7 weeks 7 hours

Yesterday was an exciting day for me. I got to operate on 7 good hours of sleep. There was a feeding break between hours 4 and 5 but it was the most sleep I've gotten in...7 weeks *smile*  Baby boy seems to have hit a pattern, which I'm sure will change now that I think I've figured something out. Jake will do a good 4 hour sleep chunk, usually meaning 5-6 hours between feedings in the evening.  He's even done a couple 4 hour stretches between feedings in the night too. Yay baby! Thanks for letting mama get some rest. 

These are the wall hangings that we received from Brenna. Sammy has a shelf in Jake's room so that is where his is displayed.

Jake's will have a place on the wall eventually. That's a pretty serious face he's making there.

"What's happening mama? I don't like being naked."

6 weeks ish

If I had written this a couple days ago, the information would have been totally different. Such is the life of a 6 week old. Over the weekend he was acting all grown up, sleeping for a longer chunk in the evenings, getting through the days with minimal fussing. After last week, the week of constant feedings and fussings, I thought for sure he had hit his 6 week growth spurt and we were being introduced to the *next* version of Jake. 

But alas, the 4-5 hour chunk of sleep in the early evening has stayed and the fussing returned. I heard someone say that the only thing consistent about an infant is change. Jake = that. 

What *has* remained consistent? He's a morning baby, he gets that from his dad. 7 times out of 10 his changing pad is magic and he will erupt into smiles within moments of being laid down. The brown ceiling fan in the kitchen is his favorite and the shower running holds him captive for at least 15 minutes. Seriously - who would have thought to ask for that? Dave discovered another great, Jake, swaddled, in the bouncy chair, on top of the counter right above the dishwasher. The sound of water, the steam, oh, the venetian blinds on the window to look at...Jake's OTG list is simple.  Oh, have I mentioned *red Jake*? When he get's especially angry he turns red and one of us watches too much Friends. In the last 2 days he has decided his paci's are the devil. The face he makes, I will try to photograph, it's amazingly dramatic, *if* he tries it - suck, suck, pfooudt - mama can you catch it?

I am enjoying these days and being Jake's mama. Last week the change in my life felt spotlighted once again. I will remember my third mother's day (I was prego with Sammy in 2010 so I count that as my first - be what it may) as the day I tried to get out of the house with my 6 day old baby but with his eating schedule it was a fail. Life revolved (and still revolves) around Jake's needs. Last week, I was reminded this and - confession - I was saddened by it. It was my friend's birthday and she was getting a bunch of ladies together for a celebratory dinner. I don't see this set of friends very often so I try to make the gatherings a priority. Jake was having a week (much like this week actually) and wanted to eat every couple hours and fuss in between. I couldn't get away. At the same time, Dave was making plans to be out or away 3 out of 5 week nights. I pouted. I got over it. It's one of the craziest transitions that you can't really prepare for. One moment you can go where ever you want, the next, BAM! you have to plan and multiply the previous time and effort by about 56.

It's worth it, I'm getting used to it, I'm just sayin'. Also - New Orleans has a *serious* lack of drive thru coffee shops. We're at zero. Jake goes all *red Jake* in the car these days so a 20 minute drive to get coffee in a drive thru isn't an option and I guess my need for good frou frou coffee doesn't out weigh the process of get the baby out, take the baby in, hope he isn't screaming?? This would be a classic "first" "world" "problem". Excessive quotes to highlight the ridiculousness of this paragraph...yeesh. 

So that's an update at 6 weeks. Ish. I still have goals of posting about his room and a bunch of other stuff that has happened in the last 6 weeks. SMH - we'll see. 

wish i had 2 wigglers

On Sunday we received these wonderful wall hangings from Brenna, one of Sammy's photographers. I know her from church and she is having her first baby in July. She said she never got Sammy a gift so when she ordered one for Jake she knew she had to order one for Sammy too. Love them and love the attention to detail (purposefully Sammy green).

I already took a picture of "Sammy" with his. We've been busy in the mornings and Jake has not been too obliging in the afternoons.

