we're so busy!

celebrating big bro's bday (closest to a 5mo pic we got this month) 

supervising pumpkin carving

mama was there too!

visiting with Boppa and Great Grandpa

...bathing in the sink after the poo'splosion.
learning that hands can splash! what fun!

playing with Nana's new toys...
...pooing on Nana's new toys...

And! And! Eating "solid" food!
Dr recommended, Mama's not ready, baby boy enjoyed. 

happy birthday my forever baby

Confess, your kiss still knocks me off my legs.The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chestand I will forever, ‘cause you’ll forever bemy one true broken heart, pieces inside of me 
and you’ll forever, my baby be.
You will rest your head, your strength once saving.And when you wake you will fly away,holding tight to the legs of all your angels.Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,your blue, blue world, you're my baby blue.
Confess I'm not quite ready to be left.Still, I know I gave my level best.You give, you give, to this I can attestYou made me, you made me.You and me forever, baby.

DMB - Baby Blue

seamless

took me a minute to think of a title to that *kind of* describes my heart, my mind, my grief, my love and missingness for my 1st baby boy. 

the weather broke. just the same way it has for the last two years. october 1st means cool. It also means the final decent into his birthday. 

saturday i cried thinking about planning a second birthday party. considered having one at the zoo anyway - only we would know that the birthday boy isn't actually *at* the party. i think i'm going to do mini rainbow cupcakes regardless of what we do. 

sunday during the saints game we chatted about next week's game and i hesitated to plan the game time hangout at our house. couldn't figure out why but i just didn't commit. then it hit me - 2nd birthday. i'm really not much of a party person. we grew up having family birthday parties and in middle and high school did more friend parties...but it also seems weird to do nothing. especially with all the brain time i've committed to october 7th anyway. 

the cooking/baking has continued. combined and tweaked a couple chicken enchilada recipes, tried a mexican sweet corn cake recipe, 2 kinds of bread and a batch of cookies last weekend. the cookies have been my sorry-i'm-late gifts to my team at work when i roll in a little late these last couple days.

 it's just hard this time of year. 

thrift store jammies...didn't notice the words on the feet til we got home

finding Sammy

y'all. 

I shouldn't be surprised anymore. Sammy is so deeply imbedded in my entire being. Last week I was tired. More tired than the standard, I-have-an-infant-that-doesn't-sleep-through-the-night tired. Thursday to Saturday Dave couldn't do *anything* right. 

Memories and remembering are all about 2 years ago...those final weeks. 

Saturday I figured it out. Hey - I'm sad my baby died 2 years ago. That happened! And it is still sad! So instead of letting it subconsciously warp me, I decided to embrace and acknowledge it. This looks like tears and baking 16 mini loaves of bread. My usual coping mechanism would be shopping (case in point, last year's *need* for a dining room table) but I cannot afford that this year. So shopping for baking ingredients will have to do. 

There are obvious triggers...and more subtle ones. Obviously watching Isabel with Oakley makes me think of how Sammy would be interacting with Jake. More subtly, baking zucchini bread makes me think of this grief process. 

Grief over the years is like the zucchini in the bread. 

2010

There it is! Grief Zucchini! Can't mistake that! 

2011
Mmm, yeah, that's grief zucchini all mixed up with the rest of life ingredients.

2012 - until??

Here we are...lookin' like delicious chocolate sweet bread...what's that? 

Grief the hidden ingredient that still flavors the whole loaf. 

4 months

Oh man, you've changed so much in the last month.

Sleep: I guess this hasn't changed too much. You will randomly sleep through the night (9pm-5am) but usually you're up at least once between 1-3am. *shrug* I figure if you get up and the paci doesn't appease you, must be because you're hungry. 

I have milk supply insecurity. I feel like I'm barely keeping up with you so when ever you're unconsolable I feed you. That makes me insecure too. *rolling eyes* What I learned about feeding you is that when it's just me and you (during Hurricane Isaac), we do juuuuust fine. It's this work and pumping business that makes life more difficult. Oops - this is supposed to be about you and your 4 months of life. 

Play: You grab at stuff. You've started reaching for my phone when I try to snap your picture. I bring toys places because you seem to like to grab at them and put them in your mouth. When I picked you up at daycare today (4 months 1.5 weeks) you were in a exersaucer punchin' at the toys on it cause your fingers couldn't quite get it done. 

Ms. Sharon says you love it when your baby friend Sara pulls up on the exersaucer and looks at you. You smile and stare back. You love people! Always have! We went to a Saturday work meeting last Saturday and you chilled the whole time, being passed from teacher to teacher. For a while you chatted back with the presenter, cooing and gooing at the back of the room. 

During the hurricane you found your pointer finger and in the last week you've found your thumb. It's pretty funny to watch you stick that thumb up into your paci. 

Growth: You wear size 2 diapers and most of your clothes now are 6 month size...some 9 month. !! You apparently had your first ear infection. At your 4 month visit the doctor saw it. You hadn't been abnormally fussy or anything! Even after your shot you were smiling at the doctor. He was impressed with your pain thresh hold. I was more upset about the ear infection then you were. It seemed everyone asked about you last week so I was reliving the frustration. I wish I was home with you all day, then you wouldn't have picked this up from daycare. :-/

Next you'll hit 5 months on what could have been your brother's 2 year birthday. Crazy. 

4 months

Details about the last month to come *smile*

1st ear infection diagnosed today *frown*

15 lbs 11 oz - 75th percentile

26 inches - 95th percentile

Had to do some nervous baking tonight as my new nephew was being born! So exciting. 

Couldn't help but think of waiting for his sister to be born...just 6 short weeks after Sammy...