38 weeks - sunburn and bed rest

As if I don't complain enough, I decided to go to the beach and sit with some friends for an afternoon. It was a windy, chilly day and as soon as I noticed a little pink I covered up my legs. Hmmm. Not soon enough.

Now it appears that the sunburn has rammed up next to a high blood pressure issue. I had an ultrasound today to check on the babes size. He looks great! Doing all the right stuff, growing, growing, growing. He's about the size that his brother was at birth...yeah...so no wonder I'm a little uncomfortable a little earlier than I was last time. We got some fantastic pictures :-) Lotsa cheeks!

Anyway - my blood pressure was on the high side. I had a headache yesterday and it returned today...along with nausea and some mighty puffy feet so I have been given instructions for bed rest. Which is where I spent yesterday anyway, couldn't move around much what with my legs on fire. I have tried every natural home remedy to ease the burn. Including mayonnaise slathered on my legs at 5am. Not surprisingly, I'm having a hard time sleeping so let's just say things are a little emotional around here. The insomnia did start before the sunburn occurred but flaming legs doesn't help. It did keep my mind off uncomfortable pregnancy pains. In other news, my nose and my taste buds have gone crazy in these final days.

My appointment was with a specialist today, my OB is out of town this week. I go in for some blood work tomorrow and will check in with my doctor on Monday. Keep us in your prayers please! I wanna meet this boy but on good, healthy terms...

I have spent my late night hours praying and practicing the art of gratitude. Sammy changed my prayers. Whereas I used to pray for what *I* knew was best, I now find myself praying...maybe a bit more biblically? For the Lord's will or what he knows needs to happen. It's interesting.

37 weeks - sad days

Today was my last planned day at work. We have spring break next week and since baby J is being born right before summer break it all kinda works out for me to be off from today until the next school year starts.

"How are you doing today?"

Y'all, it is wildly ironic to me that I spent last spring and summer talking about feelings and how important they are to acknowledge. Because what I've learned since I started counseling in July is that I am really bad at identifying how I'm feeling and spend a lot of time trying not to feel. At least once a week I am forced to answer the question "How are you feeling?" and it has to be a legit answer. Good and ok are not feeling words apparently and don't count as answers. So when I got my mom's text this morning "How are you doing today?" I actually stopped for a moment and thought about it. Until I saw the question I was "fine".

And then I realized I was really quite sad.

Sammy has been on my mind a ton lately, but eeking out in tiny glimpses here and there. I made a cake last night and said it was in honor of my mom and step dad's anniversary and my SIL's birthday. An birthdayversary cake. (They live in Minnesota and Colorado respectively so clearly this was an excuse to chocolate up the house.) When asked for a picture of the cake I had to add some decoration. I thought about adding the words "April is a great month to be born, come on out Baby J!" and that got me thinking about waiting for Sammy and my begging him to come in September....so I added some sprinkley stars to honor Sammy instead. I was too sad last October to make him a birthday cake but I know what I'll do this year!

When my mom asked me how I was doing, I immediately thought of the last time I was headed to school on my last day of work before the baby (Sammy) was born. I remembered getting through the day ok but sobbing as I walked out, knowing it was Sammy's last day at work with me...my last day at work with him. I knew that day I would return the mama of a dead baby. I cried all the way to work today, missing my boy.

I have my days of worry about this baby, but most of the time, I'm just excited. Today was not about worry, it was about being sad and missing Sammy. I almost went crazy that fall break of 2010 waiting for Sammy to be born. I have left myself lots to do next week but I am still nervous about sitting around for a whole week....waiting...

It makes perfect sense to me that this time will bring grief and memories closer to the surface. I guess I just need to do my best to feel it and deal with it.

J is behaving very much like his brother right now. Growing, growing, growing, and too comfortable to come out and play. My body is making little to no progress according to the doctor but I sure am feeling more aches and pains. At this point I'll be happy for an early-May birth instead of a mid-May birth (due date is May 9 or May 11 - depending on which dr you talk to).

I should have more time to write in the next couple weeks so I will try to add some pictures of the nursery and write about all the incredible showers I've had *smile*. Also - my students would be very surprised to see sentences that start with "and" or "because". I've spent a lot of time fussing them for doing just that. Oops.

36 weeks, is it over yet?

Augh.

