miscarriage in the news?

Read this article from the New York Times.

1. I'm glad the reporter went there...

2. I have a book that comes highly recommended in the baby loss community and it starts off stating facts like this article. I stopped reading the book before I finished the first chapter and I guess I'm not ready to start it back up again. I HATE the clinical, sterilized statements...even if they are true.

*sigh*

3. I don't generally read the New York Times :-) I saw this article on some media feed Dave has on his phone. I also don't watch Matt Laeur interviews or most anything where a US President is involved but I am tempted to find it and at least watch part of it.

on prayer or maybe grace?

Yesterday I found myself dealing with a problem that is partially my fault and I was hoping mostly someone else's fault. It involves the hospital and the insurance company so I was ready to dig in for some long and confusing phone calls. I thought back to my experience fighting for financial aid every semester, visiting the financial aid office each week for 4-5 weeks until someone who knew what they were talking about happened to be at the desk. *sigh*

Turned into quite the day. I thought it was over when I had to take lady #2's phone number to call her back because I couldn't talk through the tears (really sobs). It started out as laughter over the absurdity of the situation and then when I had to explain why the laughter was turning to sobs, lady #1 transferred me to lady #2. An hour or so later when I was good and calm I looked at my phone and noticed I had missed a call from the hospital. To my surprise, it was lady #2 calling me back to tell me she had looked into the situation (that I never had a chance to describe to her) and had been in touch with the insurance company who saw that it was their mistake. Everything is on hold now while the hospital audits the charges and the insurance company figures out why and how they are going to fix their mistake.

I didn't realize how much it was all stressing me out until there was some resolve. I was shocked and happy that the ladies I talked with on the phone didn't just dismiss me and my problem. I was shocked and happy that it was indeed a mistake on the part of someone other than myself. After I noticed the immediate mood change I thought 'what a great answer to prayer'. And then I realized that I had never really prayed about the whole problem in the first place and changed it to 'thanks for lookin' out Lord'.

It's the second time in a week that I realized my thoughts about prayer are in limbo. I know what I know (scripture) and I know what I've experienced but they don't seem to match up.

Matthew 7:7-8, 11

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened...If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!"

I can pray earnestly for other people the prayers that I have seen the Lord answer for me. I trust that the Lord knows best how to answer all prayers and understand that my preferred answers do not always align with his.

Isaiah 55:8-9

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,

Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

So are My ways higher than your ways

And My thoughts than your thoughts."

I guess that's where I struggle right now, accepting that his thoughts are not my thoughts and his ways are not my ways. That's not so much a limbo as it is hard-headedness. Today I will be thankful for the grace and mercy of the Lord as I work through this. And I am reminded to lean on and be comforted by this:

Romans 8:1, 26-28

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

this

this

is what i mean when i say "grief makes me feel crazy"

this

blog is like

reading some great articulation of my heart

this

is possibly my favorite blog post of all time

checkin' in

It has been a busy weekend!

We went out for supper with some friends Friday evening for the first time since Sammy was born. I didn't even realize until today that it was the first time in about 10 months that I sat and watched everyone else eat appetizers while I waited for an entree. Seriously, for months I walked into a restaurant knowing the beverage and appetizer I was going to order and dared any waiter to look me in the eye without taking my order. Funny what changes when you are no longer growing a human inside you.

Saturday I attempted to make eggs benedict for Lindsay's pre-bday shopping extravaganza. After an initial poached egg FAIL we were able to successfully poach some eggs...but whew - that's about all that worked. I swear I was successful at eggs benedict last time. As stated, the rest of the day was spent shopping where I spent $0 and Lindsay found almost everything that she had on her list...including some sweet dance moves courtesy of Hillari, myself, and an impromptu Express back room dance party. So to recap: eggs benedict 1, Lindsay 1, Express dominated by melissa & hillari.

Tis' the season for b-days tomorrow. HBD Isaac & Lindsay! We grilled for Isaac today and hung out. Tomorrow is Lindsay's official bday rock-n-bowl celebration. I wish I could accurately describe the wonder that is New Orleans Rock-n-Bowl...should be a great night!