Happy Father's Day

Father's Day 2012

daddy's boys

with Sammy 10.7.10

   

with Jake 05.7.12

Daddy's Boy 

by Patsy Gaut

My little eyes are watching,
My ears are listening too.
They take in everything
That you say and do.

My little hands are eager
To do the things you do.
I'm hoping and I'm dreaming
I'll grow up just like you.

I am just a little guy
Who knows that you are wise
You'll teach me what I need
For someone just my size.

I'm a bright eyed little fellow
Who is watching what you do
And I'm waiting for the day
I'll be grown up just like you.

from ann voskamp today

That at the first, at the beginning of everyone that ever was, there is this braving of the pain and no one tells you that this is the way it will always be now– because love is always worth the pain. Just ask any mother — love is a willingness to suffer.

read the rest here a holy experience.

This is the work of a mother — this strange and peculiar joy in letting go of self to make the joy of another large.

babies don't keep

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).



Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo



But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).




The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.


-by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

genetics

i felt safe in her arms and then i saw her face. mama!
(this smile caught by mama during our 1 month photo shoot)

Yesterday it happened. A first genuine smile - it was midmorning, I don't remember many details (fuzzy, sleep deprived brain) but I know that we had been cuddling and then I shifted him in my arms. 

"It's me! Your mama! I've been here the whole time!" 

And then the smile. 

I didn't see much of it because my eyes filled with tears. 

*smile* 

I could blame the fuzzy, sleep deprived brain but my first thought was of my grandma Dorothy, my uncle Steve, and a host of other family members that have been known to cry at any given important, memorable moment. Looks like we have another cryer on our hands (me).

*one* month

Jake is one month old today...and it's been 20 months since we said hello, good bye to Sammy.

At one month Jake:

*weighs 10 pounds 13 ounces, is 22 1/2 inches long. He's grown almost 2 pounds and 1 inch in the last 3 weeks.

*has outgrown his newborn sized sleepers and with cloth diapers some of this newborn onesies are a streeeetch

*likes to be swaddled tight to fall asleep...on top of mama or daddy's chest is the prime location

*will happily hangout in the bathroom, listening to the shower and feeling the steam, while someone showers

*loves sitting in the sun

*tolerates the car seat, yet to be convinced the stroller is a good thing

*eats every 2-3 hours, about 3-4 ounces

*has started to adjust to sleeping *at night*, until this week the sunset meant eyes open

*follows sounds and movement around the room

*loves looking at ceiling fans, venetian blinds, and shadows

*smiles occasionally at mom or dad...or the wall or curtains

*has been without his umbilical cord for 4 days and had 2 real baths

*has met 3 out of 5 grandparents

*has decided this week is a good week to be fussy

love and grief

sleepy angel

I started pumping this week. 1. So that I can get a little more sleep 2. So that Dave can be involved in the feeding process. At this point it's only a bottle a day in the morning but we love it! I'm pretty sure that's why he's trying to smile in this picture. 

I started watching a couple new shows on Hulu to pass the time while I nurse Jake. I'm pretty sure these shows are not as funny as they seem but on 2 hours of sleep at 2am everything seems hilarious or makes me want to cry *smile*. I have also been doing some reading and last night came across this quote that made me think, then shake my head, then chuckle at God's attention to detail.

"Whether your losses are little or large, they are real and important. It's all right to mourn the years the locusts are eating in your life...Remember, love is a prerequisite for grief. If you didn't love, you wouldn't really suffer from loss. So your suffering in a time of loss is really evidence of your love, and love is always a good thing."

Apparently this is from a book about cancer, A Journey through Cancer by Emilie Barnes. But this excerpt about grief is fitting for any loss situation. Little or large...losses are real and important. Each day I come face to face with the loss of what I missed out on with Sammy. There are other reasons for grief in my life and those are real and important too. For me, the hard part is acknowledging the losses at times. I beat myself up with "you should be over it" or "dwelling on it won't help anything". But really, a pause to reflect on the loss will take less time than stifling it over and over and over again. 

There's also something about how love is a prereq for grief...and love will get me through this...it's all tangled up together so it can't be bad. Grief is not bad. It just is. 

I will carry this grief and this love forever and that is ok.