stop and write - 35 weeks

That's what I need to do when I'm thinking of things. As I cleaned out the baby's room I thought of about a million things I wanted to share with y'all but this morning it's all gone.

I would say I'm in nesting mode. I want everything clean and ready, just in case. I'm only 35 weeks so that makes me way to eager...chances are this babe is gonna hang out for 4 more weeks. Plenty of time to clean, but just in case...the flip side of that is I've been quiet hesitant to take things out of their boxes or to remove the tags from all the clothes I've gotten. I can rationalize it with "it's so early" and "what if someone else gets me one of those and I need to return one". But the reality is I fear. I fear coming home with empty arms to a house ready for a baby. I'm healthy and the baby is healthy so it seems like an irrational fear most of the time. But it's strong enough to keep those tags in place.

The baby - no name yet. I just can't commit to one. All the front runners seem to start with J so he gets called baby J or sometimes just J. I think I'll just need to see him. I've had a couple dreams about his birth lately, well, about me holding him after he's born anyway. He was cute :-) At my last ultrasound the doctor pointed out a fuzzy ring surrounding his head - hair! Lotsa hair she said. And even though he had his hands clasped up in front of his face at one point we got to see a giant bubble cheek. !! A hairy, cheeky baby boy! At that point he was also measuring 1lb 7oz larger than the "average" baby at 33 weeks...yikes.

So J. We still have a morning dance party between 545-7am. I notice hiccups almost every evening between 8-9pm. These last couple of days he's gotten into doing some stretches, all of the sudden his little booty will poke out near the right side of my rib cage. It's getting harder to find a reprieve from the slight hip pain I get from lying on one side too long in the night. I had been able to lie on my back a couple times a night but all his growing is making that uncomfortable. Occasionally I can't even switch sides because some body part of his gets jammed up uncomfortably on some organ or bone of mine.

Here's a question for some of you baby loss moms...how much "older dead brother" memorabilia is too much for the baby's room? Sorry if that's crass, it's where I'm at today. I have a few Sammy-related gorgeous picture frames and wall hangings that I would like to put in J's room amidst lots of other wall hangings...how have y'all handled it?

As a last note, I want to share this post with you. Kristin's first baby, a girl, died at 26 weeks gestation just a few days before we got Sammy's diagnosis. She is a friend of my sister-in-laws. She had her second baby, a boy, just a couple weeks ago and this is their birth story. Grab some tissue, I'm tempted to say if you don't cry something's wrong with you but that just might be my hormones talking. The post almost makes me wish I had taken a Hypnobirthing class...reading half the book last time did me some good - Kristin makes it sound so easy!

happens to the best of us

I tried my hardest to keep it together, but after about 12 hours of only a few gentle pokes I just needed some piece of mind.

Thursday morning I woke up and realized that the usual dance party in my belly that happens between 5:30am-7am had not happened. I drank some orange juice and waited for a few minutes...felt a couple gentle pokes and moved on with my busy day. I just knew that after breakfast he'd perk up...and then I just knew that after lunch he'd perk up...or maybe if I have a little bit of candy in the afternoon...

I wasn't satisfied with the gentle pokes so after work we went up to Labor and Delivery for a non-stress test. Baby is fine, but it was like being hooked up to those monitors my body just knew what to do and started contracting. Nothing major, I could feel the tightness and it wasn't painful. Doctor said to HYDRATE - make sure I was getting enough water. No restrictions.

Yesterday I woke up to the usual dance party and lots of body parts poking out on either side of my belly.

I didn't want to be that overreacting, too worried mama, but I was. I told one person at work Thursday how I was feeling with the disclaimer "Lightening doesn't strike twice does it?" Unfortunately, I know better and even saying it made me nervous. Did I ever mention about the time I joked with friends on May 11, 2010 that my baby probably had half a brain? Only to find out on May 12, 2010 that my baby did, indeed, have only half a brain?

I don't like this baggage but it's not going anywhere soon.

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In other pregnant-after-a-baby-loss-news, I have had the opportunity to talk about Sammy a few times this week. I was at a training Monday and Tuesday and met some new people on Friday so I was asked The Question. "Is this your first?" Even the time I gave a half answer "first living child", it came up again so I got to explain. It's a strange feeling, wishing someone here but yet glad to have a chance to mention his existence. Feeling like half-a-mom having been through pregnancy and child birth but not having experienced the exhaustion of a newborn or a toddler.

Yup. I loved talking about my Sammy this week.

in case you missed it

that's our newest photo of handsome baby J on the sidebar

looks like a strong possibility he's got Sammy's cheeks

Weekends are for baby

Here is the cast of characters. The dresser (that I had), the cupboard, the lamp shade-to-be-mobile, and an old window frame. The last three we found last weekend at an antique store in the French Quarter.

