang and I could tell immediately it was a call about Sammy. My first thought was it was LOPA and something was wrong with his valves and they wouldn't be used (I put my fork down). Turns out it was the funeral home, his "remains" (I don't know why I have to put that in quotes, makes it seem less harsh to me or something) are ready for pick up. That just hurts. My rolly polly, soft and squishy baby is "remains". We hugged and cried for a bit...then I looked down at my plate and saw the bite of chicken that I had literally cut and put on my fork the second BEFORE the phone rang.

People, Sammy is *still* trying to stop me from eating chicken. :-) This boy will not stop and I love him even more for it. A lot of mama's have different things that remind them of their babies that are gone, things like butterflies, rainbows, or beautiful trees. My baby is keeping his legacy rolling with chicken. Seriously. SMH I will *not* start collecting chicken statues or chicken pictures though - promise.

Random other info - within 24 hours of having Sammy it seems my crazy pregnancy signs went away. Everything I ate tasted the way it was supposed. My toothpaste doesn't make me nauseous and my back teeth on the top are quite happy to be included each time I brush :-) I feel very fortunate...as soon as I noticed my milk was coming in we bound me up with an ace bandage and so far I am not in much pain. I would say almost no pain...I haven't had to use ice packs or anything. And I love my crazy shaped body. Honestly it's weird to say I love my body. But right now it's proof that I carried and grew a baby. I love it.

You know what else I love? My pit crew. I feel like some kind of race car (albeit a really slow, basically non-moving race car) and there is a team of people keeping me running. Dave and my mom are such an incredible blessing right now. They have lotsa time to rest with me but I feel incredibly spoiled by the great care they are giving me. And I don't want them to ever leave but I'm pretty sure they'll have to at some point.

So that's kinda how things are now. I feel like I'm doing too good, but I haven't left the house in 4ish days. Time is almost non-existant. I sleep, I correspond with friends online and share pictures of Sammy with anyone and everyone that I know.

I have loved having people stop by to see pictures or visit. I'm a little surprised, I don't usually get energy from being around others but right now I totally am. We average a group of visitors a day (ranging from 1 to 4 people) and that seems to be a perfect rate. Thank you for all the encouragement, prayers, visits and meals. We can feel the love.

oh yeah -

I know information has been scarce here on the blog and it just occurred to me that I hadn't shared about one of the big surprise answers' to prayer. At about 1am Friday morning our wonderful nurse came back into the room and told us that in the course of doing the required paperwork for Sammy she had contacted LOPA - an organ donation organization. Because of Sammy's size and age he was eligible to donate his heart valves!

Our first question was when would they need him? Translated - how much time would we have with him? Since it allowed for us to spend the night with him we agreed to it. Sammy baby has the potential to help out 4 other little babies.

****SMILE****

Way to *grow* baby!

my lil chunk

I promise one day I will write out the story of labor and delivery.

Today is not that day and I'm not sure tomorrow will be either.

It was a wonderful day that culminated with finally meeting the precious baby boy that had been beating me up from the inside for the last 20ish weeks.

He is my little chunk.

It occurred to me last night I was probably correct

in saying he was reminding me to eat

every couple hours.

*taken by our Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer - Sara*

*this is the screen saver on Dave's phone, my phone, and my mom's phone*

*photo taken by Brenna Larson*

can't.stop.thinking.about.those.cheeks.

*photo taken by Brenna Larson*

*Dave putting a diaper on his son.*

*Look at those legs! LOVE.*

Sammy's bday :-)

Just wanted to quick update cause I know y'all all don't get the emails we had a friend sending out.

Sammy was born at 9:47pm weighing 8.8 lbs and 20 inches long. He is by far the chunkiest newborn I have ever seen!! He was born still but was kind enough to answer an inquiry from Dave right before I started pushing and kept kicking/punching til the very end.

More later - we are going to enjoy a few hours with our little man.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Oh boy - here we go!

Our induction date was moved up to October 7th - technically we'll go in on the 6th and start with some a more natural, gentle induction and should that not get everything going then, they'll start the pitocin on Thursday morning at like 6am or something. My Mom and Duane got here last night at midnight and we spent the day running errands and napping :-)

Someone will be sending out updates as things progress...either Dave or our friend Donna. I know I'm always curious about how things are going when people are in the process of labor and delivery :-) I gotta admit, I'm pretty focused on the labor process right now. If you could join us in prayer, here's a quick list of prayer requests...

• traveling mercies as Sharonne & Laura drive down, leaving MI at 4am Tuesday the 5th and arriving here 18-20 hours later (they are an hour away as of this post - so far so good!)
• for my body to progress enough that the gentle induction methods will be enough to get things going Wednesday evening
• for a peaceful labor process...
• of course for Sammy's healing!
• 2nd best case scenario - we don't have to break my bag of waters and it helps protect his head through the birth process...which seems like an impossibility in all the reading I've done so that would be a HUGE answer to prayer...
• for some time with Sammy

Our church does a prayer and worship service on Wednesday nights so the tentative plan is to head straight to the hospital from that service. I feel that will be an amazingly peaceful way to begin it all.

as promised...

Dave just asked if I had ever imagined that I would paint my belly and hang it out for the world to see. I said no. And I might regret this at some point in life but today it's fun and *I* think reeeealll cute.

This is what you get Sammy - for hanging out until October....

Happy Fall!

*painted prego belly and a shelf shot? classy*

*painter ladies*

*fall bug*

The fall bug hit me today. I came across a website that was advertising all their fall wonderfulness and I had to take part. Immediately. I have a few decorations that I need to get out of my seasonal decor box but I also knew I wanted a fallish table runner.

As I wandered around the stores enjoying the fall candle smells and decor I felt this urgency to take it all in. Then I realized, somehow in my mind, time ends when Sammy is born. He'll be born in early October and there will be plenty of fall and fallness to partake in after that...except in my mind it stops at Sammy's birth.

I just don't want to think about after. It'll come soon enough.