finding Sammy

y'all. 

I shouldn't be surprised anymore. Sammy is so deeply imbedded in my entire being. Last week I was tired. More tired than the standard, I-have-an-infant-that-doesn't-sleep-through-the-night tired. Thursday to Saturday Dave couldn't do *anything* right. 

Memories and remembering are all about 2 years ago...those final weeks. 

Saturday I figured it out. Hey - I'm sad my baby died 2 years ago. That happened! And it is still sad! So instead of letting it subconsciously warp me, I decided to embrace and acknowledge it. This looks like tears and baking 16 mini loaves of bread. My usual coping mechanism would be shopping (case in point, last year's *need* for a dining room table) but I cannot afford that this year. So shopping for baking ingredients will have to do. 

There are obvious triggers...and more subtle ones. Obviously watching Isabel with Oakley makes me think of how Sammy would be interacting with Jake. More subtly, baking zucchini bread makes me think of this grief process. 

Grief over the years is like the zucchini in the bread. 

2010

There it is! Grief Zucchini! Can't mistake that! 

2011
Mmm, yeah, that's grief zucchini all mixed up with the rest of life ingredients.

2012 - until??

Here we are...lookin' like delicious chocolate sweet bread...what's that? 

Grief the hidden ingredient that still flavors the whole loaf.