There is a definite switch in my mind. Sunday night - time to start thinking about school. Friday night - time to start thinking and planning for baby. This almost caused me to miss out on ordering my fabric but Tuesday I committed and here's what I got:

Michael Miller - Stripe, Feeling Groovy, and Zoology in Charcoal

It's more muted than I expected, the yellow looks a little brighter in pictures than in person. That convinced me that I could commit to turquoise furniture :-) So today I bought some Anne Sloan Chalk Paint in Provence (sp?). It almost perfectly matches turquoise in the fabric. Dresser drawers have been painted! Pictures of that to come once they have dried.

Here is the ginormous lamp shade I found last week, after 1 hour of deconstruction. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do with it to "mobilize" it...some felt, some fabric...maybe some paint on the frame, maybe some yarn in coordinating colors...still waiting for the perfect inspiration.

little words

2 posts in one day? For real.

In vs For

"in everything give thanks" 1 Thess 5:18

I've tried to articulate the point I heard on the radio Wednesday but this dude had it down. I am not thankful *for* every circumstance or thing that has come my way. No indeed. If you're honest, you would say the same. Some things just suck. But. I can be thankful *in* every circumstance for something.

SMH - try and tell me God doesn't care about the little things...

*Thanksgiving 2010 I started my first flour sack towel with the word gratitude on it. I saw the word on Etsy on some craft and it stuck with me.

*Spring 2011 I started reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It's all about gratitude. It's a heady read, but so worth it.

*My counselor's advice on getting through tough moments? Think of 5 things you're thankful for.

I cannot escape the concept. I cannot stop making flour sack towels without the word gratitude on them. I've added the word choose. Choose gratitude. There has to be something in life to be thankful for. Dig deep if you have to.

"in everything give thanks" - it'll change your life.

ideas, ideas, & an update

Here's where I tell you about how I've spent my weekends focusing on things of little importance but things of great fun for me. *smile* I've been thinking a lot about the baby's room. I do enjoy a nice coordinated room, but really my style is more eclectic. This is obvious to me in the *hopefully working* collage picture below.

You can see the color of the walls in a couple of the pictures and I tried to make the background match a bit...taupe. I really like Michael Miller's Sea color palate (that's the fabric in the picture below). But of course I have other things that I love and want to hang up that don't exactly match *shrug* it's a plan, it can change. Did I say eclectic yet?

That's a dresser that I started painting a few years ago, hoping it would end up in a baby's room. I gave it away last summer and then got it back recently. The drawers are still brown and hopefully will be painted in the next few weeks to match something in the room.

On the dresser are a couple old t-shirts that I decided I shouldn't wear anymore, but were too fun to throw, so I framed them and they will hang on the wall. The little blue bags hold felt balls that I want to use in the mobile? possibly? with the yellow felt yarn (Anthro clearance rack finds). That's a fox. It's super soft, same brand as Sammy's gator and kinda the same color as Sammy's hair. We couldn't pass it up.

What's that? A random red J? Well, you see, at the same Anthro after Christmas sale they had their ornaments on sale so, just in case, I bought a *sale priced* J. We have not settled on a name, but J names seem to appeal to both Dave and I so...it'll be on the tree with Sammy's S eventually, if we do indeed land on a J name. Glad I didn't by the M in November, at full price, when I was convinced baby boy was a girl.

That's what we have so far. I have lots more ideas though! We're going out to troll some antique shops and thrift stores today. I would love to find a lamp shade to repurpose and a wardrobe to fix up. I will be looking for a sweet window frame to showcase some of those fabrics and maybe some modern/cute/boy graphic art.

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We have another ultrasound next week - can't wait to see baby boy again. Hopefully he'll be turned face up so we can see his profile. I'll only be 27 weeks so I don't have high hopes for chubby cheeks but! that'd be nice to see too.

I don't know if I've mentioned it here but when I wake up at night to turn over or something, I have been purposeful about thanking God for the good sleep I was getting. Thursday night, 5 hours straight! And then last night, up every 1-1.5 hours to pee. I've also been having this pain in my butt. I self diagnosed posterior pelvic pain because it wasn't shooting down my legs (sciatica does that) but Dr. v burst my bubble on Thursday. It is, indeed, sciatica. Nothing to do but wait for it to go away. And then! Amy took that burst bubble and rubbed it in my face...she had to deal with sciatica for 8-10 months after her Avery was born. Pregnancy is not for wimps. Just sayin'.

Overall though, I'm feeling good. Excited to hold my boy and trying to enjoy making choices based on what *I* want for the next 13-14 weeks.