I realized today that I feel the way I felt my last week with Sammy. That was week 40, I am in week 36. Mostly physically uncomfortable, hunger pains but no where to put food, and in the last couple days I just get to a point where I want to cry because everything hurts and because crying just sounds good. It could be a long few weeks here. I know it'll go fast and all of the sudden I'll be picking him up from his first day at kindergarten...but in this moment it feels like forever.

I had another dream about him last night. So far in my dreams he's always naked. ??? He was big! And then I was out running errands and soooooo happy to have a flatish belly, even if it was a mushy, first couple weeks after birth belly, I could twist and turn and move without pain! These are the things I look forward to :-)

We are *almost* all set for him to come. We ordered the car seat last week, it should be here Tuesday. The essentials in his room are ready, decor needs to be put up on his walls...my mom is making him a quilt, crib skirt, and changing pad covers! They are almost finished and will put a finishing touch on all that.

I'm going to try cloth diapering! My friend Jessie gave me a bunch of her daughters left over disposable size 1's and rumor has it the hospital sends some home with you too so we should be able to get through a few days and give the cloth diapers a try. I'm drawn to the hybrids, meaning you can use a cloth insert *or* a disposable insert. I like the versatility, sometimes cloth is not convenient but it can save money. We have a local store here that sells 'used' cloth diapers (sounds gross but I promise the ones I'm using don't have any parts that have touched another baby bottom, it's just the used cover that I bought) as well as new ones and I was able to buy a couple trial diapers for $5 each instead of the usual $17 each. They are seriously the most adorable, soft diapers you have ever seen. Just wait. Whether I stick with it or not I will have some dang cute pictures of baby J with his little cloth diapered butt in the air.

I think we've settled on his name but I'm reserving my last 1% of confirmation until I see his sweet face.

We're ready buddy, come on out and play!

stop and write - 35 weeks

That's what I need to do when I'm thinking of things. As I cleaned out the baby's room I thought of about a million things I wanted to share with y'all but this morning it's all gone.

I would say I'm in nesting mode. I want everything clean and ready, just in case. I'm only 35 weeks so that makes me way to eager...chances are this babe is gonna hang out for 4 more weeks. Plenty of time to clean, but just in case...the flip side of that is I've been quiet hesitant to take things out of their boxes or to remove the tags from all the clothes I've gotten. I can rationalize it with "it's so early" and "what if someone else gets me one of those and I need to return one". But the reality is I fear. I fear coming home with empty arms to a house ready for a baby. I'm healthy and the baby is healthy so it seems like an irrational fear most of the time. But it's strong enough to keep those tags in place.

The baby - no name yet. I just can't commit to one. All the front runners seem to start with J so he gets called baby J or sometimes just J. I think I'll just need to see him. I've had a couple dreams about his birth lately, well, about me holding him after he's born anyway. He was cute :-) At my last ultrasound the doctor pointed out a fuzzy ring surrounding his head - hair! Lotsa hair she said. And even though he had his hands clasped up in front of his face at one point we got to see a giant bubble cheek. !! A hairy, cheeky baby boy! At that point he was also measuring 1lb 7oz larger than the "average" baby at 33 weeks...yikes.

So J. We still have a morning dance party between 545-7am. I notice hiccups almost every evening between 8-9pm. These last couple of days he's gotten into doing some stretches, all of the sudden his little booty will poke out near the right side of my rib cage. It's getting harder to find a reprieve from the slight hip pain I get from lying on one side too long in the night. I had been able to lie on my back a couple times a night but all his growing is making that uncomfortable. Occasionally I can't even switch sides because some body part of his gets jammed up uncomfortably on some organ or bone of mine.

Here's a question for some of you baby loss moms...how much "older dead brother" memorabilia is too much for the baby's room? Sorry if that's crass, it's where I'm at today. I have a few Sammy-related gorgeous picture frames and wall hangings that I would like to put in J's room amidst lots of other wall hangings...how have y'all handled it?

As a last note, I want to share this post with you. Kristin's first baby, a girl, died at 26 weeks gestation just a few days before we got Sammy's diagnosis. She is a friend of my sister-in-laws. She had her second baby, a boy, just a couple weeks ago and this is their birth story. Grab some tissue, I'm tempted to say if you don't cry something's wrong with you but that just might be my hormones talking. The post almost makes me wish I had taken a Hypnobirthing class...reading half the book last time did me some good - Kristin makes it sound so easy!