I used to be able to pinpoint why I was feeling a certain way. Or really I guess I had a norm and if I was not acting the norm I blamed my monthly cycle of hormones or stress for the craziness. Pregnancy threw a wrench in that, you know, crying about Lady Gaga songs on the radio or Intel commercials on TV. Add to that the crazy that is grief? And starting a new job (even though I love my new job it's an added layer of stress)? I can no longer pinpoint or blame any one thing for my extreme emotions. I am, for the sake of those around me, trying to verbalize when I know I am acting extreme.
Anyway, as my coworkers were sharing their "life maps" I found myself holding back tears as they shared the important events that led them to New Orleans and our school. I *do* come from a family of cryers, mostly on my dad's side, but I could tell it was just an emotional day. Because of pregnancy, busy at work exhaustion (expounded by pregnancy?), or weakened emotional state because of grief??? Doesn't matter I guess but it was an interesting day to get a thread of emails in my inbox dedicated to another mom's anxiety about her anencephalic baby's due date approaching.
**side note - my fantastic mom found an online support group for mom's carrying anencephalic babies to term, which is where I got these emails and where I get lots of information from families who have gone through it or are going through it.**
I feel that pressure too. Tomorrow will mark 29 weeks that I have been carrying Sammy! I swear this turn over to 30 will feel equally important as when I myself turn 30 *years* old. For Sammy it will be the start of a count down. We will meet with our new doctor next Thursday (July 22nd) and hopefully make at least a loose plan for Sammy's birthday. This is where the planner in me can fights the hoarder in me that wants to keep Sammy kickin' in there forever.
If you think of us, keep us in your prayers. As we wade closer to Sammy's due date that we are able to find that peace...if it means crying every night until he's born, I would do it so that I can enjoy those moments we are hoping to get with him.
*sigh*
Dear Melissa,
ReplyDeleteYour mom has shared your blog site with us and I just wanted you to know that you are in our prayers. I don't want to get your hopes up falsely but I wanted to share with you what happened just a month ago with some other friend's baby. Their baby, also a boy was diagnosed in utero as having severe physical problems. The prognosis was not good at all. To make a very long story short...he was born with none of the predicted anomalies that the experts had said. I believe in miracles and I will pray for one for you, your husband, and your baby son, Samuel.
P.S. I love the name!
Sincerely, Cindy Martens
(a friend of your mom's from Community Celebration Church now living in Fairmont, MN)