In all my spare time this weekend I have been contemplating happiness vs joy vs contentment. You know, nothing much. Because I'm not working or looking at calendars I hadn't put together that today was the 7th, one month since Sammy was born. A few other people were on top of this and reminded me. I've been busy but honestly at this point I'm still counting Thursdays...I guess time will probably necessitate the eventual transition to counting months instead of weeks. *sigh*

Starry Night

It's taken two bitter drafts to get to this post...here's hoping that's all worked out.

Thanks to everyone who left encouragement here yesterday or emailed, facebooked, or texted me some...SMH, typing that last sentence is when I realized just how much encouragement I did receive yesterday. I've recognized the Lord's faithfulness to provide a husband and friends to drag me out of my sadness. After a short poutfest with Lindsay this morning, we were able to remember many of the positive things that Sammy accomplished in his short life and that helps me. Yes, I count his 10 months of womb time as life. I don't feel bad about being sad or pouting, I know it's part of the process, I just don't like it. I'm serious, we're 3 for 3 on days I didn't want to get out of bed but someone called and wanted to do something I would generally enjoy so I made myself do it (food/shopping, pedicure, a visit). It just took this 3rd try at this post to make me see all the other ways He's provided for me this week. Thanks for powering through my grief Lord...

I want to share the story of how we picked out Sammy's urn (hence 2 bitter versions of this post). But I don't think it's going to work out today so I will share a picture of it instead.

This is in the corner of our living room right now. Turns out there are about 100 reasons why choosing this moon shaped urn was the best decision for us. #1 being the rest of them sucked. LOL - I have avoided that word on my blog for *so long* because my mom drilled it into my head as a teenager that it is a horrible word. But it's just the word I want to use when I describe the entire event that is "the urn". So there it is, and there it will probably remain as the only time it appears out of a literal context on this blog. LOL

I decided to try and write for the 3rd time today because I was reminded of a song I heard on the radio a couple weeks ago. I only had this to go on when I googled to figure out what the whole song was: "moon reflects the sun lyrics". Riiiiight. Mad props to google for working that out amidst all the science jargon I was not interested in. The melody of the song annoys me so much that I'm tempted to get a guitar, teach myself to play it (again), and record my own unplugged version...then I realize I'm too lazy for all that and I can't sing anyway. But I love the lyrics because they remind me of Sammy (he has a star and his moon) and my hopes for all this mess (that we somehow reflect the Son).

Starry Night by Chris August

found his acoustic version on youtube! click on the title to listen to it

From the Birds that Sing, In the Tallest Trees.

To the Human Life, of you and me.

From the Desert Sands, to the place we stand.

He is God of All, He is Everything.

I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun.

Every Starry Night, that was His design.

I'm giving my life to the only son, who was and is and yet to come

Let the praises ring, 'cause he is everything

'Cause he is everything

From the Autumn Leaves, that will ride the breeze

To the Faith it takes, to pray and sing

From the Painted sky, to my plank filled eye

He is God of all, He is everything

I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun.

Every Starry Night, that was His design.

I'm giving my life to the only son, who was and is and yet to come

Let the praises ring, 'cause he is everything.

Hallelujah (Hallelujah)

Hallelujah

I believe

Ohhh

Hallelujah (Hallelujah)

Hallelujah

I believe

I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun

On that Starry Night, He changed my life.

I'm giving it all to the only son who gave me hope when I had none.

So let the praises ring,

Ohhhh Let the Praises Ring

fast forward

In our own separate ways Dave and I have both mentioned wanting to hit the fast forward button in life. Dave is ready to set up a Christmas tree! I feel deeply unsatisfied in life and want to move to the next step. There must be a next step! It must be coming soon!

Looking back over the recent days I can think of a couple times where I told myself to slow down. I put some pictures together in a frame and was in such a rush that I messed it up a bit...rushed because?? Last night I substituted yogurt for sour cream in a baking recipe without looking up if one can even do that legitimately. *shrug* The bread tastes great, so I got away with it, but it's just not really like me to be in such a rush.

And everybody today is blogging about living in the moment. Ya'll, I don't want to live in *this moment*. People who don't have any frame of reference say time will heal, people who know say you'll just get better at dealing with the pain and loss. Either way, I want to be there, not here.

What do you do in the here, waiting for the there? How do I live in this moment without dwelling in it?