I would say I'm in nesting mode. I want everything clean and ready, just in case. I'm only 35 weeks so that makes me way to eager...chances are this babe is gonna hang out for 4 more weeks. Plenty of time to clean, but just in case...the flip side of that is I've been quiet hesitant to take things out of their boxes or to remove the tags from all the clothes I've gotten. I can rationalize it with "it's so early" and "what if someone else gets me one of those and I need to return one". But the reality is I fear. I fear coming home with empty arms to a house ready for a baby. I'm healthy and the baby is healthy so it seems like an irrational fear most of the time. But it's strong enough to keep those tags in place.
The baby - no name yet. I just can't commit to one. All the front runners seem to start with J so he gets called baby J or sometimes just J. I think I'll just need to see him. I've had a couple dreams about his birth lately, well, about me holding him after he's born anyway. He was cute :-) At my last ultrasound the doctor pointed out a fuzzy ring surrounding his head - hair! Lotsa hair she said. And even though he had his hands clasped up in front of his face at one point we got to see a giant bubble cheek. !! A hairy, cheeky baby boy! At that point he was also measuring 1lb 7oz larger than the "average" baby at 33 weeks...yikes.
So J. We still have a morning dance party between 545-7am. I notice hiccups almost every evening between 8-9pm. These last couple of days he's gotten into doing some stretches, all of the sudden his little booty will poke out near the right side of my rib cage. It's getting harder to find a reprieve from the slight hip pain I get from lying on one side too long in the night. I had been able to lie on my back a couple times a night but all his growing is making that uncomfortable. Occasionally I can't even switch sides because some body part of his gets jammed up uncomfortably on some organ or bone of mine.
Here's a question for some of you baby loss moms...how much "older dead brother" memorabilia is too much for the baby's room? Sorry if that's crass, it's where I'm at today. I have a few Sammy-related gorgeous picture frames and wall hangings that I would like to put in J's room amidst lots of other wall hangings...how have y'all handled it?
As a last note, I want to share this post with you. Kristin's first baby, a girl, died at 26 weeks gestation just a few days before we got Sammy's diagnosis. She is a friend of my sister-in-laws. She had her second baby, a boy, just a couple weeks ago and this is their birth story. Grab some tissue, I'm tempted to say if you don't cry something's wrong with you but that just might be my hormones talking. The post almost makes me wish I had taken a Hypnobirthing class...reading half the book last time did me some good - Kristin makes it sound so easy!
To be honest with you Melissa, you can use whatever you want in the new baby's room. I think it is good and healthy to remember our babies who are not with us, and to share that with our new children. They were just as much part of us as our living children, so why not? I have a wall next to my bed that I have dedicated to Desi's memorabilia. Gabs still sleep half the night in our bed, so she sees it all the time. It has created some pretty neat conversations with her. She is 3 and understanding more about life and death. She sees Desi as her "baby" brother because I only have a baby picture of him, but he was older than her! :)
ReplyDeleteSo do what YOU feel is right! You can always take it down if you don't feel right after a while. If it is healing then DO IT!!!