I feel this little dude kicking, turning, and moving around pretty often. And I know too many people with sad stories...so when I woke up at 2am and realized I hadn't felt him since approximately 7:30pm I started to get worried. I tried to stay calm but my mind just ran away with worst case scenario's.
So I found myself in the kitchen at 2am looking for sugar. Watermelon Airheads and chocolate milk where what I found...it's what I ate as I named my baby, wondered how I could return to my job again being "that lady" who has lost 2 babies, felt sad about the planning we've done (the few items we have and the registry that is started), and poked my belly which just felt squishy and fat.
I went back to bed and laid on my back. Within a couple minutes he thumped, I was relieved, and now wide awake from worry and sugar. After breakfast this morning, he was a busy little guy, probably thanking me for the midnight snack.
*sigh*
The worry. I don't like it. But I'm the girl who's faced a couple years of "that won't happen to ME" situations. Why should 2012 be any different?
I find myself trying to balance it all. Feel my feelings AND keep a level head. Hope but not *too* much (so if the hopes are dashed it doesn't crush me).
It's kind of exhausting.
PAL can be hard! Us mommas worry a lot for our babies. We know all too well the things that could go wrong. It's ok to hope more. I don't think it matters how little hope you have it would still feel crushing
ReplyDeleteI agree with Holly. Really, have you ever been able to stop yourself from hoping? Not that you/we won't stop trying in scary situations. I know you know all the true things about God and all that... you know them way better than I do... so I'll just tell you for the 8 billionth time... I miss you and wish I could be there to experience more of life with you. I want to be neighbors since it would be strange to share a bedroom now that we're both married. Love to you.
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